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Anxious attachment

(39 Posts)
itsalottery Wed 06-Dec-17 15:05:01

After a lot of soul searching and internet reading I have come to the conclusion that I am an anxious attachment person and the bf who has just broken my heart is of avoidance attachment. It shows that we were obviously totally incompatible and why the relationship has been so hard. Has anyone been like this and been able to change themselves or found better suited partners who don't make them feel this way. Also how can i stop my preteen daughter being like me in future relationships as I know it is a good way to to be.

Shoxfordian Wed 06-Dec-17 15:25:28

I am a bit avoidant and I know people being clingy had led me to end relationships before.... it sounds like you could benefit from some therapy to readjust your boundaries and attachment style.

The first step is recognising it so that will help you to notice this sort of behaviour in future and avoid it

CanalTrip Wed 06-Dec-17 15:44:37

I agree, that is the worst combination, and suspect that overall the insecure anxious person would suffer more than the insecure avoidant person, as it would just be a bit stifling for the latter, but a series of perceived rejections for the former. You would be better with a secure person, but even another insecure anxious person would be better than avoidant type.

Justbreathing Wed 06-Dec-17 17:41:21

apparently it's quite common for the opposites to end up together. Perhaps work on why you are anxious attachment and realise your triggers? I think the avoidance types are the WORST to end up with in my personal experience, but then I am anxious so it completely triggers my insecurities when someone pulls away.

what you really want to end up with is some one who is stable, and then they might be able to understand why you get anxious instead of pushing you away and then guess what! you become less anxious. Easier said than done though!

itsalottery Wed 06-Dec-17 21:45:32

Thank you for your replies. I do think it's very hard to not get anxious when being lied to and ignored for days. I try to play it cool but that just makes me more angry and upset. I guess I have broken the cycle now by ending it but need to try and learn from it for the future.

hattyhighlighter Wed 06-Dec-17 21:54:46

There's a good book called 'Attached' by Rachel Heller (amazon) in case you've not read that.

Worriedrose Wed 06-Dec-17 22:07:30

I'm there with you OP
It's fucking shit, I'm a grown woman and I still obsess over a text message not being replied to. But at least you recognise that.
Problem is, if you end up with a cunt it makes it 100% worse because they're doing what you fear! shock

itsalottery Wed 06-Dec-17 22:11:27

Thanks worriedrose, I totally agree. At least I am aware of my shortcomings which is a start. Can't make someone not be an arse though, what I need to work on is not accepting it. Trying hard at that now!

Worriedrose Wed 06-Dec-17 23:13:42

Me too! Must learn to tell them to fuck off when I don't feel happy. But then I worry I am over thinking their behaviour. I guess we have to do what makes us comfortable.
I'm nearly bloody 40 and this is only just starting to sink in!

itsalottery Wed 06-Dec-17 23:18:34

I'm way older than you so at least you've got a headstart x

coldlocation Thu 07-Dec-17 19:42:27

I have just read this and Googled.... The anxious /avoidant thing describes my current relationship perfectly. I am the avoidant one, DP the anxious. So much now makes desire for space whilst DP wants to get closer and I stalk off in the opposite direction. Our conflicts and our reactions to rows make some kinda sense. I don't know what that realisation means for the relationship but I understand so much more and would just like to thank the op.

(I also realise exH was as avoidant as me, we just lived separate lives amicably for 20 odd years and never ever discussed our relationship.)

Oakleygirl Thu 07-Dec-17 20:01:34

OP, this makes sense to me also. I have just googled and recognise for the first time that I am an anxious attachment type too, and realise I have been like this all my life!

Northernpowerhouse Thu 07-Dec-17 20:10:26

Does anyone know, is it possible to have different attachment styles with different people. I am sure that I am anxious and avoidant depending on the partner.

anxiousnow Thu 07-Dec-17 20:36:13

Where has this info been since my exH. I am the same as you OP... but i never used to be which hopefully gived you some hope that you can change it. I am sorry you bf has broken your heart. Have you actually split up? I think re your daughter, don't ever let her witness your anxious text watching etc. Always explain positive relationship traits. I worry about this too with my children. I don't want my sons to treat women how i have bedn treated or my daughter to accept this treatment and vice versa of course.

