Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lengths to avoid a NC person?

(13 Posts)
PurpleAtlas Wed 06-Dec-17 08:03:02

I went NC with a man a few weeks ago that I had a very toxic, strange and co-dependent friendship with after realizing that he undermined my self esteem, rejected me, used me for support when his on/off relationship was 'off'and left me feeling generally rotten. It was really hard and I suffered at first but he is leaving my mind now and I can hand on heart say my life is better now he is not in it. It's still early days but the NC has been positive for me - I am even forgetting about him now I don't see him/hear from him which is nice. I've recently got to a peace of mind I wouldn't have thought possible a couple of months ago.

Neither of us have been in touch but I just know that he would have expected me to by now.

Problem is - we have a mutual friend returning to our town for one weekend only, and mutual friend has arranged a dinner for about 6 people. I won't get to see mutual friend otherwise. Before we went NC I had talked to the person I am NC with about said dinner and he said he couldn't go, so I since RSVP'd that I would go, safe in the knowledge that the other man would not be there. I was looking forward to it as well.

But ... of course I now see on the FB invite that he has obviously changed his plans and will go (he wouldn't have accepted the invite otherwise). So my dilemma is this: should I pull out?

I wanted to go and it might be a good chance to show my new self, but it hasn't been that long either and am terrified that he'll get back in my head or that something will happen that makes me feel bad and rejected and it will undo all of the progress I've made. Especially as it's such a small group.


NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Wed 06-Dec-17 08:32:33

I would go but I'd drunk very little so that you are completely in control. I'd also leave that little bit early too so again you are in control and saves the chance after dinner for awkward conversations. Could you be positioned so that he is at the far end of the table?

Iris65 Wed 06-Dec-17 08:35:01

Good advice from NK1.

Isetan Wed 06-Dec-17 09:28:08

If there’s a danger that you’ll regress, then don’t go.

Your concerns about his behaviour suggests that you’re not as far along the emotional detachment process as you want to be because if you were, his behaviour wouldn’t be such a concern.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody but you should prioritise behaviour and an environment, that gives you the greatest chance of success.

Isetan Wed 06-Dec-17 09:29:04

Sometimes getting off the merry go round is not enough, sometimes you need to leave the park.

PurpleAtlas Wed 06-Dec-17 09:45:02

It’s hard not knowing how it might go and it’s still early days - I still have a way to go yet and if I don’t see him at this dinner I am then going on holiday for a few weeks so will have key at least 2 months pass before I might bump into him again.

But then Nk has a point about not drinking. Hmm.

Am also suspicious about his plans changing knowing I’ll be there but it could be a coincidence as he’d like to see mutual friend too

meowimacat Wed 06-Dec-17 10:23:24

As someone in a very similar situation who recently saw NC person and it ruined me, I wouldn't go. I didn't even drink but the emotions all came back and it was awful. Nothing good can come of this, you won't be thinking about you friend you'll be focusing everything that night on this guy and then when the night is over no doubt he'll message and it will ruin everything.

Can you tell this friend you can't make the meal but can drop by and see them before?

HopingForSomeSnow Wed 06-Dec-17 13:54:58

Sometimes getting off the merry go round is not enough, sometimes you need to leave the park.
That's the best advice you will get!
It's only a meal, you'll gain very little from going but stand to lose a lot.

PurpleAtlas Wed 06-Dec-17 23:13:56

Thanks all. I’m erring toward not going. Best case scenario I’m fabulous and funny and charming and he’s left full of regret and what not but knowing how real life can work it’s just as likely to be unpleasant or upsetting. Or I am charmed again. It’s a hard decision though

Annelind Wed 06-Dec-17 23:19:25

Better not to go. I understand you want to say "look what you COULD have had!", but really, its not worth getting tangled up emotionally again.

Angelf1sh Thu 07-Dec-17 06:38:31

I wouldn’t go. I’d see your friend another time (earlier in the day? Visit them?) and explain why you can’t be around this person now. Hopefully they’ll ensure that you aren’t invited to the same events anymore.

ScruffbagsRUs Thu 07-Dec-17 07:32:07

I wouldn't go TBH, but it would be interesting to see if he back out because you've decided not to go.

PurpleAtlas Thu 07-Dec-17 09:42:45

it would be interesting to see if he back out because you've decided not to go

Him changing his mind to go is making me feel odd about the whole thing - I am suspicious about it.

Which says I care too much, which says I probably shouldn't go!

If I didn't go I think I'd pull out quietly though (just tell the mutual friend) so he wouldn't know until he turned up and I wasn't there.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: