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stepping back from useless ex in DS life

(2 Posts)
neonpink Wed 06-Dec-17 11:22:22

I have a DD, 4, split up with ex when he was a baby. Ever since I got PG he has been completely useless.

Granted, he has various MH issues, but is not ill all the time, maybe 60%. They have been his get out clause every time I have needed help with DD. "I'm not well enough to come over" etc. (Very convenient)

I have no family locally. I get no financial support from ex (to be fair he does not work, but even £5 a week would be nice).

On the whole we get on ok because I tolerate his uselessness, rather than kicking up a fuss.

His idea of help is: turning up an hour late, a few days a week, staying over (his place is a pigsty) a handful of days, "helping" with DD by occasionally playing, watching TV, no help with practical things, getting fed, sleeping in most of the day. Basically I do everything and he's a glorified playmate.

I know I have enabled it to an extent but it's been so hard with a preschooler that I feel I have had little choice. Managing my work has been so tough I have needed his useless self about. Some (rubbish) help has been better than my work falling apart, and also being a LP is so lonely...I don't ever get to go out. I can't trust him to meet DD's needs for any extended period, as he will be late making her dinner, or let her wet the bed (it never happened with me).

I had enough. He turned up at DD birthday (he did no help or prep) 40 mins late and sat "djing" ie missing cues to turn the music on, didn't speak to anyone. Had the balls to have a go at me when I said to DM I was proud I got DD to 6yo, saying it was 50% him etc.

His behaviour when here is jekyll and hydey, entitled, crashing about if he's in a mood, aggressive in the mornings, lazy as hell. Then nice as pie so long as I don't confront him. EA when confronted, calling me "brow beating" when I ask for help, lying, etc. Playing the victim.

I've had enough and need to disentangle. I feel bad as DD loves her dad but I can't go on like this. He's setting a terrible example.

Has anyone successfully disentangled? I don't want to cut him out completely. It's going to be tough but I have to do it. I can't go on like this. I am a lot stronger and I have school now to help. I guess he's made the last few years more difficult. I do worry that if I minimise contact I won't be able to get everything done and work will fall apart even more. I have to do it!

Biddylee Wed 06-Dec-17 14:32:34

My ex has always done all the fun stuff in the care of our kid. Never the practical and I can't rely on him for any of this. However he has got a good relationship with my daughter. He isn't allowed to stay over - he puts my daughter to bed a few nights a week and has her for some time over the weekend.

I think you need to tell your ex that he can't stay over and don't look after him on any kind of regular basis. But do continue letting him have some involvement. As your daughter gets older she will know you are the solid reliable parent and she can have a relationship with her dad but she will figure him out.

Your ex's 'rubbish' and 'useless' help has been some help -so give him a tiny weeny break on that. But take the control and make sure you are meeting your needs.

It's hard work also being met with the victim card. Hope you find a solution.

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