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Emotional affair with his ex girlfriend? (And work colleague)

(82 Posts)
Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 12:58:12

There is so much to read, so sorry in advance..

So I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have always had a great relationship, we also live together. I have no reason to believe he would physically cheat on me, however his ex girlfriend has now begun working with him in the same department (they have always worked at the same company but just different departments). Although they work together they dont actually work physically with each other. They are IT guys and work in separate places but communicate online/by phone to help each other with problems etc. So recently they have had to communicate with each other, which is fine! But now its starting to overstep the line (in my opinion).
I have noticed he talks to her in the evenings because I have caught him shutting down whatsapp when i look over his shoulder and I've also seen that he talks to her on weekends (because I looked at his phone yesterday..but I'll get to that in a minute).
He has always said to me that they only talk about work which would be fine! But he has been lying about that part for sure. I know this because he told me that she was thinking about breaking up with her own bf (which she has now done) and that kind of stuff is not work based, is it?
Its also worrying because she quite clearly wants him back. I know this, for one, the bf has told me she has voiced how she regrets she ruined their relationship. Secondly, she doesn't even want me to exist! She doesn't even know me but she has blocked me on every single social media site possible! Haha!
I have quite clearly voiced my concerns to him before.. that he continues to message her loads and is giving her the attention she wants (leading her on as well as upsetting me), and he got really angry that I brought it up! Although he did seem to be understanding in the end.
Now the reason I'm worrying more-so now is because a month back or so, I was using his phone for some reason and his step dad messaged and he asked me to message him back cause he was driving. Now usually I can see her name pop up on whatsapp because they talk every day, but this time...the messages had gone! He had archived the chat! I spoke to him about this and he said he deleted messages because they were talking about things "i wouldnt have liked"....what!? So since then I have been unusually paranoid and have even gone to the extent of checking his phone last night. I am not proud of this, this isn't something I would usually do. But I did it.
Anyway, I noticed that messages had been flowing through evenings and weekends! They aren't romantic messages but very friendly. I spent all day with him Saturday, even took him on a date night, and I find they were messaging the whole day!!?? If it was pure friendship he would surely mention what a lovely day he was having with me...but nothing, just all about them two. It also must have been very secretive because I didnt even see him use his phone during the day, so must have been quickly messaging when my back was turned! I even noticed he had sent a selfie of him a few days ago, showing off his newly grown beard (which she was very complimentary of). So yeah, definitely just a working relationship then.
Now I know I need to confront him about this, but I am hugely in the wrong for looking at his phone in the first place!? What do I do!?
I know I cant be angry about a friendship.. but since I know they started as friends before they got together last time, how do I know he wont go back there! I'm starting to lose trust because of all the secretiveness. I 100% know he is not having physical affair but surely he is the crossing the line of an emotional affair? He hardly talks to me about his day anymore because he is putting all of his energy into talking to her all the time! Help me! I need advice and opinions.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Dec-17 13:46:00

Is the house mortgaged or rented?
And this is NOT OK by the way.
You do not have to be the cool girlfriend.
You need to challenge him on this.
Confront it head on.
In this situation I would want him to get another job away from her.
This will escalate.
But you can't trust him anyway.
He lies to you about all of this.
No trust = no relationship.
You might be better off out of it!?

deai Tue 05-Dec-17 13:52:26

That's not on at all really is it? If he claims they're just mates and its all innocent etc, ask him which of his male friends he spends entire days messaging and sending selfies to then during as its apparently what friends do

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 13:56:47

Its his mortgage so I can leave any time without consequences which is fab. Its just annoying cause I've moved my whole life up here for him. Moved away from family and friends. If I leave him, I also have to leave this new life I've just built for myself, I've even just got a new full time job :/.
The only reason I know he wont physically cheat on me, is because the other girl looks so gross (which is horrible i know). Im not an arrogant person, but genuinely, I honestly feel that if his ex looked different, he would much rather be with her. Because when I looked at the messages, they talk about all their interests, and we dont have as much in common as they do :/ He has even tried to get me into things she likes! Literally I didnt realise at the time, but we have been listening to this band for ages and we went to go see them at a gig last week, turns out, thats one of their fave bands they listen to together, not to mention she was also at the same gig!
I think he likes my looks but her personality.
Hilariously its not even a sex thing cause I've always been the one to initiate throughout our entire relationship.
Maybe I'm just a better face to bring to the family. His family hates this ex. Im tempted to tell his family what he's doing...but thats not my place.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 13:58:17

Yeah I want to say all this to him, deai, but Im the one thats been snooping through his phone! how do I come out of this without looking like the pscyho gf?

Youngmystery Tue 05-Dec-17 14:00:54

I am sorry but it sounds like she is slowly working her way back into his life, guessing she doesn't like being single and he's loving the attention. Maybe he doesn't want her, maybe he does. You'll have to ask him.

My boyfriends ex tried to do this recently. She was single, not finding anyone and so took to messaging him, asking to meet up and stuff. He very rarely replied though and never met up with her. I told him to just block her since she had no reason to be talking to him and I think she was still struggling to get over the fact he'd move on, so a clean break would be better. He didn't care and blocked her on everything, but she means nothing to him anymore.

