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Single for many years! Do you think it's my body?

(54 Posts)
cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 13:19:53

I have built so much confidence when it comes to dating. I was very naive when I first became single. Not everyone is genuine and not everyone likes you back. I'm totally ok with that. Rejection is a direction, right?!
Although, I'm confident in the fact I'm going to be rejected at any stage of dating. I'm starting to lose confidence in me! By that I mean, my appearance. I'm a (wobbly/saggy) size 14-16 and it has taken me a long time to be ok with myself when dating (when I'm dressed) but I have noticed a pattern.
When it comes to the next stage in the dating process (getting naked), it's not long after, they disappear. I'm now at a point where I expect it. That's not nice.
I don't think I will ever have the confidence to be naked around anyone again. Not even in a swim suit. So the thought of holidays make me anxious. To be the lights out, bra on type of gal, isn't very exciting is it?
I'm honestly thinking of staying single because of the above sad

PaxUniversalis Wed 06-Dec-17 13:30:56

cupcakesmakeyouhappy - how do you feel about your own body? You use words like 'wobbly' and 'saggy' which sounds rather negative. Are you happy?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 06-Dec-17 13:31:53

Bless you, cupcakes. The thing is, people are always cognisant of looks and it's true, that is what initially draws them. They may even have a 'type' and prefer not to deviate from that but, time and again I've heard it said that a couple is chalk and cheese, one of the two has no idea how it happened because they were not the idea - and then they fell in love anyway.

You're meeting men who don't value relationships, they want sex. Those men get the sex and then move on. That's a flaw in them, not you.

If you are focusing on your body in a negative way then the only thing to do is address that to make yourself feel better about it. What can you do? Tone up? Swimming is brilliant for that as is weight-lifting. Even surface improvements, having a well-moisturised body is motivating. Nails done, hair to your liking - not for other people but for you. My particular 'hook' is perfume . If I'm having a bad day and I'm in need of a lift, a spritz does the trick for me.

The point I'm making is that much of this is in your head and is about the way you feel about yourself. The men don't matter but I would personally hold off with sex until you want to do it for it's own sake - or that you really want to wait until you know each other better and are happy that he will see beyond what you perceive are your 'flaws'.

What do your friends say?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 06-Dec-17 13:32:37

... and Pax nailed it with far fewer words smile

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 13:48:19

PaxUniversalis hi 😊 nooooo, not at all happy. It really is wobbly and saggy sad I actually feel sad writing this. It's my own fault (past neglect). I want to look after me more but I think it's too late for my poor body.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe hi 😊 Yes, I do believe I need to work on myself more. I'm getting better at it. I try my best and have my hair and nails done. I try to look nice and have confidence but at some point in going to have to be confident naked and I really don't think I ever could be. It has put me off dating now. You're right, I do need to exercise , I just find it difficult to find time (excuses, I know!)
You mentioned guys only wanting sex. I do believe this is true and I am usually a good judge of character. The guys that I feel are genuine, these guys turn out to be less than. Well, maybe they are genuine but not attracted to me (naked) in that way. I have even questioned if i am doing something wrong during...
My friends have complimented me and want to boost my confidence but they haven't seen me naked. All my friends have lovely figures. I'm all for promoting, bewho you are, in your own skin, whatever size. Confidence is beauty. I just don't have that and I wish I could embrace my flaws. My flaws aren't just little. They're quite ugly.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 06-Dec-17 13:52:03

What about 'belly dancing' classes, cupcakes? It sounds shocking to you, I know it will, but if anything is going to give you some much-needed confidence, it would be that. And it would be fun and you'd meet lots of women, see that we're all different shapes and sizes with varying amounts of 'jiggle'.

These classes are women-only. What do you think?

TheNaze73 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:52:54

I think there are two types of larger person & it applies to both sexes. Those who live life to the full, are self confident & embrace their size & those who don’t.

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 06-Dec-17 13:54:20

It isn't your body. Promise. Being ghosted after sex happens, unfortunately, whether you're a size 18 or a size 8, if the person you've had sex with isn't interested in an ongoing relationship but doesn't have the balls to say so. I don't have a single friend, even the most gorgeous, who hasn't been ghosted after sex at some point. It happens to men, too. And when I was younger and a bit of an asshole I'd regularly go to bed with men and then never get in touch with them again, just because. Nothing to do with how they looked though.

If you're not happy with your body, focus on changing it for that reason. Diet, exercise, lifestyle changes. And it's undeniable that knowing you look good and feeling confident in yourself will have an impact on your approach to dating - even if only because if you get rejected you'll have the confidence to know it's entirely their loss and actually believe it.

