I went NC with a man a few weeks ago that I had a very toxic, strange and co-dependent friendship with after realizing that he undermined my self esteem, rejected me, used me for support when his on/off relationship was 'off'and left me feeling generally rotten. It was really hard and I suffered at first but he is leaving my mind now and I can hand on heart say my life is better now he is not in it. It's still early days but the NC has been positive for me - I am even forgetting about him now I don't see him/hear from him which is nice. I've recently got to a peace of mind I wouldn't have thought possible a couple of months ago.
Neither of us have been in touch but I just know that he would have expected me to by now.
Problem is - we have a mutual friend returning to our town for one weekend only, and mutual friend has arranged a dinner for about 6 people. I won't get to see mutual friend otherwise. Before we went NC I had talked to the person I am NC with about said dinner and he said he couldn't go, so I since RSVP'd that I would go, safe in the knowledge that the other man would not be there. I was looking forward to it as well.
But ... of course I now see on the FB invite that he has obviously changed his plans and will go (he wouldn't have accepted the invite otherwise). So my dilemma is this: should I pull out?
I wanted to go and it might be a good chance to show my new self, but it hasn't been that long either and am terrified that he'll get back in my head or that something will happen that makes me feel bad and rejected and it will undo all of the progress I've made. Especially as it's such a small group.
I would go but I'd drunk very little so that you are completely in control. I'd also leave that little bit early too so again you are in control and saves the chance after dinner for awkward conversations. Could you be positioned so that he is at the far end of the table?
It’s hard not knowing how it might go and it’s still early days - I still have a way to go yet and if I don’t see him at this dinner I am then going on holiday for a few weeks so will have key at least 2 months pass before I might bump into him again.
But then Nk has a point about not drinking. Hmm.
Am also suspicious about his plans changing knowing I’ll be there but it could be a coincidence as he’d like to see mutual friend too
As someone in a very similar situation who recently saw NC person and it ruined me, I wouldn't go. I didn't even drink but the emotions all came back and it was awful. Nothing good can come of this, you won't be thinking about you friend you'll be focusing everything that night on this guy and then when the night is over no doubt he'll message and it will ruin everything.
Can you tell this friend you can't make the meal but can drop by and see them before?
Sometimes getting off the merry go round is not enough, sometimes you need to leave the park. That's the best advice you will get! It's only a meal, you'll gain very little from going but stand to lose a lot.
Thanks all. I’m erring toward not going. Best case scenario I’m fabulous and funny and charming and he’s left full of regret and what not but knowing how real life can work it’s just as likely to be unpleasant or upsetting. Or I am charmed again. It’s a hard decision though
I wouldn’t go. I’d see your friend another time (earlier in the day? Visit them?) and explain why you can’t be around this person now. Hopefully they’ll ensure that you aren’t invited to the same events anymore.