Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I'm done and feel like walking(75 Posts)
So today I’ve discovered my husband is strutting around minus his wedding ring. It’s totally floored me, he sent a picture this morning of him wearing his birthday present (a t-shirt) zooming in I could see no wedding ring on.
Bit of back story, married 7 yrs for the past year he’s been living and working in another country miles and miles away. We have two children(5&6) yrs old who I look after solely - no family close by and both diagnosed with autism. It’s been a real challenge for me this past year but we are now a year on and actually doing ok. My marriage however has suffered greatly. At the time of taking the job abroad it was for financial reasons and too good to turn down, I supported the decision to better our future.
I’ve seen a real change in him in the past year, he’s now got quite a social life out most nights and a whole new circle of friends. I’m not suggesting he stays in and keeps his head down but he was never a sociable man so I’m surprised by his new found life. After our family holiday in April at Centre Parcs which was a wonderful enjoyable time for us all he went awol.. told a pack of lies about a business trip which turned out to be a jolly touring around Italy and I had very little contact from him. This raised serious suspicion for me, avoiding calls from your wife?? Only when I threatened to call his work to find out where he was did he panic and call me. After that lie the trust was gone for me and I’ve found it very hard to get past that point.
I’ve caught him a couple of times on Skype without his wedding ring on - I pulled him up once on it and was told he’d taken it off to do washing up.. fast forward 6 months and here we are it’s off again (three photos in four days all minus his wedding ring) so when I questioned it this morning I was told he’d taken it off for the dentists visit Monday when he had x-rays.
Utter bull right? Why not put it back on after? I don’t know about anyone else but when I take my rings off I feel odd without them!
Please be gentle with your replies, I’m very fragile right now. Faced with the thought of bringing up two little boys alone both with special needs in a house I absolutely hate and my husband the other side of the world weeks before Christmas I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!!
This is all unfolding and the reality is making me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I’m shaking, I can’t get my head around it all.
His behaviour is definitely very suspicious , I'm sorry you're going through this . Have you got any support from parents/ friends?
If you was to leave where would you go? Have you considered some options , like maybe calling on loved ones to support you with this if needed?
I'm really sorry, but you don't have a marriage any more. He is pretending he's single and you are lumbered with all the work. That has to change.
Would you be able to move?
difficult situation and you need support.
will he be back for Christmas?
if not don't be alone, visit your family.
What's your financial position? Does he properly support you and do you know what his earnings are? Don't know how it works re child support for people working abroad but someone else may be able to advise on that.
It's horrible to face but it looks as though he is setting up a life that's just about him. You should now think purely about what's best for you and the boys. Is it your house or your whole location you dislike? Could you move nearer family or friends?
Agree with @undercoverbanana as it doesn't sound positive
I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!
Do you mean leaving him with the children while you go back home?
My first thought is what are the plans long term with him working abroad? Will you join him eventually? Surely it's not sustainable permanently to live apart
Huge alarm bells over lying about the trip away, I think him not wearing a wedding ring is the least of your worries tbh
If you separated what would your financial position be? Could you move closer to family support?
That salary is not worth the impact that the distance has had in your family I take my hat of to you. How he could work away like that and knowingly leave you struggling with your 2 autistic dc, I can't relate to that. It sounds like he's living a double life. In fact, he's living the high life from what you've described.
You have reached breaking point now. He's taking the piss. If he cared enough about your marriage he'd not have treated you like he did after centreparcs... lying, disappearing. You've put up with a lot.
You've been a single mum for a while now. So you know you can cope without him. But do you want that or do you want to try to make this marriage work?
He needs to meet you half way but I get a strong sense that he's not going to be wiling to do that...
he's living as a Single Man now OP.. he's already mentally left the relationship
Hi ladies, firstly apologies for not coming back sooner to be honest I’ve been in shock and trying to absorb this.
So much doesn’t add up, I need to talk to him but have decided that can wait until the kids are back at school and then he can sam we’ll get home and Skype me (want to do it face to face).
