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My teenage dd and her controlling boyfriend. Am I doing the right thing? I think I am.

(12 Posts)
ihatethecold Wed 06-Dec-17 11:03:50

My dd has major anxiety issues due to severe bullying a year ago. She takes beta blockers before school and is waiting to have her assessment with Camhs.
Her confidence is very low and she has given up friends and hobbies.
Preferring to see her boyfriend or stay in her bedroom.

She told me her boyfriend doesn’t like her talking to certain friends at school that are boys.
He will check her phone and get really annoyed if she doesn’t answer FaceTime or calls and will keep ringing until she answers.
He has an issue with her getting a piggy back from another boy about 5 months ago and brings it up as if she has cheated.

She can only see him outside school with our help because of a lack of public transport.

We have spoken often about respect in a relationship and how it’s very important that she maintains her other relationships with friends.
I’ve told her she is adjusting her behaviour so she doesn’t annoy him.

She was upset on Monday night ( not for the first time about his jealousy/ controlling issues)
I said I will no longer take her to see him outside school and have asked if I can speak to him if his mum is ok with that.
I have met his mum a few times and had a chat.

She is now minimising his behaviour and not speaking to us.
It’s so upsetting.
It’s my job to protect her. She has enough issues without isolating herself even more.

Should I try speak to his mum to ask if it’s ok to talk to him?

RiseToday Wed 06-Dec-17 11:06:34

I think it might be best to talk to his Mum and have her deal with him.

You say you've chatted to his mum before, did you not bring anything up then or is this a recent problem?

How old are they?

Tinselistacky Wed 06-Dec-17 11:06:58

Could you download +print info about abusive relationships so she can read for herself? She will be thinking you are just a nag!! Maybe speak to school and see if they have pastoral care she could access. If it is impacting on her attitude /behaviour at school they will be sure to help you.

ihatethecold Wed 06-Dec-17 11:10:01

I have a good relationship with the pastoral team at school. We have had to see them many times about her MH.

I didn’t mention anything to his mum before because it wasn’t a current issue.

She is 14.

That’s a good idea about printing something off.

RiseToday Wed 06-Dec-17 11:12:16

I think my first port of call would be to have a chat with his mum then, assuming she is a decent person and will take your concerns on board?

Personally I would be horrified if my son was acting in such a controlling manner and I would want to talk to him about it.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Dec-17 11:13:46

It's hearbreaking.
My DD was in a controlling relationship a while ago.
I just kept telling her and basically dropping hints.
Let it sink in a bit more with all my comments but she was never going to totally listen to me.
Her friends told her in the end after me chatting to them.
And she ended it.
She sees it now for what it was and she certainly learnt some things.
Get your DD to have a look on youtube.
'Teen dating violence'
Get her to watch the videos.
I also got my daughter a book THIS ONE
She needs out but you can't make her.
You can only be there for her when she's ready.

TammySwansonTwo Wed 06-Dec-17 11:23:13

Ooh the mum pisses me off. If this were my son he'd be in serious shit.

Didn't the government do a campaign a while ago about abuse in teenage relationships? I wonder if they have some materials you could access?

I would definitely find some online info for on controlling partners, maybe some kind of checklist that's age appropriate (e.g. There won't be financial control probably, so try and find things relevant to her age).

IMO it's good she's experiencing this at a young age while she's still at home and has you for support. Better that than when she first leaves home I guess, although obviously you don't want her to go through it at all.

Let her see some impartial info and see this isn't just you not understanding being young and in love (bleugh).

Racmactac Wed 06-Dec-17 11:31:17

Google crush project. It's aimed at teens and run by women's aid in Worcester. Not sure where you are but website very helpful

ihatethecold Wed 06-Dec-17 11:38:35

I’m in East Anglia. But I can look at that website.
She completely blames me for not being able to see him.
😔 it breaks my heart. We are so close

ihatethecold Wed 06-Dec-17 11:44:24

The useful pages on the crush website have a download button that isn’t working.

RavingRoo Wed 06-Dec-17 11:49:26

Let the school know it’s an abusive relationship. If they don’t listen then can you switch her schools?

Get your dd into see a therapist that specialises in verbal abuse and abusive relationships.

Take your dd to volunteer at a woman’s refuge and talk to the women there. Plenty of their experiences started just like your daughters.

Keep reminding her that he is abusive when she has a go at you.

ihatethecold Wed 06-Dec-17 11:53:59

She sees a counsellor once a week.
Her appointment is today after school.
Her counsellor already thinks my dd relys on other people to much for emotional support.
She’s doing this with her boyfriend.

I’ve just seen her messages to him on her iPad.
I really am the enemy.

I said to her last night that she is targeting her anger at the wrong person.

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