MikeUniformMike Wed 06-Dec-17 13:55:24

Cupcakes, there are people out there who are just after one thing but there is a strong chance that there is someone just right for you.
I would join a gym or get a personal trainer if you can afford it. If not, try a fitness dvd or upping daily walking and so on. It will give you confidence to feel your body getting fitter.
You are probably not (very) wobbly at all but just lacking in confidence.
It doesn't take long to improve a body if you are in general good health and if you start now you will see results in a few weeks.

scottishdiem Wed 06-Dec-17 14:01:49

I think there is an issue about men moving on once they have had sex and that is always a challenge.

If you are worried about how you look then there are dating sites where the men are sure that they find the larger women, the saggy bits all the more attractive (BBW dating basically). You will still find that men are there for sex as well but you can be confident that they are no moving on because they didnt find you attractive. They did, but just wanted sex.

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 14:04:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Oh dear that made me laugh, imagining me wobbling my bits. I can imagine it being great fun. I have never seen anything advertised. I'm actually going to Google it 😊
TheNaze73 I wish I could embrace. I'm trying very hard!
ComtesseDeSpair Yes, ghosting seems to be a big thing these days. I suppose, I'm not the only one. I just couldn't stop thinking, it was me. Yes, although I am alot better, I do need to find some confidence from somewhere. I think the more it happens, the harder to find confidence.
MikeUniformMike I am very wobbly! Thankyou for the tips. I do need to start something. I need to find the time. I Do wonder how much I could possibly tone. It's just my tummy and boobs are not nice 😔 and will never be again, unfortunately.

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 14:06:16

scottishdiem thankyou! Tinder is as far as I will stretch at the moment but thankyou. It might be worth a look.

PaxUniversalis Wed 06-Dec-17 14:07:06

It's my own fault (past neglect). I want to look after me more but I think it's too late for my poor body.

NO! It is NEVER too late for your body.

It can be done. I've been there. The most difficult bit is motivating yourself. I used to like the idea of walking, going to the gym, being fit, being active, etc. But I never acted upon it. I put things off. I always had an excuse for NOT doing things. Too tired, too busy, too much work, too hot, too cold.
Why not start by going for a daily walk in your local area or park. 30 minutes, no more. The more you walk the more you'll want to walk, you'll see people, you'll chat to people, you'll feel invigorated and you'll feel a bit better already. That's what I did. It's a start.

How old are you?
Some men can be very superficial. Let them go. They're idiots.

Nazdarovye Wed 06-Dec-17 14:08:25

You'll find a lot of dodgy men on dating sites. A lot of them are players or/ and in relationships so they are after fresh meat.
But realistically, it is important for a lot of men to be physically attracted to their partner.
Have you tried toning up? In my opinion most men don't care too much if you are a size 8-10 or a size 14-16, as long as you are toned. Though having said that, it is obviously a bit easier to be toned when slimmer.
And btw, never ask your female friends what they think about your looks. They will always be full of praises and never be honest. Even if they honestly think you look nice, they don't see you through the eyes of men.

Babyblues052 Wed 06-Dec-17 14:08:49

I think confidence is sexy. In both sexes. So if you can embrace how you look and not feel like you have to hide it then you'll notice a difference. If not then change it, not for these men (who could just be after sex and leave once they have it NOT your fault) but for yourself!

I'm not a skinny minny and with my current dp I was nervous to be naked with him (because I fancy him loads grin) the first time. But i thought well you know how I look and it can't come as that much of a surprise how I look naked, took the pressure off myself and enjoyed myself.

And if those men are leaving because of that the they are shallow as hell and not worth your time!

Love yourself (harder said than done) it takes all sorts to make a world and people find all different things attractive. I guarantee there are men out there that you are their "type".

Look after you flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 06-Dec-17 14:08:53

That's good cupcakes, my posts usually make people cross.

I don't know how old you are but I do know that kettle-bell weights are under-rated but excellent at helping tone less-than-firm areas - and you can do it at home. There are some brilliant exercises online for these.

I'll just add this... do you believe - for even one minute - that men spend much time looking at their balls/cock/stomachs/moobs/pigeon chests/knobbly knees... and see anything other than "everything in the right place doing just what it should even if it's not perfect, it's perfectly good enough"? That's where you need to be. smile

MikeUniformMike Wed 06-Dec-17 14:11:21

I've been to middle eastern dance classes and they were fun. Most of the women were middle aged and not sylph-like, and they looked great.

Ah, you are dating people on Tinder. This might explain the ghosting. Go out, live your life, have fun and enjoy yourself.

