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I am a fool

(32 Posts)
cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 03:15:03

I have been dating a guy fairly seriously since the end of last summer. He incredibly lovely but also incredibly angry snappy etc. He works and studies so I fit around that and try to help and understand.

I told him I was feeling very down and depressed - he was very snappy with me last night over something trivial but really it was - i think - down to my good relationship with my dc father which seems to infuriate him. Mainly the fact that dc dad is allowed into my home - which I feel is healthy for the children.

So he was sharp over something small and that - as well as his general anger just made me feel horrible. He was very blasé about it - told me to either tell him what was wrong or say nothing!

We had a few messages back and forth with him bascally telling me he won't know if I'm down ubless I tell him. He then tells me that he is off to visit with his family talk tomorrow if I feel up to it after he has finished work.

I sent 2 further messages which he hasnt bothered to read - has met up with his family and basically ignored me! I think I should leave this relationship so why don't I? - he is snappy mood swings and apparently selfish. Why don't I just leave?

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 03:25:07

I have approached him before regarding how angry he gets. He is incredibly short tempered etc. Can be aggressive with people at times - hugely generous others especially with my dc and I regarding days out gifts etc. I'm gutted that he would treat me like this ie ignore me when I'm vulnerable and low.

He told me both to.bother meeting up with him this weekend in his city - he lives an hour away - as the plans I had to meet up with a friend there have fallen through and as he works nights there is no real point in me travelling there for less than a day. The thing is I've often gone down there and waited until he finished work etc.

DorisDay88 Thu 07-Dec-17 03:45:20

He doesn't sound as though he makes you happy or that he wants to be in a relationship - seems he just wants to be with you as and when it suits him which leaves you hanging around and trying to please him.
You are worth far more than that
I'd not contact him any more and make a plan to do something nice for yourself this weekend instead, drink or cinema with a friend, Christmas Fair, loads of stuff on this time of the year
Life's too short to wait around for someone who doesn't sound as though he deserves you

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 03:54:11

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right. He can be so good to me but the aggression etc was getting me down. - I have spoken to him about it over and over. It's how dismissive he was of my feelings and how he was able to carry on with his evening without caring.

I have bent over backwards to accommodate his working pattern - generous to his kids - generous with him in every way and I feel so let down tbh. He is like 2 different people sometimes. I feelove so low x

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces Thu 07-Dec-17 04:39:27

Please get rid of him. He's not a nice guy. Don't subject your children to this guy. You can do so much better op, so much better.

DorisDay88 Thu 07-Dec-17 06:19:43

It's hard I know when you've invested so much time and emotion in someone but you will be so much better off without him, he sounds a horrible person.
Please stop all contact and build a life without him in it. I hope things seem clearer this morning and you are feeling more positive, you don't need this aggressive arrogant and unfeeling idiot in your life 💐

StewPots Thu 07-Dec-17 06:27:29

Urrrgh. Classic controlling behaviour. Believe me, been there and got a t shirt. Starts with snappiness, escalates to violence yet to everyone else he's the greatest guy on Earth. Generous to others, always getting a round in or buying extortionate gifts - helps to hide what he knows to be vile behaviour.

My fuckwit ex was like this and I put up with it for 12 years! Now I'm happily married to a fantastic man and when I get up in the morning I don't have to walk on eggshells in case he wakes up in a bad mood/snaps/ignores/throws things/puts me down.

But it's taken me years to get over that arsehole's treatment of me, sometimes I wonder if I ever really have, say when my phone rings even now I'm frozen in fear in case it's him ringing to give me a load of abuse even though I haven't spoke to the twat in 3 years. For this reason I keep my phone on silent and never answer a number I don't recognise. Thankfully he moved away and DD stopped speaking to him as he started the same controlling behaviour with her.

Get out now OP for the sake of your own sanity and of course for your children. thanks

StewPots Thu 07-Dec-17 06:30:00

And you're not the fool. He is. All that awaits these awful twats is either a long lonely time in old age or a prison sentence.

I hope you find the strength to ditch this loser and enjoy a life free from sadness and anger as I do now (despite being left with anxiety!)

