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If you have left an abusive relationship?

(22 Posts)
wankstainofamother Tue 05-Dec-17 22:38:56

Sorry I am very upset as I am typing this so it might not make much sense. I was in a marriage where I was effectively not allowed out so I have few social skills and neither does my child. What I am asking is that if you were in an abusive relationship how aware are the people around you of that? I took my child to something ages ago and they couldn't really sit still and I felt totally judged. It has taken me a few years to build up the courage to try again and my child's behaviour was a lot better but I still felt totally judged (by the same person) because it wasn't perfect. I became very upset and had to leave. In talking to this person 3 years ago I alluded to abuse by saying my child had not had the best start and she dismissed it by saying I was from a good family. I took her comment to mean that I could not possibly have been abused because she (wrongly) perceives me to be middle class.

The way I feel now is that it will take me another few years to build up to trying again. I wonder if this would be easier for me if people knew of our background.

The obvious thing would be to keep trying regularly but to do things but my confidence is shattered.

My child thinks they have done something to upset me but the things they did, they didn't know they weren't meant to do because we are both unused to being in that environment. Whereas with a normal upbringing they would be used to seeing people in various settings and would learn what the expectations are for each setting.

coldhead Tue 05-Dec-17 22:44:02

Children are often badly behaved! It doesn't mean they grew up in an abusive setting. Nor is it particularly unusual.

Try and be easier on yourself and your child, the person who judged you or your child clearly has their own issues, but that's not your problem. In the real world, children sometimes misbehave. No big deal.

wankstainofamother Tue 05-Dec-17 22:58:10

It wasn't even being badly behaved as such. It was just that they didn't know what was expected of them because they hadn't been in that environment for 3 years and then only once. So it was a bit like they had just been beamed in from Mars and I had omitted to explain stuff because it would be obvious to most people. They weren't evenue disruptive or anything. Just not perfect. Like they had no social skills, which they don't.

wankstainofamother Tue 05-Dec-17 23:05:35

It was actually another thread on here that inspired me to try again.

abbsisspartacus Tue 05-Dec-17 23:08:59

She was probably complimenting your parenting saying you come from a good family nothing about the remark you made says we were abused tbh

roconnell Tue 05-Dec-17 23:13:29

Your username makes me quite sad sad

wankstainofamother Tue 05-Dec-17 23:13:56

I can't remember the exact wording I used as it was 3 yrs ago but I thought I was clearer than that. It was during a discussion when she expressed surprise that a DV charity operates in our area as she says there is no abuse here. She was absolutely not being complimentary about my parenting as she has been very vocal in her criticism of it, but to other people, not me.

wankstainofamother Tue 05-Dec-17 23:15:24

I am though. 3 years to pluck up the courage and it went belly up again. Just to do a simple thing that other people manage every day.

Dillydallyontheway Tue 05-Dec-17 23:23:25

Another here that finds your user name sad. You deserve to treat yourself kindly, not calling yourself awful names. I know that low self esteem is often the result of this sort of relationship. The woman you mention sounds really ignorant as DV can (and does) happen in any area. So personally I wouldn't give any weight to anything she says as is clearly an idiot.

In answer to your question, those close to me know my history but I don't tell all my new friends etc unless I feel it's relevant and want to do so. I quite like that not everyone knows all my skeletons iyswim. I like that I can just be me, not poor me who was married to a horrible bully.

Lilliepixie Tue 05-Dec-17 23:26:16

If she honesty thinks that domestic abuse doesn't happen in 'good areas' then she is delusional.
She knows nothing, remember that.

It's hard to change your mindset. It takes time. I find it difficult to believe that people won't get irritated or impatient with me or situations( simple things like shopping or traffic)
Or that it's ok to ask someone to get a bag out of the car or help bring in the shopping.
How old is your child?

Mary1935 Wed 06-Dec-17 00:01:01

Yes your user name is not nice for you. I'm sure you are a good mother and are doing your very best. Don't let one person judge you harshly or maybe you felt judged by her which she never meant. Focus on how much courage it took you to get out. Don't retreat backwards -move forwards. Have you had or thought about counselling to build up your self esteem. Keep going - we only get one life and it isn't a dress rehearsal. Good luck x

pog100 Wed 06-Dec-17 00:13:41

OP please change your name, I will never call you that. Every word of your messages is evidence that you are trying your level best to be a great mother, with more perception than most manage! How long are you out of your abusive marriage? It does sound very extreme and will take a long time to get you and your child back in the stream of things. But you will!

category12 Wed 06-Dec-17 05:08:40

This woman obviously has no single clue about domestic violence and sounds unpleasantly judgey - who is she in relation to the activity?