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 14:23:07

PaxUniversalis I should, I know. I make terrible excuses. I do need to. Have you lost weight? I am 40! Single most of my 30's. I have 3 dc's and I'm a student nurse so I find my life a bit bonkers at times. It's going to sound strange but I was stood doing the dishes last night thinking how I have done this for a and this for b and tomorrow I'm going to do c. It's a lovely feeling knowing I'm making everyone happy. Then, I thought, I feel like a robot. It's hard to explain. It's like I'm just in automatic for everything and everyone. I forget so so much about me. My mum was a very selfish person so I question my idea of thinking of me being selfish.
Nazdarovye I don't think my tummy or boobs or bum for that matter will ever be toned. I know I should try. After posting, makes me want to more. You're all right!
Babyblues052 thankyou. I'm glad you are confident with your do, that's lovely I hope I one day find that. I do try, honesty, to be confident. I dress up. I wear good underwear. I definitely act it even when I'm not but still, this happens. You're right, they're shallow if that's the case. They just didn't appear to be before.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe very helpful, very much appreciated. Haha No, I don't suppose they do Haha! Yes, I need to be that way. Thankyou, I feel motivated to find a new me Haha!

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 14:25:12

MikeUniformMike I know tinder has a rep but I don't get out much, due to mentioned above but I'm going to try and do something at least. It's just so good being able to talk about it here.

Thankyou everyone 😊

MargoLovebutter Wed 06-Dec-17 14:31:04

cupcakes, how well do you know the men before you have sex?

I'm the same size as you, but don't think of myself as saggy & wobbly, so I wonder if your 'inner critic' is being very negative about your body. I think until you like/love yourself, you'll have trouble believing anyone else could either. I've never met you and I think you are amazing, studying to be a nurse and raising three children - so you should think that too! smile

MikeUniformMike Wed 06-Dec-17 14:31:25

Are there other dating sites you could try?
Good luck, you sound nice.

LanaDReye Wed 06-Dec-17 14:42:32

Having been on OLD sites previously I think this is just the nature of dating. Most new relationships end for a range of reasons and you can guess that it is a physical reason, but it is not likely. Your dates will have seen your figure through clothes and with early "hugging" will know what they are getting and are obviously keen as you have sex. unless you walk around in a large box

They may just want a ONS, may be thinking about an ex, may just not see things becoming more serious. You can't know, but you can have fun along the way rather than worry about things that probably aren't an issue.

cupcakesmakeyouhappy Wed 06-Dec-17 14:54:31

MargoLovebutter Aww thankyou 😊 that is such a kind thing to say. I think a size 14 is probably average. I have seen plus size models with no wobbly bits but I really do have. I carry the weight on my tummy. My boobs are very saggy. In the past been terribly negative about myself. I actually feel quite sad in how much I neglected myself. I'm getting better. Previously I have waited only 3 dates, but recently as in the last few years, I have dated up until date 6/7. Usually after a few weeks.
MikeUniformMike thankyou 😊 I wouldn't know of any, other than POF in which made my confidence worse.
LanaDReye Yes, I suppose but my clothes hide it well. I know they're expecting it, I suppose I am more wobbly than most.

Spartak Wed 06-Dec-17 15:03:36

Cupcakes, I'm 40 and fat. I know where you are coming from. I've joined up to various online dating sites but bottle out of actually meeting anyone because I look minging. No way on earth I'd actually get my kit off with a bloke. I've been single for 5 years, missed the boat with having kids and just muddle through day to day.

Stick with the course though, I retrained with an AHP degree and it's the best thing I've done. I've been qualified for four years and I love the meaning that it's given to my otherwise pointless life.

No advice really. Just wanted to say that you aren't alone.

PaxUniversalis Wed 06-Dec-17 15:05:31

cupcakesmakeyouhappy - sure, I've lost weight. I joined Slimming World too. It works.
But I stil struggle, purely because I'm not always disciplined. I work away quite regularly and when I'm away my good intentions go out the window! I'm almost addicted to sugar. I have a big belly and fat thighs. My upper body is OK.
I've started going for brisk walks again, no more than 30 minutes. It helps. I feel good and motivated again after a walk. Slimming World in itself works, it's great but you need to be disciplined whatever you do. It's hard sometimes.

I notice that when I start eating fruit I enjoy it and I want to eat more fruit more regularly. Once I start eating biscuits and chocolate I don't want the fruit or the healthy stuff. Sugar is a poison!
Do you cook healthy meals?

You have a very busy life, 3 DCs, studying to be a nurse, wow sounds full on and tiring.

Re OLD, I've never done it. I'm married now. But it sounds daunting. You never know who these people are. A bit scary. Be safe.

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