Hi All,
I do so hope you can help and advise me on this forum as I am totally lost right now. I have been with my partner for 3 years. She has a 10 year old boy with her ex husband, and I have 3 boys with my previous female partner. My partner gave birth to our daughter on 17th November. A child that she had been desperate for, and if I'm honest, my feelings were not the same. I am 9 years older, my 3 boys are all at school now, and I would not have had anymore children if my partner had not wanted to.
Just to give you a bit of background, my partner is a VERY affected ACOA
loveandlifetoolbox.com/being-in-a-relationship-with-an-adult-child-of-an-alcoholic/
Hope this link helps in explaining what that does to a person in their relationships. Our relationship has been a real rollercoaster! One that I have ended many times in the first 18 months due to the way I was treated. But i kept seeing the wonderful parts of my partner, and hoping she would change.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say there has been emotional abuse. Over the last 3 years I have been punished for not earning enough money, having a wonderful loving family, having a very healthy parenting relationship with my ex, not loving her enough, constantly being tested, and my children being criticised, stupidly resulting in me changing things I do as a Mum to them. My partner never supported me with my children and always saw us as HER son and MY boys. I could never do enough! It was like she sabotaged anything that was normal and calm and healthy, by creating a HUGE row, or demanding even more from me. Something I now know to be a very common trait of an ACOA. In between these times, she was loving and affectionate and made me feel a million dollars.
Prior to the birth of our daughter, we had agreed to do combined feeding. I had done this with all my children as I am only Bio Mum to 2. It was SO important to me to be involved in every aspect of my daughters care, and my partner knew this and agreed. 3 weeks before she was born, she suddenly told me she was now going to exclusively breast feed and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. This hurt me a lot, and I tried to come to terms with it, but it caused me a lot of anxiety and arguments. SO our daughter arrived 2 weeks early and it was so special, but within 24 hours my partner took complete ownership of that little girl! She wouldn't let me do anything with her, take her for a walk, bath her, let the boys near her, and of course I just had to watch while she held her and fed her and bonded. I felt wretched. Then she took to the bed with the baby, and left me looking after the other 4 boys, the dogs etc etc etc. I felt like I didn't have a daughter, but nothing I said, and none of my tears, would make her change her behaviours.
And then a week ago, after a row about me wanting to take the baby for a walk, and not being allowed, I left the house for 4 hours, and got a text message saying she had left. Thankfully I left my boys with a friend and went home to find my house turned upside down, and an empty nursery, and my partner and baby gone!
She has returned to her old home 2 hours away that was on the market to sell. She has been in touch over the last couple of days, full of remorse, begging to come home, begging for me to be a Mum to our daughter. She is full of apologies, and apparently has had a light bulb moment and knows exactly how to fix things re her behaviour.
She has apparently told the 'friends' who came to get her, to get out of her life, and told her alcoholic and homophobic and violent parents, and her homophobic, bullying sister, that she never wants to see them again. She says she hates her home city, hates her house, and misses the noise and mess of our home with my 3 boys - all the things she moaned to me about for so long.
I am so confused right now about what to do. I do still love her, but i don't trust her, and feel that her issues are so deep rooted, that no amount of therapy is going to change things overnight.
I feel so protective of my boys. They had their sister taken from them, my partner and her son, and are very confused and angry that they never even got to say goodbye. I cannot put them at risk again.
I have put my house back together and made it my own again, and to desperately try to find something positive out of this for my boys, they decided to have their own rooms again, and we have spent time making them nice again.
Aside from my feelings for my partner, there of course is a little baby girl mixed up in all this. A baby who I have not bonded with, who I don't really know, and I am not sobbing for every minute, like I know I would be if one of my boys was taken away from me. And I cannot bare the thought of trying to be a Mum from 2 hours away. It's just not the way it was supposed to be.
I co parent with my ex partner 50/50 and we live 20 minutes apart. It's been a tough ride, but we do a great job, parent well together, and have 3 very happy and confident boys.
My head is all over the place right now, flitting between taking my partner back tomorrow, or never seeing her and my daughter again, and every other feeling and solution in between.
Please please shed a bit of light!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Partner left with 11 day old baby
Hcs2275 · 07/12/2017 04:48
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