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 20:37:45

Can I ask you why you separated if you don't mind
If you were both avoidant.
Northern, I don't think so, it's entirely dependant on your childhood. But I think some people can bring aspects out more. What you might find as an avoidant is you can't handle some others being more avoidant than you, then you start being anxious if that makes sense!
My ex was avoidant, everytime I walked away he would go into overdrive clingy. I would get close again, and all of a sudden I was feeling anxious, because of feeling discarded by him.

Most avoidents do want love! They do want to be abandoned or rejected, because that's probably what happened when they were children. So, someone gets close and they fear rejection so retreat. And it's just vice versa for anxious.

Basically if you had a nice happy loving upbringing you would simply be secure!!!

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 20:39:19

Northern I meant "one" instead of you. Gah should read back my posts before posting

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 20:41:05

Jesus!! They DONT want to be discarded or rejected.
FML i can't even write a post and I have only had 1 glass of wine

Northernpowerhouse Thu 07-Dec-17 21:04:46

Rose yes, I think that is it. Food for thought. Thank you.

coldlocation Thu 07-Dec-17 21:25:26

.... Ummm.... We were just living separate lives and resentment had grown and grown and there were some other monumentally selfish actions from him that just bust my respect and affection for him.... Eventually. I did want love but he never really showed it, I got used to the situation then it just became the norm, we were great friends we took great trips, we have 3 amazing kids. We remain good friends and Co parent v amicably.

Current DP so different and I was blown away by the flattery and affection at the start... Now I just miss being left alone in peace. Wth exH we'd happily go to the pub together and read the paper rather than talk to each other, if I had some errand to run he'd let me do it and do his own thing... DP expects full eye contact and meaningful conversation (altho is shy and not v talkative), likes time 'just for us', wants intertwined limbs on the sofa and will accompany me on errands (eg I had an appointmen(not medical, didn't need a second adult) and had an hour long wait from arriving - we were in a lovely place brimming with indie shops, coffe bars etc, if the roles has been reversed I'd have gone for a coffee and a, wander and told DP to text me when done....DP waited with me and during the appointment, I felt rude wanting to read the paper/my phone in peace while I waited. At the end of the day DP said "we had a nice afternoon together didn't we?". My thought was that I had wasted DP's afternoon and was irritated at the delay with my appointment, DP was just happy to have spent time with me).

But I feel like a heel for not appreciating DP.

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 21:27:06

Northern you might actually be more avoident. But I don't know you obviously

Northernpowerhouse Thu 07-Dec-17 21:38:07

Rose, yes I am avoidant but was confused as I occasionlly become anxious ... and yes it is when interacting with someone more avoidant than me.
That does give me some insight into how anxious attachers feel ..... and particularly how they feel when I am being avoidant!

Shoxfordian Thu 07-Dec-17 21:40:30

Wow coldlocation; I would find that so annoying and clingy. Definitely couldn't deal with that much clinginess. I'm on the avoidant side though.

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 21:41:38

That's really interesting, I say that from someone who is more like him. I would love someone to come and wait with me and gang out with me, and I've never thought of it from your perspective.
I always think I someone else would love for me to always be supportive and there for them, like your DH.
But maybe you're just early days. Everyone gets bored of entwined legs!
Maybe you're just both trying to find your feet.
I do wonder if two avoident people are better together.

Worriedrose Thu 07-Dec-17 21:42:41

Hang out. I even thought I corrected that!

coldlocation Thu 07-Dec-17 21:50:32

@worriedrose thanks. Wish DP did see this from my perspective.... For DP if I declined the offer of the waiting with me it would be seen as rejection... Even though I've said "I'll be fine, it'll be dead boring..why don't you go have a coffee and I'll text when I'm done"... It's rejecting the kind offer of support....sigh.

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