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Should I end this friendship or AIBU?

(15 Posts)
MamaMia88 Wed 06-Dec-17 11:42:09

I posted in AIBU but I’m not getting much response.

I have a friend who I met years ago when life events sort of brought us together. She’s funny and kind at times. There is a lot I like about her.

She is very overweight which has affected her ability to have children. She has been on many diets and has tried and failed. She resigned herself to never having kids and has recently split from a very long term relationship.

DH & I started a family a number of years ago and have two DC. When DC1 was about 18 months, my friend came to stay with me while DH was away. I put DC to bed but we had ordered a takeaway and I stupidly forgot to ask them not to ring the doorbell. They rang the bell and DD woke up and started crying. She was notorious at that age for not going back to sleep if I went in to comfort her. Instead I chose to leave her to settle herself. She cried for 5 minutes and then nodded off again. Fast forward a few months and we were at a gathering with my friend & her parter and another couple who we are all friends with. I left the room and when I went to walk back in, I heard my friend telling them about how I had just left my daughter to cry it out and basically slaying me behind my back. Our mutual friends had newborn twins at the time so had no idea themselves about the toddler stage. Anyway, I put it down to my friend not having children and not understanding and I just got over it.

Anyway. Same friend was visiting this weekend. To cut a long story short, DD2 had missed her morning nap so was a little grumpy. We went into a café and I put DD2 in a high chair. She started to cry, so I lifted her out and popped peppa pig on my phone to distract her. DD2 doesn’t even watch tv as she’s not interested but I was desperate for her to settle down as I’m now always worried about my friend judging me. Anyway, she settled down very quickly but my friend suggested we should just go home and that way I could put her down for her nap. I was very grateful for her being so understanding. Then when we left, she said to me, “look, when you’re baby is crying and everyone’s staring at you, that’s when it’s time to leave”. I don’t know if I’m BU but I just felt very offended by this. She cried for about a minute and then I settled her. She makes me feel as though my kids are an inconvenience to her, if that makes sense, and like she’s constantly judging every decision I make. I just can’t relax around her at all. Should I keep making the effort or should I distance myself? Please help.

MamaMia88 Wed 06-Dec-17 11:42:46

Another thing that has really been irritating me is, she keeps commenting on my weight. I’m 8 stone 12, 5 foot 4.5. Bar gaining weight when pregnant and losing weight after, I have consistently been this weight for 5 years, yet every time she sees me, she’ll say things like “god you’re disappearing” etc. It just doesn’t make me feel great about myself and I feel as though she should understand that it’s not nice to comment on others weight like that. I feel sad because we’ve been friends for years but I’m just totally losing interest in the friendship now, if that makes sense.

pameladoove Wed 06-Dec-17 11:45:50

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Do you like her otherwise?

MamaMia88 Wed 06-Dec-17 11:47:57

There was so much I used to like but I feel like it’s all overshadowed now. We used to live in very close proximity but now we’re an hour & a half drive away. She was always very bossy when we were younger but everyone has their flaws. I just feel on edge the whole time I’m with her now because of the judging. I wasn’t sure if it’s my fault for being insecure around her or her fault for making me feel this way?

MamaMia88 Wed 06-Dec-17 11:48:59

Typically, the kids seem to play up more when she’s here 😩 they must sense that I’m on edge!

pameladoove Wed 06-Dec-17 11:49:12

Just let the friendship slide, no need to cut her off completely or anything dramatic.

I too would feel judged by those comments.

Allthecoolkids Wed 06-Dec-17 11:50:39

I would just let it naturally cool off for a bit.

Pigeonpost Wed 06-Dec-17 11:52:18

She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around. I'd let things slide.

DancingOnParsnips Wed 06-Dec-17 11:55:47

Let it slide. The kids will be feeling it and playing up - no-one needs that hassle.

user1495451339 Wed 06-Dec-17 12:00:19

Maybe she is jealous so is picking holes in your life to make herself feel better. She doesn't have kids (but wanted them) so picks on your parenting. She is overweight so makes you feel bad for being slim. You are also in a happy relationship and she has just split from her boyfriend.

I feel kind of sad for her but if she wants to keep friendships she needs to be a friend and not try and make you feel bad. You could try seeing her again and being more direct by letting her know you are unhappy with her comments as and when she says them. If she doesn't change or apologise then just let things slide (at least she will know why).

gingerclementine Wed 06-Dec-17 12:08:18

I lost a couple of very close friendships when I had kids and they didn't. It just wasn't possible to close that gap because they just didn't get children and I got bored of their (perfectly understandable) inability to imagine what it's like being a mother.

gingerclementine Wed 06-Dec-17 12:09:40

Sorry - meant to say, so I think you might just want to let it go. She doesn't get it. She's critical without being aware or informed. She's uncomfortable with your slimness and not happy in her own skin. judging by the diets and the infertility. Lots of sad incompatibility there.

Alexandra87 Wed 06-Dec-17 12:11:33

If it's mainly the parenting she annoys you about just arrange to meet up with her without taking dc

QuiteLikely5 Wed 06-Dec-17 12:12:00

You need to be more confident! Kids cry all the time I would certainly never leave a cafe due to a few tears!

Just tell her ‘I know what I’m doing’ tell yourself that too!!!

hollowtree Wed 06-Dec-17 12:14:30

That's really unkind of her and would make me feel rubbish! Even if you have kids of your own everyone is different so you can never judge!

Also, leaving her to self settle was absolutely what I would have done!

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