Don't let one prat stop you from getting out and trying.

BrandNewHouse Wed 06-Dec-17 05:40:21

She is obviously a horrible person.

You must try to be kind to people- starting with you. Please be kind to you. If anyone described you using your user name you would reognise it as being so cruel.

You have escaped DV, don’t continue to grind yourself down, don’t speak to yourself in the horrifying way that he did.

We are here to help and support.

Atenco Wed 06-Dec-17 05:53:54

My dd had a horribly controlling bf. They went you for three years and lots of people thought she was stuck up because he would kick up a stink if she smiled at any male. But eventually it all came back to her.

Time to think positively about yourself and your child. Don't take other people's criticism of your child's behaviour so to heart, unfortunately lots of people love to criticise other people's children, it makes them feel good about their own parenting.

Balearica Wed 06-Dec-17 07:40:26

Having spent years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship before we divorced five years ago, I'd say the most important thing now for you and your DC is to concentrate on getting to a point where you are both happy and stable and believe in your own judgment again (believe me I know how hard that is).

It really does not matter what other people think of you and particularly someone who seems as blinkered as the person you mention. You know what you believe is acceptable, work to that.

Personally I'd say don't talk to other people about the abuse unless they are very close friends who you trust implicitly, IME lots of people are very shallow and would just enjoy the drama and the gossip. Just focus on building yourself the life you want and becoming the person you want to be,

wankstainofamother Wed 06-Dec-17 07:43:46

I think it is that this was such a normal thing to do yet we have never done it. They expectation would be that we would be used to this sort of setting so it looks like I never taught my child how to behave when in fact we never had that opportunity to put things into practice.

GertrudeCB Wed 06-Dec-17 08:03:15

Op the person who spoke to you is very ignorant if they think that dv is confined to any social group.angry
Please change your username, the very fact that you are worried about your DC and have taken the incredibly brave step of leaving an abusive relationship shows that you are a good mum flowers

TammySwansonTwo Wed 06-Dec-17 08:10:14

Lovely lady, what happened to you is not your fault - stop beating yourself up.

The best thing you can do is get yourself and your child out there so you can both learn the conventions youre talking about. Encourage your child to watch other people and see what they do. Do these things in settings without this particular idiot around for a while. All kids have to learn how to behave in different settings (e.g. Sitting quietly in a theatre, clapping at the end etc) and the only way to learn these things is to do them. You can do this. And you are not your username, or this wouldn't bother you at all. flowers

wankstainofamother Wed 06-Dec-17 08:28:15

I have been crying all night and it is obvious I have been. Can't wear sunglasses because it is raining.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 06-Dec-17 09:27:52

You are totally allowed to cry.
Dab some cold water on your eyes.
Bit of make up and hold your head up high.
Please try not worry about judgey people.
There are many of them in the world and you will come across them throughout your life.
The trick is to try not to take offence. In fact you should feel sorry for them, that they are so ignorant to what goes on in the world.
You need to keep doing different things. Hard as it may be.
That is the only way to help your DD build her social skills.
I'm assuming you had support from a DV organisation.
Did you ever do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.
Look into it if not.
I've honestly no idea what this must be like.
But there will be many others who can help you with all this.
Well done on getting out of the relationship.
Take all this at your own pace and that of your DD.

bibliomania Wed 06-Dec-17 09:53:06

The thing about abusive relationships is that they train you to bring that negative critical voice right inside your head. Don't replace the abuser's voice with the voice of this horrible cow. It's sounds like it's only this one person who is making you lose confidence, is that right? Fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

You have to work hard to replace the negative voice with a voice that is kind to yourself and to your child. Look how brave you are, look how far you've come, look how you're taking your steps out into the sunshine! (Metaphorical sunshine given the time of year, but you know what I mean).

I'd definitely look into some kind of counselling/coaching if you can, but also look at some self-help material (might be in your local library or online). CBT isn't for all situations, but it sounds like it might be right for your situation.

There's also a bit of "fake it till you make it". There's a quote from a preacher to former American slaves: "We ain't what we wanna be. We ain't what we gonna be. But, thank God, we ain't what we was."

You're on a journey and you've come a long way. Be kind to yourself. You'll get there.

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