I hate my new life as a mum to be

[darkstarriesky]

So here is my situation, I am 30 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and it’s not been very easy.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I felt really pleased and excited, although I’m not sure why – I think it’s because I just really had no clue what any of this actually involved, I thought I’d have a fuss made at work, have a lovely time off on maternity leave and it would all be great. I can’t believe how naïve I was.

To start with, I was ill. I’ve never really been ill before but I just couldn’t stop being sick and I think it was then I started feeling quite bad about everything. I had a lot of time off work because of the sickness but even though I wasn’t well enough to go to work I started realising how long the days are and how isolated and weird I felt. I can’t describe it, I just felt like everything was bad. In the summer I said to my husband I thought I wasn’t sure about it but he got really upset/angry, saying he couldn’t believe I said that. I think I was quiet as I thought it was taboo in a way. Anyway he was excited by it and I went along with it and there were times I was happy, bought a couple of cute outfits and toys.

But I’ve never felt so ill. Didn’t enjoy anything this summer because of it. That was when I think the reality hit me, I was thinking, is my life going to be like this, not able to do this and not able to do that, and I don’t know, just didn’t feel happy or pleased or any of the things pregnant women are supposed to feel.

Now, I don’t know, the baby is due in February and I have never felt more depressed about anything in my life. I’m terrified of giving birth but I feel like everyone just sort of brushes it off and says I won't mind about the pain when the baby gets here, and maybe I wouldn't if I wanted the baby but I don't. Sleepless nights and everything and it's all fine if you want the child but what if you don't and you just can't love him?

I feel awful about it all but I suppose I've no choice but to plough on.

I don't know why I'm posting but I have to talk to someone, anyone.

[Bluerose27]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really tough. Have you considered going to your GP to talk things through? I am not a medical professional but could you have ante natal depression?
It's awful to feel so down and it's really important to seek professional help at times like this

[itusedtobeverydifferent]

I too was going to suggest you see a gp. Antenatal depression is very real and also more common that you might realise. Sorry you're feeling like this.

[chocolateorangeowls]

I HATED being pregnant. Was horribly sick from 6 weeks onwards, lost weight as I couldn’t eat anything. Didn’t like the feeling of the baby moving inside me. Couldn’t sleep between 3am and 7am every morning 🤦‍♀️ and couldn’t ever get comfortable. I was terrified about giving birth - I am terrible with pain.

You would think the thing I was happiest about after giving birth was having my baby here, nope, I was most excited about being able to sleep on my front again. I was just so happy not to be pregnant anymore.

People talk about the amazing rush of feelings you have for your baby straight away. I didn’t get that either. It wasn’t until about 6 weeks old that I realised how much I loved her. Until that point I was just existing and getting through it the best I could.

BUT it gets so much better after a few months in. I joined baby groups from when she was 6 weeks old - it was so nice to be out of the house and seeing other people. We do something now nearly every day of the week and I’ve made some really lovely friends at these groups who are going through exactly the same. My little girl started smiling at me at 6 weeks old and for me that was when everything started to get better. I felt like I could connect with her and between then and now (she’s 7 months old) it has been amazing to watch her little personality grow. It’s not all been sunshine and roses but I’m actually enjoying it now instead of wishing for my old life back.

I’m hoping my post has helped and not made it worse, just want you to know you aren’t alone in feeling like that. I’d also recommend having a chat with your midwife about how you are feeling. Mine were brilliant and so supportive.

[chocolateorangeowls]

I had also had a MMC in my first pregnancy at 10 weeks (where I hadn’t felt sick or ill at all) so spent the entire pregnancy feeling guilty about not being happy that I was pregnant.

[fc301]

Be kind to yourself. Everything is changing and you will be able to ADAPT.
The sickness thing is awful and so debilitating, as is pregnancy.
Be honest about needing help.
Eat well, get lots of rest.
Arrange time that will be just for you, eg, yoga, gym, bath! Make sure DP understands that you must have this time.
Don't aim to be a perfect parent and don't assume everyone else is too. You & DP will find your own ways & routines that suit you.

[Chaosofcalm]

Depression in pregnancy is more common than PND. Go and speak to your GP.

