I'm a terrible wife

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

It's just hit me after an argument with DH that I am actually a terrible wife.

I always had this vision of my life in my head, I thought by now I would be a SAHM with 3+ children, nice house, nice DH, nice car.

It hasn't happened like that. I have the DH, in the process of buying the house, but we are having problems conceiving. I have PCOS and it has been about 5 years of on-and-off unsuccessful trying. My weight is the main issue, and why we haven't progressed to IVF yet. Strike one against me as it has taken so long to sort it, although I have lost four stone now and hopefully will lose the rest in the next six months.

The second thing is, DH has his own company. He wanted me to work with him when he set it up and I agreed (I didn't feel like I could say no). I don't really like being self employed or working on my own and I do a terrible job at it. The company paid for me to do a course but it hasn't helped. I think it is my attitude that is the problem. I'm ungrateful because I feel like I had no choice in taking this job. DH works bloody hard, he is a workaholic really and I benefit financially from this but I let him down all the time by not working better. I procrastinate too much, I have no willpower and no supervision and so it ends up getting to 5pm and I've done about an hours work in an 8 hour day. This is what the argument was about today, work is the only thing we ever really argue about.

The third thing is, I am terrible at keeping the house tidy. It's a mess. We had a massive clean up this weekend and DH helped and it looks lovely now, but normally I just can't keep on top of it. DH never normally does anything to help around the house (as he works so much) and it has been like a building site for the past 8 months. I've never really liked living here and always wanted to move, and DH just dumps his work things in the dining room and I think I got to the point where I thought "what's the point". I've never been the tidiest person in the world but I did used to be much better than I am now.

I just feel really awful, like I have this massive sense of entitlement and I'm sulking because life isn't going how I wanted it to (even though I could do much, much more to direct it where I want it to go and haven't in the past). How can I fix myself? How can I be a better wife and person? I have a list of excuses a mile long but even I'm sick of hearing them now. I've already promised myself and DH that things will be different in the new house in regards to tidiness. But I need to stop letting DH down so much at work.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think I partly just want to get it off my chest, and partly look for any advice, anyone who has been disappointed in themselves but gone onto a place where they are now proud of themselves?

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

Would you be happier in a full time job elsewhere, and with a cleaner coming in for a few hours a week? That would free up your husband to buy in staff who would be more suited.

[Bananamanfan]

Get your own job op. However many hours your dh works he can hang up his coat, put his shoes and work things away, that's not your job.

[Aminuts23]

If you’re only doing an hour or so work in an 8 hour day whilst your DH is working hard and he then has to come home to a tip I’m not surprised you argue. I’d be bloody fuming. What do you do with your days? Housework should be shared if you’re both working but not if one of you is working hard all day and the other is sat tossing it off.
Why don’t you get a job that gets you out of the house and ask him to employ someone who will actually contribute to his business? If you’ve no interest in it, it won’t work.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, I really don’t. If you’re not happy you need to change things.

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

I think so, but I'm scared to say that's what I want to do. We've said we'll get a cleaner in the new house anyway, but I often fantasise about getting a "normal" job. But then, I was employed for about 8 years before working in this company with my husband and it was mostly unskilled work and I hated most of those jobs too. I had my own business for a while but gave it up as I didn't like being self employed. But I just hate making decisions, I find it practically impossible, and I'm always worried I chose the wrong thing.

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

Get a job you enjoy elsewhere and get DH to tidy up afyer himself.

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

Aminuts23 I know you're not being harsh, it's just honest. I don't not work out of spite I just seem to be constantly distracted by something and I'll do a bit of work and then get distracted, a bit of work and then distracted. Or it'll take me a ridiculously long time to do something small and relatively unimportant.

DH insists on me being full time but I think in reality there is maybe only 20 hours a week of actual work, he thinks I should fill the rest of the time trying to find new clients, but I don't know how to do that. I hate sales and cold calling etc. I'm not very charismatic either so I don't think it would be any good.

I'm always so scared of messing everything up too, but then I end up messing up anyway because I'm not doing enough.

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

Blahblahblahzeeblah that seems like an ideal solution but I've not enjoyed many previous jobs so I'm worried I'll stop here, completely hurt my DH in the process and go into a job that I also hate. I don't want to hurt him but I know it massively will if I said I wanted to leave, although in the argument today he said if I don't get better he will have to fire me anyway

[Teensandfuture]

What do you do well?
You either depressed or just idle.
Wanted to be a SAHM lol and DH providing for all of it.
50s are calling!
I realise my comments sound nasty but seems like absolutely no interest in anything, no ambition and no drive.

