Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How can I help this?

(9 Posts)
PlateOfBiscuits Wed 06-Dec-17 19:07:38

My DP is a teacher. There are points in the term that are overwhelmingly stressful and during these points she is so sad and anxious. This is obviously shit but it also makes our relationship shit and our home life shit.

She won’t consider changing jobs or taking time off or lightening her workload in any way and gets so angry when I suggest it.

All she wants to do is ‘get through it’ (ie get to the end of term). But the end of term is so far away and then I have to put up with a really shit home life and watching her feel terrible until the end of term. We had to ‘just get through it’ leading up to the summer term and it was just so awful for so long.

It’s like torture knowing that every evening I’ll be coming home to a house that will be sad or full of arguments.

Then I end up feeling cross that I’m having to go through this horrible time too every evening until the end of term. It’s like she’s decided that we both just have to feel shit all December and I wasn’t even allowed to be a part of the decision.

What can I do?

MissConductUS Wed 06-Dec-17 19:40:03

She's selected a career. She can't "take time off" during a term. You can ask her if there is any support you can offer to help her cope with the stress. If she can't or won't change careers there is really not much else you can do other than moving on to someone you might be happier with.

PlateOfBiscuits Wed 06-Dec-17 19:49:39

I’m a teacher as well. I fully understand she can’t “take time off” MissConductUS. But the amount of pain and stress she’s in - a GP would sign her off in a second.

MissConductUS Wed 06-Dec-17 19:52:35

Would finding a job in a different school next year help? Is there something particularly stressful about the post that she's in now?

PlateOfBiscuits Wed 06-Dec-17 20:05:10

That’s what I was wondering. She’s in leadership so a lot of responsibility. But she absolutely loves her job/role/school and I can’t bring it up without being shouted down.

MissConductUS Wed 06-Dec-17 20:14:32

Part of the problem may be that you want to help her fix things (that's what men like to do generally) and she just wants more sympathetic listening. Like this

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/skills-healthy-relationships/201606/stop-trying-fix-things-just-listen

What tipped me off to this possibility was your "being shouted down" comment. If it's got to shouting you're communicating at cross purposes.

CanalTrip Wed 06-Dec-17 20:31:40

Your partner is the only one who can decide if she wants to change her job, but you have no obligation to remain subjected to a bad atmosphere at home. Could you get out more often and develop an interest you have? Or even focus on something in a different room of your home during these stressful periods?

Thinkingofausername1 Sat 09-Dec-17 08:26:03

I've seen friends in this kind of situation and I feel sorry for them because, it's all about the wife's career, and all about her. I'm going to get bashed for this, she has her priorities wrong and needs to change or I can't see your life getting easier.

HarmlessChap Sat 09-Dec-17 10:32:56

Get through December but then sit down and tell her that you're not prepared to live like this indefinately.

You can't manage her stress for but neither should you accept a live where you spend several months of the year dreading going home at night.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now