[revelsandrose]

If you are feeling very ill and tired has your gp prescribed anti sickness medication? I hate being pregnant, I felt achey sick and fat. Also I had a vitamin d deficiency and once I started to take the vitamin d I felt so much better. I also had ante natal depression in my second pregnancy and felt pretty much like you, my subsequent pregnancy I took anti depressants and felt much much better.

Hope you can get something to help, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this

[mindutopia]

I think what you're experiencing sounds like it might be antenatal depression, which is quite common. Go speak to your midwife or your GP about it or your HV when they come around to see you for the first time, which should be any day now.

I think you're also just coming to realise that the myth of parenthood is not anything like the reality. That doesn't hit some people until later. It's, as you say, not all being made a fuss of and time off and cute outfits, which is unfortunately how being a mother is often portrayed in our culture. Most people have a hard time acknowledging the reality is far from that and so don't talk about it with anyone. Most women aren't just out there basking in the glow of pregnancy (or early motherhood either for that matter). It's hard and tiring and you're sore and it's not very glamorous. You're not feeling that differently from how anyone else is feeling really in that sense and you should know that and not think you're somehow getting it wrong.

The good thing is you won't feel ill when baby is here and compared to other things which are hard, giving birth really isn't a big deal for most people (personally I didn't find it especially difficult or painful) and you won't have the aches and pains of pregnancy to deal with. But having a child together does change a lot and you are wise to get yourself as well as you possibly can and surround yourself with as much support as you can now. Reach out and ask for help and make sure you are feeling as good as you can be before baby comes. It really will make a huge difference. You'll be amazed how much better you can feel with the right support and care.

[Blueskyrain]

I hated pregnancy with a passion and was ill for most of it. I wasn't excited about having a baby and felt daunted and like you, worried how I'd cope if I didn't bond.

It took about 20 seconds after the birth to realise it was all worth it, about 10 seconds after that to realise bond wouldn't be an issue, and by two hours, I'd changed my mind about her being a definite only child.

Not everyone feels like that, and for some people it does take time, but a hard pregnancy doesn't mean you'll necessarily find motherhood hard. Tbh, pregnancy was so awful that parenting was (and is) brilliant in comparison. Also, you will get the weird hormones that help driven you to look after your child and love him/her, and they can be pretty powerful.

It may be helpful for you to go and see someone, but you can't know how you'll find things in 6 months time now. All you know is that you hate pregnancy, which is often very understandable.

[endthefarts]

Go and have some counselling - go private because if you go through the NHS you won't get an appointment until after the baby is here. It will really help your mindset.

For what it's worth, I hated every minute of pregnancy. Like you, I felt so ill from start to finish and I had a
Lot of problems at work because of it. I dreaded giving birth. I had terrible PND for a year after the baby was born, but it does get better. Speak to your GP - they'll put a note on your file so that at the first sign of PND after the birth they'll put you on antidepressants straight away and if it's really bad they can even sort out daily visits from the crisis team or extra health visitor support until you're ok, but you have to go and tell them how you're feeling now to make sure it's all in place.

[Fairylea]

I had very similar feelings during both my pregnancies (10 year gap in the middle)! It’s actually a lot more common to feel the way you do than you’d think, people just don’t admit it. If you’ve had a really crap pregnancy with lots of sickness and discomfort it’s surely normal to feel apprehensive and worried about it all and what life is going to be like. I would say it would be weird to be full of the joys of spring!

I think at this stage it’s impossible to know how you’re going to feel when the baby is actually here. You might find that without the horrors of pregnancy hormones and the physical difficulties that you bond amazingly with the baby and enjoy every second (as I did with my son) or you might continue to feel depressed and need extra help for post natal depression (as I did with my daughter). I think I would speak to your health visitor and gp about your worries now and make sure they can give you extra support. There are things you can do to treat ante natal and post natal depression.

Being a first time mum is such a huge wake up all, it’s norhing like the glowing images you see out there in the pregnancy books and that alone is enough to make anyone feel sresssed and depressed! Be kind to yourself.

[mumoseven]

I went to see my gp during one of my pregnancies and told him I was going to leave the baby at the hospital after the birth. I couldn't see how I could possibly manage any of it, i was tired super stressed unhappy and very depressed. He found me an appointment with a mental health team that very afternoon.