If he won't block her, I'd guess he wants more and would dump him to be honest.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:05:29

Yeah she is 100% trying to get back into his life, thats obvious. And i agree, I think the only reason he is messaging her back is cause he loves all the attention. Guys are dicks like that, but still, I'm not gonna stand for it!

The tricky part is, they cant stop all contact because they have to work together! and what makes it worse, is that in the new year, they have to physically work with each other for 2 months because he has to train her up since he is having a promotion. So zero communication is off the cards.

However they havent been working together the last week or so because he has had to go away and do some other work in another department...but they are still messaging...

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Dec-17 14:07:20

Looks means sweet FA in this kind of situation.
I look far better than the woman (well women) my ExP had an affair with.
In fact, people call her 'the unit'
It's about attraction and more often than not, that's often personality.
Just look at all the women with men that look 'not so great'
Or it's about sex and a lot of men don't really care about the face, it's what some women are prepared to do that counts!

K0729P Tue 05-Dec-17 14:12:49

Either he tells her he isn't interested in a relationship with her any more or if I was you I'd be gone. Especially if they are meant to be working next to each for the next few months.

He should block her on Whatsapp and keep comms to work only. Whether this would happen or not is debatable. I'd be considering leaving if I was in your position.

VioletHaze Tue 05-Dec-17 14:16:43

So, I'm definitely on the "cool wife" end of the spectrum but this would bother me. She's blocked you, she's sending out signs she's not ok with your relationship, and he's best friends with her? I'd also be really bothered by him preferring your looks but her personality.

What is it in this relationship that is good, that you value? Because it sounds not great.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:17:35

Oh seriously :'( he was so embarrassed to even admit they had sex and hardly told anyone they were in a surely he wouldnt want to go back to that.
Surely cant be sex. He's just not a horny guy, Ive always been the one to initiate and start things off and thats how its been the whole way through the relationship before the ex resurfaced.

FinallyHere Tue 05-Dec-17 14:20:11

Sorry to hear you are having to cope with all this, Anxiety but thinking about

If I leave him, I also have to leave this new life I've just built for myself, I've even just got a new full time job

What is there to stop you getting your own place, so that you can continue your new life without staying in his place? If he wants to be in your life, make him work for it, not disregard your feelings while he enjoys the ego boost of a close relationship with an ex. Sounds like she chose to break up with him, and bow she wants him back. Even if he really wants to be with you, sounds as if he is enjoying this ego boost and has admitted that at least some of his communications would not be OK with you.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:22:29

This is all so shit isn't it :'(
Its just weird. If i hadnt had looked at his phone, I would never have known! Because in all other areas he is so loving and charming and giving me a load of attention..theres not many guys out there that help you clean and cook and compliment you all the time and tries to do little surprises for me!
Like he really tries in every thing else which is why im finding it so hard of the idea of leaving him because everything else is great!
But I will leave him if he doesnt change.

Yeah K0729P, I said that to him in the last discussion we had over this, talk about work and thats that...and nothing changed sad

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:24:23

Hey FinallyHere,

Thats very true thankyou! In actual fact he left her...essentially for me! Which is why Im not definitely sure he wants her back, because surely he just wouldnt have broken up with her in the first place otherwise...Or he just realised im a shit girlfriend :/

whiskyowl Tue 05-Dec-17 14:26:50

Wow, you've got a right catch here.

He's constantly and secretively messaging his ex, screwing you over. He loves her personality, but is ashamed of how she looks to the point he didn't tell anyone they were in a relationship.


Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:28:18

Yeah, in a nutshell! (nervously laughs)

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:35:27

Besides anything else, your boyfriends attitude to his ex while they were together sounds repulsive.
You sound terribly young, is this really the man you want to tether yourself to for the rest of your life? He's a sneaky liar and he's sniffing around other women. Set your bar a little higher.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:36:06

So, how do I start this conversation with him, without revealing I got all this info from snooping on his phone?

Youngmystery Tue 05-Dec-17 14:37:41

I'd dump him based on what else you've said. He's a coward. And he isn't going to stop speaking to her, she's his dirty little secret basically.

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:41:15

I still want to talk to him about this first though. Maybe I'm blinded because Im clearly in love with him..
But I genuinely think that maybe he does want to just be friends with her but has taken it too far and not realised how inappropriate he's being..think there is a chance it could be this?

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:41:16

It depends entirely on the nature of the conversation you wish to have and thereafter on the result you wish to achieve.
If you want to end the relationship, you need no reason, other than perhaps to tell him he's untrustworthy. If you feel you want to try and save the relationship, you're better just to say you snooped. What's worse, snooping or being deceitful?

Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:41:57

Thankyou guys for replying and helping me btw

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:42:08

X-posted. There's v little chance it's that, but you must do what you feel is right.

TurnipCake Tue 05-Dec-17 14:42:36

He's revelling in it

He has the ex who he's loving the attention from, he gets to go home and play house with you every night. The only inconvenient thing is that you've found out.


Anxiety100 Tue 05-Dec-17 14:43:28

Maybe I should just come clean and say I snooped :/ but then surely he would lose all trust in me? And also he would just end up being extra careful and deleting everything and then I would never ever know! haha

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