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I think I'm starting to hate my husband.

(15 Posts)
imnotgoodenough Thu 07-Dec-17 11:07:56

I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel so alone.

I'm a SAHM whilst he works hard.
I get lonely and I look forward to his company, well I used to anyway.

Every time I say I want to spend quality time together it turns into a row and he'll walk away and leave me crying. If it's over the phone he'll hang up.

I know he gets tired so I've always said go to bed whenever you want to, just could we please spend 10 minutes together first. Even this is too much to ask for.

He told me today that if I wanted to spend time together I should have never bothered having children.

I wish I could switch off about it and care as little as he does, but it hurts so much. I feel so rejected.

He said I should just accept that this is the way it is and we'll spend time together as and when the time is right, so I basically have to play good happy wife and pretend I'm happy with the lack of love and attention and await his company.

But what if that's not what I want. I said it's hard for everyone with work/children but putting in the effort is how you keep it going and he just says no you just have to accept this is what it is.

He said he shows he loves me by doing the school run and that he wouldn't do as much for the DCs if he didn't, but that's loving them! Not me.

Insomnibrat Thu 07-Dec-17 11:12:06

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a massive twat.

coragreta Thu 07-Dec-17 11:16:33

Something in the last paragraph stood out. Have you heard of love languages? I’ve only looked at it briefly but have a friend who claims it saved her marriage. It’s basically about how different people show their love for each other. It might be worth a look.
However if he’s not prepared to even talk about your concerns I’m not sure what you can do.

upperlimit Thu 07-Dec-17 11:17:44

How old are your dc? Not that it should particularly matter but if you have a baby and schoolage, then for a while I found I got a touch of tunnel vision when it came to getting things done and time for 'romance' got shelved for a future time when I didn't feel like I was going to drop once the basics were achieved.

There might be other reasons you'd end up in a tunnel vision funk and if that is what it is it that's one thing that may be changeable. However, if he is being a permanent arse then that's a different matter.

RestingGrinchFace Thu 07-Dec-17 11:20:41

In your position I would look for the company elsewhere. I know that it's easier said than done and that it isn't the same but it's better than nothing.

Killerfiller Thu 07-Dec-17 11:23:38

Hi op.

Did you both plan to have children or did you
Push for it more. It sounds as if he resents you both.

I'm
Really sorry what a rubish situation for you.

Xxflowers

CoyoteCafe Thu 07-Dec-17 11:30:02

I’m sorry. How old are the children?

My honest advice is to work on an exit plan. Go back to work or retrain for a career. Start getting your ducks in a row,

Your husband doesn’t care how you feel, and isn’t interested in spending time together. This doesn’t bode well for the marriage because you cannot fix it by yourself.

jpl888 Thu 07-Dec-17 11:30:12

Can' help agreeing with Insomnibrat that he's likely a mahoosive douche but this doesn't help you very much. :D

Does your significant other socialise?

Gaagaa Thu 07-Dec-17 11:35:15

Sorry op sounds as if you are really down- maybe feeling a bit trapped thanks

Feeling so alone is really difficult especially if you are stuck at home and not able to do things for yourself

Sounds as if your DH is v much shutting you out emotionally when you need him the most

Is there anything at all you can do for you? Without being reliant on him to provide it??

Eg- catch up with some of your own friends,
Time away from the home just for you (if you can sort childcare)

I'm early in days of first mat leave and 8 months in realising quickly that SAHM full time is not enough for me. I'm going back to work P/T and arranging to see friends even if I'm tired/it's hard with childcare etc- it is making me feel much more like my own person, not just Mum

woofmiaowwoof Thu 07-Dec-17 11:45:48

being the primary carer is lonely - he does sound like a twat but (obviously i'm projecting from my own experience so dispose as necessary), have your needs for company/emotional support gone up since having kids? I never experienced loneliness before I have kids, and I looked to my DH to provide more than he could - he is worn out from social engagement at work, works long hours, and wants quiet time at home. Clearly it can't all be quiet time though...

Building my own network of friends helped - whatever the future for your relationship, this is always worth doing, invest in relationships with nice people that reciprocate where you can.

My DH has also said he expresses his love by doing things he doesn't have to do for me...do you have a 'date night' every week? Sounds a bit pants but helps for lots of people, it helped us.

Ilovecrumpets Thu 07-Dec-17 13:08:20

HI Op

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I had a very similar situation with my husband so I understand how difficult it is - is it that you sense deep down he just isn’t bothered/doesn’t want to spend time with you? I had that with my husband - even though some of his reasons sounded logical I knew it was Indicating something more. He never wanted to discuss things or would consider trying to fix them. I think the hanging up the phone and arguing might indicate that, although only you can know.

This went on for a quite a while for me - no committeemen to me or really being a family unit. Never feeling like we were a team. It really eroded my confidence. Please don’t start to think that because he doesn’t value you, you don’t deserve to be valued.
My husband has now decided to separate and has had an affair. Although it is horrible the one thing that has been a relief is letting go of the need for him to spend time with me. In many ways I wish I had done something sooner.

Take care of yourself.

Cricrichan Thu 07-Dec-17 13:12:28

Woah. What an idiot!

If I were you I'd get myself a job and start joining the gym and clubs and get yourself an amazing social life. He can fuck off.

Deathraystare Thu 07-Dec-17 17:03:37

He told me today that if I wanted to spend time together I should have never bothered having children.

Is he the father of the children? If so, unless you held a gun over him and said "Make me pregnant" - he hasn't got a leg to stand on. If they are from another relationship, did you introduce him to them or spring them on him one day? I am thinking not!

He sounds a right twat.

Huskylover1 Thu 07-Dec-17 17:37:39

"If you really don't have any desire to spend time with me, then I think it's time we went our separate ways. I'm going to see a Solicitor on Monday and get the ball rolling. I'm also going to get an Estate Agent to value the house"

Is what I would be saying.....

FolderReformedScruncher Thu 07-Dec-17 18:53:45

Everything Ilovecrumpets said. You are reading between the lines of not just what he says but what he doesn't say and you are quite right to do so. You don't feel loved and supported because you aren't. Is it worth asking him to go to counselling? If he refused at least you have your answer. He sounds like he is engaing with you on the most superficial and minimal level only. Please don't tolerate this for long OP it will grind you to dust inside. flowers

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