[Ceto]

I remember that moment hitting me when I realised that I could no longer decide how to spend my time and feeling like it was going to go on for ever. But as time went on I just adjusted and realised that there were compensations; I'm not the most maternal of people but, especially as my children grew up, I realised that spending time with them could be just as much fun. And now I'm able to decide how to organise my time again and realise that, actually, that period when I couldn't was neither so long nor so dreadful as I thought when it was starting.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Hugs to you. What you're talking about may be taboo but it's also far more common than anyone lets on.

I got pregnant almost 2 years ago. From almost the point I found out, I was ill. I already have endometriosis and ME and the first few months were so horrendous physically - such bad nausea I couldn't eat, such awful fatigue I could lift my head off the pillow some days, awful insomnia too. The few people who knew thought I was being dramatic. Turns out I was having twins and my hormone levels were doubled hence the extra symptoms - I'm used to feeling ill but this was another level.

I was given medication to help but then almost immediately SPD kicked in and I was in agony. Couldn't walk. Started having violent Braxton hicks early and thanks to the fact it was twins I was enormous and struggling to move. By this point it was summer and I just wanted it to go away.

When I went to scans, everyone was cooing but I felt nothing at all - like I was watching a video of someone else's scan, it didn't feel connected to me at all. When they kicked it didn't really seem like it was a baby. My brain wouldn't process it.

I had awful birth phobia and started having specialist counselling about 26 weeks. This helped massively. I chose to have an elective c section but ended up needing an emergency section. My boys were both very unwell, one more than the other, and both in nicu - I didn't bond with them properly at all in the beginning as we were separated so much and I couldn't hold them. We weren't all home properly together for 3 months and to be honest the few months after that are a complete blur. But my god do I love my boys now - they're almost 15mo and insanely hard work but they are my whole world. Being a mum is hard but amazing. I wouldn't change it for anything now but this time last year I was a mess.

Please speak to your midwife. Call her this morning and please be completely honest about how you're feeling. This is a symptom of an illness, no different from the sickness, your body's response to the hormones. It's nothing to be ashamed of, I promise you.

I now work part time within my local maternity service and I promise you, everyone I work with is desperate to get to and help people in your positions. There's no shame in it, they desperately want to help, I promise you! Your midwife can get you some urgent support since you are so far along - the form that takes depends where you are but may well be a referral to the perinatal mental health team. They can offer you so much help and support through the rest of your pregnancy and your first year as a mum - I promise you, they see this every single day and will not judge you.

You may be able to get counselling quickly for the birth phobia, I was seen within five days. How severe is this? Have you spoken to your midwife about your options for places to give birth and pain relief? My local has a lovely alongside unit where the rooms are lovely and some have pools, and they're midwife led so don't feel medical at all, but it's on the site of the maternity hospital so they're right there in case you decide you need an epidural or you need more medical help. Maternal request c sections are an option if that's what you feel you need but i would strongly suggest talking all this through with a professional so they can help you sort out what it is you fear. For many women it's pain, which can absolutely be managed with pain relief, water etc. For me it was related to trauma and I don't think I could have gotten past it.

If your midwife is not helpful, please contact the head midwife at your local hospital. I absolutely promise you, they want to help you. You won't be a nuisance. One of the things we talk about regularly is how to find those women who are struggling with antenatal depression and help them as often women play it down.

Please call your midwife this morning and say you need to see someone urgently. I promise you will feel better when you get all this out and start getting help. There's still plenty of time to help you if you start this process now, I promise.

[DeltaG]

OP,

You sound like me in my first pregnancy. I had HG until 7 months and became very down about the whole thing. I went on to develop PND and looking back, my psychiatrist (not in UK so not dealt with by GP) thinks that the depression started in pregnancy.

I'm now 33 weeks with DS2 and again have had HG until recently. This time I was put on antidepressants as soon as I started vomiting and have just tapered off them. They've helped enormously and whilst they of course didn't do anything to change the sickness, they did help my mood and how I coped with the situation.

Having pre-natal depression is a big risk factor for going on to develop PND, so if I were you, I'd make an appointment to see your doctor and talk it over. I took Sertraline both times, which is considered safe in pregnancy & BF.

