Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I immoral? Moving on vs 'bad' thoughts about ex and his 'real' love

(5 Posts)
turboteabag Wed 06-Dec-17 17:33:23

I will try to keep is as short as possible.
Aboy 6months ago I ended a relationship with a guy who decided he is not over his ex. We have been dating for about 6 month too and things were very good, until he realised he still loves his ex. He was with her for 5 years, no kids. We talked about it loads and I think that he basically hasn't grieved over that relationship and that they will not make up... especially as it was a mutual decision and they stayed friends, but she was the one who actually wanted out more. As far as I am aware they were not a good match because they wanted different things in life, and as he always said 'he didn't feel like himself with her' and that the relationship was more friendship than anything else for the last 2 years of it. Now, where is the truth... God knows, I don't know her, I wasn't there. Maybe he truly does love her and they will make it work, maybe it's just 'unfinished' matter that they have to live through to decide what is the best for them and so on.
Now, I tried to move on as much as possible. So no contact for over 5months, I started seeing someone, focused on my new course and new job searches. All while dying inside and missing him so much, as I fell in love with him. I have never felt so comfortable and at home with anyone, as much as it was with him. I know he is a great honest guy who has never led me on and it's just sooo hard to forget.
So, to sum up my attitude: the mind knows it's over and I should move on. I am doing things to make it happen.
The heart still loves him and is longing for him. I repeat in my head all the good things that we shared, I cannot forget places, songs, little gestures, sex, his smell, his touch, even names of his family members and places he visited (well travelled guy) haunt me on a daily basis. It hurts less and less but it still does.

And my intuition or whatever you call it is not doing me any favours as I have that feeling that one day, when he is finally over his ex, he will get back in touch and we can start over again. I feel a bit stupid even writing this tbh but it all messes my head up so much... I am almost 40, have been on my own for 6 years and was VERY careful when entering this relationship... so I think I was ready for new love. He wasn't and he knew it, he apologised... and disappeared. Now, I am kind of paying the price. I maintained the no contact for 5 months but recently we spoke briefly and I know he is not back with her yet but hopes they will try... it was just a friendly conversation as I thought I was ready just to be friends with him... but in a way it released the whole avalanche of thoughts of 'why they are not back together yet then' kind of thoughts... as if I was looking for confirmation that they actually will not make it work, as time passes and it still is not happening, so surely either one of them of both of them have still doubts. I know these sort of things take time - it took me a couple of years to get over my ex-husband and we did experience a failed 'getting back together' period... it was long months of coming back and forth... and while I appreciate that their situation is different, I know what phases of hope and denial people go through when want to patch things up.

Recently I had a chat with a male friend, met online through a mutual hobby. The guy is married and he always had a soft spot for me, suggesting meeting and so on, where he was going through a bad period with his wife. Never happened as I am not interested in meeting married men but we talk occasionally and I confided in him about my failed relationship. And mentioned I cancelled a date with the new guy because I don't feel ready to move on, I still love the first guy etc.
Now, the friend guy was 'shocked'. He sais it's ridiculous, that I should move on and that my ex made his mind and chose his ex. I explained that I still have feelings for him and that I will doubt they will make it work. He was even more shocked... he said that basically I am putting my life on hold, willing to wait a couple of years 'in the hope that someone will not be happy with someone they love'... and that this is immoral and wrong. And that I am worth more and so on.
Now... I understand what he says... that all my efforts should be totally separate from whatever happens or happened with him and her, and I should truly focus on myself, which I am trying. But I cannot recover from the 'immoral' comment... am I really immoral? Is it wrong to hope that someone you love comes back to you? It's not that I wish them wrong, I just think, based on what I know, that they will not reconcile... but I always say to myself that if what they have is TRUE love and IF they are right for each other, they should be together... I say it kind of against myself because it's the right thing to do and feel and I want to be the person who has rules and follows the good path. But I am so confused now about my own outlook on that matter.

Any advice how to get rid of that horrible feeling? It has been bad enough trying to forget him and doing stuff to move on, and knowing deep inside that I still have hopes for him to come back.... and now, on top of that I feel like some selfish two-faced bitch who doesn't appreciate real and true feelings and counts on someone's relationship failing. I just don't know what I think anymoresad

MissConductUS Wed 06-Dec-17 19:08:13

First off, I am sorry that you are in this difficult position. Life so often does not work out the way we hope it will.

Pining for him is not unusual. Love and attachment have very real biological underpinnings, which drive the emotional aspects:

www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love

This is why it is so hard to get over some romantic relationships. You do need to focus on letting go of any hope that your relationship will resume, but you also don't have to put yourself out there dating if you don't feel ready. What you hope for might or might not happen and it's completely outside of your influence so you need to put it out of your mind as best as you can.

Have you considered seeking some kind of counseling? It sounds as if this is really hanging you up.

altiara Wed 06-Dec-17 19:09:51

It’s not immoral, it’s fairly normal I’d say.
You’re actually being really sensible ditching the ex and seeing if he gets back with his previous ex (likely not). You could’ve tried to hold onto him, that also would not have been immoral.
The other comments about not putting your life on hold is fair but you know that.
I’d say, if you want him - go and get him, unless he’s being a dick about wanting his ex. But feel free to point out all the things that meant he wasn’t happy with her and also that she doesn’t want him. Then, if that doesn’t work, move on.
But tbh if you want to wait 2 years and are truly happy with that, then do it. But forget about the true love stuff. They broke up and weren’t happy together. That’s not true love, it’s his fantasy.

SandyY2K Wed 06-Dec-17 19:20:11

I agree with everything your guy friend said...except the immoral bit.

I think he chose the wrong word for what he means.

Basically... your hoping if he goes back to her... that it doesn't work .. then he'll come to you. So in a way wanting their potential reconciliation to fail.

That makes you plan B...the consolation prize. You deserve and should want better than that for yourself.

Teensandfuture Wed 06-Dec-17 19:44:05

OP your ex probably feels about you same way you feel about the new guy. He didn't love you,not really. As soon as you accept that, life will get better.
And no it's not immoral it's human nature,women willing to wait.
You're friend is from Mars...you are from Venus

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now