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 06:30:47

It's the cruelty of it - not to even read what I sent him. It makes a mockery of our time together. And a mockery of everything he said about loving me and our future together. I feel so let down and hurt that i/our relationship meant so little to him. That's hurting me do badly.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 06:36:51

Do u know it never occurred to me it was a control thing. I just tried to be as understanding as I could abput how tired he was with work his kids college etc. I'm shocked that he could be aware of his partner being upset yet feel ok about going off to sleep without asking how I was never mind ignoring my messages. He will get some shock when he does read I've been very direct in them

StewPots Thu 07-Dec-17 06:38:36

OP this is what they do. Ignore and make you feel bad so you go back to them practically begging to make everything ok. Well that's my experience of it. Honestly I've left in the middle of work after a round of abuse because I didn't do this or that and he doesn't want me anymore - I ran out of work in the middle of a shift in hysterics to find him and just said I'm sorry over and over, I'll do anything if you would just talk to me etc etc. Luckily my boss was my friend and was understanding.

Sorry if that sounds extreme but there's a lot of red flags here. I don't know if this guy is as bad as my ex, probably not, but the fact you feel like this now....just please get out whilst you can x

NorksAreMessy Thu 07-Dec-17 06:52:20

Why do you think this is acceptable, normal, kind, loving, or ANY basis for a long term relationship?
This is nasty behaviour and the ‘nice’ is just to keep you around easy for the next chance to be the scapegoat.

Please don’t go back for more.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 06:54:04

I've been tryin to list out in my head why he would do this - and I can't. I wouldn't do it to him. Or anyone who was down. He told me to always come to him if something was wrong but how can u if someone is snappy all the time with u. When I would raise it he would say sorry say he was tired etc and he loved me but I would be edgy then all day and upset.

HappyintheHills Thu 07-Dec-17 07:00:05

He would be edgy and upset to dissuade you from raising concerns again.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 07:01:32

I suppose I made allowances as he can be so lovely and incredibly generous. So am.8 though and not nasty with it. When I get anxious around him he gets really edgy asking if he has upset me etc. Telling me he loves me. But the evidence is in front of me. He didn't read the message. My phone has been acting a bit oddly so I sent a test message to a friend and it was received and read. There is no excuse. I told him in the text that I knew where I stood and wouldn't be bothering him in the future. What should I expect now from him. Is there a pattern to this?

NorksAreMessy Thu 07-Dec-17 07:23:36

Can you work out what YOU want? (Please let it be ‘no more people treating me like crap’) and deal with just you, forget about what he wants for the moment and concentrate on you.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 07:28:57

Yes I can work out what I want itmy just asking so I on my guard. Ie what's he likely to do next. The script.

cordeliavorkosigan Thu 07-Dec-17 07:33:05

It shouldn’t be about where you stand with him, but where he stands with you! Ditch this guy. listen to his actions, not his words. This is not a good guy.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 07:36:34

I agree hence me asking for the sCropton so I'm prepared

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 07:36:48


itsalottery Thu 07-Dec-17 08:13:39

I have just come out of one of these merry go round relationships. We'd patch it up and it would be great for a while then same. It was not good and I got more and more unhappy and desperate. Best to cut your losses before you get even more hurt however hard that is.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 08:19:35

How did u protect urself against weakening. Someone tell me the script please

tobitcoinornottobitcoin Thu 07-Dec-17 09:10:26

He sounds awful, but no matter how terrible you feel right now you will get over him. Maybe you'll meet someone who doesn't play games with your emotions. thanks

LesisMiserable Thu 07-Dec-17 12:56:20

Every time I see "I've spoken to him over and over" I think, the only one hurting you is YOU. This isn't working. You're flogging a dead horse. Own your feelings. You said you wouldnt be bothering him again so dont. Block him, learn, move on.

cocoface Thu 07-Dec-17 13:32:56

He has text me and I have ignored him. Basically saying he did read my messages - but was busy with work - that he thought I was down over a particular issue not related to him so how can he know if I don't tell him. And how am I feeling today - It's bollocks tbh.

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