Good luck!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I know how you feel.
It's truly awful.
I was sick all the way through pregnancy.
At 6 months pregnant people were congratulating on my weight loss!
Birth was hideous but I got through it.
Long labour EMC.
But when my DD was here all was OK with the world.
I realised early on that I'm not maternal. Not a bit.
I stuck with one child as I really didn't want anymore.
I went back to work after 3 months as I wanted to get me and my life back.
I would literally die for my DD.
You will get there. And when the baby is here you may feel differently.
You may not, but you tackle that when it happens.
As others have said, get to your GP and tell them what you've told us.
Don't feel pressured to be a SAHM if that's not what you want.
But I don't think you'll know until the baby is here.
(((((HUGS)))))

[Babyblues052]

I had a horrible time when I was pregnant. I found it traumatic (not an over exaggeration) I hated being pregnant and I mean hated it! Everything about it. I was very Ill, had bleeds, many hospital visits, hospital stays, getting signed off work, the list goes on. It was awful. I also was terrified of giving birth. The pain is what I was scared of. I also had doubts if I wanted the baby, things were really difficult BUT as my pregnancy progressed I realised I wanted my baby more than anything. I'm saying all this because although I had doubts and my pregnancy was difficult I came to the realisation that it is all worth it. You haven't come to that realisation yet.

I agree I really think you should speak to your gp because when that baby comes things are really hard in the first couple of months. Between no sleep and recovering (which for me took months). I dont want to freak you out but if you don't know if you want your baby or you're depressed if you don't try and get help then things will be a hell of a lot worse for you when your baby gets here. It would be horrible for you to resent your baby and your dh, it'll be easier to get help now.
There is tons of help for pregnant women, please tell a professional how you feel even your midwife. They want to help you. And it sounds like you deserve a break, these feelings are so horrible and can make you feel like a shitty person but you're not, pregnancy is tough.

[darkstarriesky]

Thanks, I appreciate your replies.

I guess the G.P. is a good starting point then ... don’t really like the midwives!

[wasMissD]

I hated pregnancy. I had hypremesis and PGP, dreaded labour as I have health anxiety. I kept thinking that I'd lose my identity, my free time, my sanity! Thought I'd be a terrible mum as I'm too selfish with my time and patience (and sleep).
Then 4 months ago, my son came along. We had a straightforward birth luckily. It DOES hurt but it is true what they say- you do forget.
And now my son is here, I love my life with him. I'd happily sacrifice anything for him, especially my time. It's hard work, but it's so so rewarding, and the good far outweighs the bad. His smile and gurgling when he wakes up at 6am makes me happy! I never thought being woken at that time would.
I get how you're feeling OP. I'm sure you'll be in awe of your little person when they arrive. Lots of luck with it.

[dede124]

I could of written this post! I hated being pregnant I woke up every single morning with a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I hardly had any sickness at all but my anxiety was through the roof I found anything and everything to worry about and like you said I was worried about birth and if I wasn't going to love my baby. I didn't bond with my bump or get any nesting urges and I would literally fake how happy I was when people said 'how exciting' and 'I bet you can't wait' which makes you feel worse by the way because there are all these expectations to how you 'should' feel but it's not reality for everyone!

My baby is now 7 weeks old and I love her to bits. I wouldn't say all my worries and anxieties have gone out the window but the build up pressure leading up to birth is off my shoulders if that makes sense.

I really understand how you feel Mumsnet was a lifesaver for me when you need advice or just to hear from someone who has gone through similar. X

[codswallopandbalderdash]

I was very very sick during my pregnancy until 16-17 weeks and it took a lot out of me, then i got other complaints/ issues. And I needed lots of medical appointments and it became so hard trying to balance work (stressful job) and all the conflicting demands on me. I was worn out to be honest. And medical professionals didn't listen and were v quick to label me as having antenatal depression, which I didn't actually have. I found it really patronising and it felt like I wasn't allowed to have a job/identity any more It all got better for me when I started mat leave and I could concentrate on looking after me and the baby. Best advice I got was from friends.

[Chocolatefudgecake100]

100% antenatal depression i had this too its awful please speak to midwife and doc ur perfectly normal