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No Strings Sex - can it ever work?

(28 Posts)
Templeofdoom1974 Tue 05-Dec-17 16:35:54

Currently in a NSA situation. Except I’m developing feelings and it’s clear he isn’t. It’s stressing me out. It’s been going on for three months and I’ve called time on it. Anyone done it and managed to keep it emotion free?

Cctv923 Tue 05-Dec-17 16:44:31

It's not easy is it! You did the right thing ending it

NoelNiki Tue 05-Dec-17 16:45:45

Yes. BUT only when we met very infrequently and didnt talk much between.

If you see each other lots it begins to feel like a relationship.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 05-Dec-17 16:46:15

It already sounds as though "emotion free" is not possible for you with this person.

I'm sure some people can manage a FWB relationship without falling for one another, but if I'm honest I probably couldn't!

Templeofdoom1974 Tue 05-Dec-17 16:50:29

Yes it’s tough. I’m upset with myself but then it is a very intimate act so not surprising. I haven’t told him, I just ended it and told him it was due to work commitments blush

RebelRogue Tue 05-Dec-17 17:40:34

It can, but it's not for everyone.
I've had a few when younger,purely based on need.

The right thing to do when you start developing feelings that you know are unreturned, is to cut contact. So well done on that.
Maybe FWB type scenarios are not for you,and that's ok.

pudding21 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:13:49

I have been seeing someone for a while now, haven't defined what we are, but he made it clear in the begining he wasn't the kind of guy to be in a long term committed relationship. It was quite intense, we had been seeing each other a lot, and when we are together he is lovely, and interested in chatting (although we spend a lot of time in the bedroom as the sex is very good). Recently he has been super busy, so we have seen each other less. I was starting to feel like I was falling for him.

BUT he is so bad at communicating and I feel now he is only really interested in the physical side. One example, on Friday i bought and completed on a house, huuuuuuge step for me, so I asked if he wanted to go see it and he said when its finished. It won't be finished till late spring, early summer. He said, well "late summer,early spring it is then". My new house is near where he lives, so its not like he would need to make a special trip. I have gone back to feeling he has no interest in my life, whats important to me. He isn't remotely materialistic, and I know this isn't his bag, but its the lack of interest that has made me realise this won't develop any further.

So now I have to decide whether to continue now with my eyes open and risk developing more feelings, or stop.

The sex is good though.....did I already say that? ;)

AnyFucker Tue 05-Dec-17 18:16:32

In your case, obviously not

What was the question again ?

Templeofdoom1974 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:19:19

Yes. I need to be strong and not contact him. I know it’s only going to end in tears (for me). I’m not doing it again. I was initially like ‘yeah I’m being all cool and edgy’ now I’m just a blubbering mess blush

Templeofdoom1974 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:22:33

pudding21 I would stop now. I should have stopped ages ago.

AnyFucker Tue 05-Dec-17 18:22:44

You answered your own question

Templeofdoom1974 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:26:19

I’m genuinely interested to know if anyone has sustained one long term...

AnyFucker Tue 05-Dec-17 18:27:13

Of course there will be, Temple

But how does that apply in your situation ?

JustAnIdiot Tue 05-Dec-17 18:28:12

In my youth I often had NSA arrangements with one or more men (not as a threesome, just two on the go at a time - they were housemates - it got a bit awkward shock) while not in a regular relationship. I've always been able to separate sex from love without much difficulty.

FF 30 years - I'm now in a sexless marriage & have started seeing someone just for sex. I've known him for getting on for 20 years & there is no way we want an actual relationship with each other.

We'll only be able to meet up 4-5 times a year & little chance to communicate in between, which suits me perfectly. He lives many miles from me.

NarcsBegone Tue 05-Dec-17 22:33:03

It is possible to sustain a fuck buddy long term. I had one for 20 odd years but we were always 'off' when in relationships (although I suspect he was never faithful in most of his relationships, I was though while in mine) we cared about each other a lot but we never went out together or did any relationship type stuff other than cuddles, chatting a bit (not loads though) about what was going on in our lives and of course amazing, intense sex. IMO if you're having sex with someone, going out together and sleeping the night it's more of a relationship and not NSA. He is currently off in a relationship and has been for a year now, this one seems serious and I really hope it works out for him... I do miss the sex but I'm not looking for a new person as it has taken years to be as cool as we are, there's a lot of history and not all sexual as we did have a bond. You have done the right thing to walk away if you're feeling more than he is.

userxx Tue 05-Dec-17 22:57:58

Didn't work for me, can't help but feel attached to the man I'm sleeping with.

Mum4Fergus Tue 05-Dec-17 23:12:45

I did, yes. First got together around 2005, we did a FWB thing for about 2 years meeting up 2-3 times a month. I then moved away with work and met DS Dad and had DS. When he and I split up, FWB and I started seeing each other again, same basis as before. Went on for about a year that time round then he went away with work.

Aminuts23 Wed 06-Dec-17 00:16:48

I think it can work but for me it’s been more possible when I’m older, more cynical and better able to separate sex from a ‘relationship’. When I was younger I struggled with it as feelings would get in the way. Now I’ve been through so much I find it easier not to have the emotional investment.

pharp Wed 06-Dec-17 00:25:25

Only with someone you don't like very much in my experience.

TheNaze73 Wed 06-Dec-17 07:40:58

Yes, I think FWB can work.

trappedinsuburbia Wed 06-Dec-17 08:33:48

I have many many years ago, it worked for me but not for the man involved, he got very attached and I had to end it, it ended up quite messy so really put me off this type of thing, I have no wish to hurt someone.

PoorYorick Wed 06-Dec-17 08:36:13

It can, but if you have to ask then it's not working for you.

TammySwansonTwo Wed 06-Dec-17 11:04:47

I'm wondering if it's a hormone level thing - there's a reason your brain produces bonding and loving hormones after sex, and I wonder if some people just produce less of them than others. I've seen a lot of people having to fight very hard to ignore or overcome their natural bonding instincts in order to conduct this sort of arrangement (which seems foolish to me) but then I know people who can do this quite happily. Unfortunately those people often tend to have difficulties maintaining more involved relationships too.

I can't have no strings sex and I learnt that pretty young - I've never wanted someone just for sex anyway so that's fine! I much prefer sex when I'm in a proper relationship.

Isetan Wed 06-Dec-17 12:49:49

There's nothing edgy about FWB set ups, it's either your thing or it isn't. Why do you want to hear about FWB successes if it appears it isn't your thing?

Ratonastick Wed 06-Dec-17 14:55:18

I’ve mixed views. I have a FWB pal which has been going for nearly 20 years. The sex is utterly mind blowing, but only because it is mad crazy stranger sex with someone who knows your hot buttons. We’re also great friends and have, somehow, always managed to keep the two sides of our relationship separate. BUT I have always thought about it from my emotional perspective and rather disregarded his. I’ve wondered about a proper relationship and fallen a bit in love, but when I have mentioned it he gets serious about reasons why he is bad for me. Now he is in a serious relationship with another partner he has turned himself a bit inside out with guilt about the last time we shagged whereas he has previously been very cavalier. I also find myself thinking about new potential partners as possible FWBs rather than proper relationships as it seems easier and less complicated, even though I know it isn’t.

All in all, I think it has been physical fun but ultimately we have been deluding ourselves about it being harmless. I think it may have harmed both of us emotionally.

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