The thought of facing Christmas with this mess is not something I’m looking forward to but I didn’t really get a choice!! More angry than shocked now .. tears have run dry and the swanky iPhone has been smashed to smithereens 🤦♀️
I want to try and make my marriage work but I’m unsure if that’s actually possible now. I feel so let down and totally disrespected by his actions. I’ve always supported his career, allowed him a free reign to travel the world. I put my career on hold to bring up these boys, Little did I know that my career would actually end and I’d be studying how to deal with autism.
Of course I’m a changed person, I do whatever it takes to support my children, they are thriving at school and that’s all credit to me ensuring they get the right support and god knows I’ve filled in many many forms!! My husband however took a back seat and allowed me to take on that role alone - I could have done with his support really but if I’m honest it’s glaringly obvious where the autism comes from so he was never going to show me any compassion or acknowledgement for my efforts.
He’s earning a Substantial salary, I don’t want for much and if I asked for more I’d get it. But that’s not the issue here, it’s the lifestyle he’s living - as you say like a single man. He was supposed to be saving money to buy us an investment property but I’ve seen no evidence of that. In fact I have no idea about any of the financial side which scares me!!
Anyway, we have a nice day planned decorating the trees in the house and friends over for Sunday lunch. It’s doing me good just rambling on here even if no one reads it.
Happy Sunday all x
you are a very strong and clever woman, I really congratulate you.
By the sounds of it you would be able to manage financially if you divorced - you should get at least 50% of everything and maintenance for the children (plus possible spousal maintenance).
Speak to a good solicitor, and make a decision based on proper legal information. It sounds like he isn't bringing anything to your marriage anyway apart from money, so you may well be better off on your own... I know it sounds incredibly daunting to bring up children without a partner, but he isn't really doing anything anyway, is he?
You are doing a brilliant job with your dc. Well done and keep going!
You have two special needs kids to look after.Can you do this on your own? He is cheating and enjoying himself because he doesn't want to face the real hard work that needs to be put in at home.Even if he doesn't love you he has no sense of duty or care -unfortunately that is not uncommon nowadays
I'm just about holding it together today, I did something .. I made a note of all the concerns today. It made me realize how bloody bad it is. I've hit the wall, the kids are home from school having tea and I'm hiding in tears. How could this man be such a complete arse. I beyond myself with worry, Christmas is round the corner he's due home on the 23/12 and I want to kill him.
I should add I don't expect him to be honest, I doubt I'll ever get the truth but one thing is for sure IM NOT MAD.. which has been suggested before. I'm going to put him on the spot - show me your phones (he has two because of different countries).. show me your bank accounts.. never seen them, I've calculated he's earns roughly 200k in the past year I've seen none of it.. if he's saving show me!! I think I know what's coming
Don't waste your time obsessing about How could this man be such a complete arse.
Move on to How do I get rid of this man who is such a complete arse
Don't explode at him. Get yourself a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row. Be a good little wifey again until you have a plan. If he gets wind that you've woken up then he will be a complete arse, probably making it hard and hiding money.
Then his precious car that cost a small fortune on the drive will suddenly arch fire my dear
if he works overseas ... he may have overseas bank accounts... which you would struggle to access .. you need to think clever Lady.. try to get as much information as you can about the finances ...
Good point I'm aware he's opened up accounts out there.. good call.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I agree with pp he's up to something but your burning his car comment made me laugh! Like literally laugh out loud. Wasn't expecting it.
@Stressedandangry I made this list of concerns today and it's was so glaringly obvious he's up to no good. It made me cry and cry. He calls at the same time roughly every day to tell me how hard his day has been and so.. like yeah try this my friend! 2 kids with autism and a house by the sea blowing a gale.. I cornered him today a little - he took a spare upgrade iPhone with him months and moths back which belongs to me. I suddenly need that phone and according to him months back he's not used it. I've asked him to bring it back with him (I have a feeling his cheap tart has it) needless to say many excuses.. oh don't worry just order yourself a new one. No.. I'll have that one back please which is unused and perfectly suitable. I know he won't bring it back.. make up some excuse, I'm on to him!
Wow - that's just awful OP.
No wonder you are crying.
Where are your family?
Could you go to them with the DC?
When do they finish school?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.