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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Six dates in, not making sense

37 replies

chickenstock · 07/12/2017 19:25

Any advice would be hugely appreciated. I’ve been single for a year, two dc, spent year getting my head together. Was finally at the point when I was thinking of dipping my toe into OLD when I went to a local pub with friends and met a guy who seemed super keen. We texted loads and went on a few dates. We weren’t an obvious match but it was fun and we got on really well. Loads of flirting, constant contact, really fun, but then on date 4 we slept together and he had a few issues keeping hard, but it was fun and fine, and I was totally understanding and didn’t make a big thing of it. Since then we’ve had a similar pattern a few times, but we’re still getting on well and there are lots of positives sexually. But the flirting has stopped and he’s texting less and I feel like all the fun has gone. It feels like he’s letting it fizzle out on purpose. I did mention depression at one point, and he texted this week to say I might have a point but he won’t say more than that - when I asked if he wanted to talk he said no, he’s fine. Now if he’s just lost interest then fair enough, but I’m worried it’s all tied up with his insecurity and he might be killing off something with potential because he’s scared. He hasn’t been in a relationship for a very long time. I don’t know what to do! I’m not feeling super confident either and can feel myself slipping into a real low which isn’t good this close to Christmas. Words of wisdom gratefully received.

OP posts:

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userxx · 07/12/2017 19:37

Firstly, stop making excuses for him like having depression. If you have a feeling he is letting it fizzle out then take a step back and see if that is the case. How long have you been seeing him? He has far too much power if he is affecting your mood like this - take back that power.

Kentnurse2015 · 07/12/2017 19:40

You're 6 dates in and you've told him you think he's depressed? Or at least discussed it with him? Seems a bit bizarre/harsh!

Fatrascals · 07/12/2017 19:48

Yes, don’t analyse and make excuses.
Just be honest with yourself about what his actions and his attitude are actually saying.

chickenstock · 07/12/2017 19:48

No, we’d talked a lot about anxiety and it came up as part of that. I didn’t say ‘are you depressed?’ just asked whether he’d ever felt that way because of other things he was saying.

OP posts:

pollydollymolly · 07/12/2017 19:54

I would let him go. You don't owe him anything and he doesn't sound much fun. After 6 dates it should be fun and exciting not mundane and stressful.

SingingSeuss · 07/12/2017 20:11

Six dates in should be fun and easy, not this much hard work. Walk away.

chickenstock · 07/12/2017 20:21

Thank you, I suppose I knew that was the case, but sometimes you need an objective view.

OP posts:

FluffyFerrets · 07/12/2017 20:23

If he is depressed and it's not a crime to be nor is it fun but he shouldn't be intimately involving new people until he has his own shit together.
If he's not, then his disinterest should tell you all you need to know. 6 dates in should still be fun and exciting and not hard work.

Littlelambpeep · 07/12/2017 20:25

I think I would leave him be. Why take on this if you don't need to. This early stage in dating needs to be a happy time

SaturdayNightAtTheMovies · 08/12/2017 07:07

Sounds like he's losing interest. It doesn't really matter why that is, does it? Just leave it. It's only 6 dates. It could be anything.

TheNaze73 · 08/12/2017 07:29

I’d leave it & walk. His actions are suggesting he can’t be arsed.

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2017 08:01

He's just not that into you; walk away and find a new one

SandAndSea · 08/12/2017 08:20

It shouldn't be this uphill early on. I would call it a day and move on.

falange · 08/12/2017 08:25

I second he's just not into you. Stop trying to analyse why and remove his number from your phone. If he really liked you he'd still be texting loads and seeing lots of you. Sorry.

Angelf1sh · 08/12/2017 09:04

He’s lost interest. It happens. Stop messaging him and move on.

pigeondujour · 08/12/2017 09:25

He sounds so much like my ex. I met him unplanned in a pub, he had ED from the get go and explained it was because he hadn't had a girlfriend or had sex for "a long time" (this turned out to mean he'd never had either, although he was pushing 30 then and very good looking), very fun and great at texting initially but got very down and distant when it got to Christmas time, he wouldn't talk about why - again I found out much later that he'd had a bereavement a couple of years previously at Christmas, which I'd have totally understood, but he just clammed up and said he was fine at the time. We went out for a couple of years and never got closer to breaking down any of the barriers he put up - he was a very complicated man and I loved him a lot but if I could advise my younger self to cut my losses early I would.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/12/2017 09:30

If it's this much hassle after 6 dates, I don't think it's worth it.

I think you need to take the view that this was just a fling, a way of dipping your toes back into the water.

SaturdayNightAtTheMovies · 08/12/2017 09:48

He sounds so much like my ex.

Tbh, he just sounds like a man who's been on 6 dates with a woman and has lost interest.

Sadlady77 · 08/12/2017 10:00

I'd definitely walk away. He sounds like far too much hard work after 6 dates.

pigeondujour · 08/12/2017 10:04

@SaturdayNightAtTheMovies

SaturdayNightAtTheMovies · 08/12/2017 10:12

Why the @pigeondujour ?

It's far more likely that this particular man has just lost interest in the OP than it is that he has a complicated back story that echoes that of the man you were seeing.

pigeondujour · 08/12/2017 10:35

Who said he did? I was discussing my own experience that relates to the OP's, it's a tried and tested method of having a conversation. Not sure I needed correcting for saying something other than the 17th "he's just not interested" in a row, scintillating as that is.

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chickenstock · 08/12/2017 11:13

I appreciate your comments Pigeon. There is more to this than some people have suggested but regardless, the outcome needs to be the same and I’ve dealt with it now. Moving on.

OP posts:

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 11:30

regardless, the outcome needs to be the same and I’ve dealt with it now

Good for you

HotNatured · 08/12/2017 12:14

pigeondujour ignore Saturdaynight. MN is full of people who hide behind their keyboards saying rude things to strangers in a way they would never do in a real life conversation context. Your comment was valid and relevant

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