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I weirdly self sabotage my relationships?(4 Posts)
I feel like I’m self-sabotaging my relationship It’s been a whirlwind romance, we met online, and we clicked, cliché I know but I really hadn’t met anyone like him. We have been dating 12 weeks and things have been great we have said I love you to each other. In the past few weeks we have still met up every few days but in-between our phone calls haven’t been as intense. I appreciate that we are seeing each other in real life so we don’t need long phone calls but now I find myself sabotaging and imaging he doesn’t feel the same way and he’s getting bored. He is working away until Christmas and got somebody to cover his work, so he could drive the three hours to come and see me but in my head, I’m convincing myself that it’s not enough which is ridiculous. I feel like I can't trust what he says and he's lying about the way he feels which is crazy because his behaviour hasn't changed. How do I stop ruining things because he’s honestly like my best friend and I don’t want to lose him?
I don’t know how to suggest you change your way of thinking. But I think you have got way over invested too quickly. Early days in a relationship is lovely but it’s when you’re getting to know each other. You still need your own life too, still enjoy time with your friends, time for yourself, family etc. I think if you keep up your time for friends etc and limit the time you spend together to once or twice a week you might start to relax a bit. You can’t love someone and they can’t be your ‘best friend’ after 12 weeks. You barely know him. You’re in the heady first weeks. Just enjoy it but not at the expense of everything else. I’m sure your actual ‘best friend’ will be a bit miffed at being ousted after such a short time for a fella
Firstly. He's not your best friend after 12 weeks. He's a stranger that you're getting to know. Imbuing virtual strangers with labels like this , means you're over-invested. And having something to lose makes it scary so if it's going to fuck up it's going to be by your hand. I get it. But seriously you are going to scare the m*therfucking pants of him with these thoughts. And he doesn't even have to hear them. People are intuitive. So dial it back. Enjoy the process of getting to know this box fresh person in your life. Be present and stop projecting. That's the best advice.
You're not sabotaging unless you actually act on these negative thoughts. Catastrophising in your head (about a relationship failing, a loved one dying etc) is a natural human thing to do. When everything's going well, it's in our nature to look for a catch, a pitfall. It's just our mind trying to protect us by identifying potential danger.
Instead of believing your negative thoughts and panicking that they must be based on some kind of real problem, try to recognise them for what they are - a defence mechanism. Think "Yeah, thanks for the safety check, overactive brain, but things are fine!"
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