[Fwend]

You don't sounds like a terrible wife to me, you sound frustrated and maybe a little depressed.

I think you've actually got some positives in there - you have identified that you think you'd be happier with another, FT job, and you're not happy with household duties.

So, do something about these things. Even taking steps toward action will make you feel better, and more in control of your own life.

Look for a new job, and a cleaner. Do one small thing a day to make yourself happy (a book, a bath, whatever).

You can do this.

[twattymctwatterson]

Did you mean to write this like a reverse?

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

I think you may be a bad employee (sorry!) But you aren't a bad wife. It's hard to be motivated in a job you hate and I wonder if your fertility problems are bringing you down further. You clearly can be motivated if you've managed to lose 4 stone! That's an amazing achievement.

[Notamorningperson84]

Another vote here for getting a job elseware. Doing a job you don't want/can't do and feeling like you can't leave isn't skiing anything for your confidence.

As for the house stuff even if it's fair that you do more if he works longer hours. He shouldn't be just dumping his stuff and expecting you to clean up after him.

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

poster Teensandfuture it's probably a bit of both if I'm being completely honest.

That's what I wanted when I was younger, I realise now it's not realistic, but I never grew up thinking "oh I would LOVE to do XX" when I grow up, I just wanted to be a mum.

I'd love to work with kids, I have worked with them in the past. I feel like it was the only thing I was ever really good at. I went to Uni and was doing a degree as a mature student to try and become a teacher but I was also working 20 hours a week and doing the work for DH's business and working a second job with about 5 hours per week to gain some experience working with children and it all just turned into a big mess, something had to give and I ended up keeping my job as I needed the money and working for DH. I then later went full time working for DH.

[LordSugarWillSeeYouNow]

Hi op- firstly I think you have been incredibly honest and that's often hard.

You are not a terrible wife! You're a normal wife. It is not your fault over not being able to conceive, I had pcos too and it took a bloody long time, I was and still am overweight.

Sometimes, things happen outside of our control. It seems that your husband has pretty high expectations of you and you feel like you're not living up to them, that's how I'm seeing it anyway so apologies if I'm way off the mark.

Why does he "insist" you work full time when you're clearly not happy there?
Does the housework always get split evenly?

You sound massively overwhelmed by life. How about taking a short break from work, getting the house in order, doing something that will make you feel better about yourself, mine would be a wash and blow and possibly my nails painted a crazy colour!

Re-evaluate your life, decide what is important to you and what direction you want to head in. Above all else, speak to your husband and tell him how you feel.

Hope things pick up for you and good luck with the baby making

[LemonysSnicket]

I dont think any of that makes you a terrible wife.

firstly, struggling to conceive is not your fault, and even if the weight is working against you, you've lost 4 stone and have recognised and are working on it. 4 stone is an incredible amount to lose.
Secondly, you're unhappy in the job you do. you're not required to work for him, you tried to so that you can help him ( a good wife thing to do), but as its not working out maybe you could get a different FT job and they could hire someone more proficient at your current job.
Thirdly, you're a bad cleaner, so am I, it doesn't mean I'm a bad partner, I'm just a bad cleaner. Again you've recognised this and your problematic entitlement and if you try and put some organisational / cleaning schedules in place then you're working on it. Thats all that can be asked for.
I think you're dissatisfied and need to change your life and you will become better in the process. nobody is perfect, give yourself a break or this 'feedback loop from hell' of disliking yourself will only make you worse.
your husband married you - not your womb, your cleaning ability, or your admin skills.

I was recently unemployed. For about 3 months my DP had to support me and I hated it. I felt worthless and like I wasn't achieving anything because i hadn't done enough work experience or extra curriculars when at uni and so it was my fault. I got lazy and applied for fewer and fewer jobs because i was dissatisfied. I let the house get messy because i didn't want to clean and we had no money and I was sad and angry and took it out on DP.
Then I found a job. A badly paid, dream-job. I got that job because i stopped aiming for the 30k jobs I thought I was entitled to ... and I took a chance on a training scheme I never thought I had a shot at or could survive on the wage. DP said we would make it work and so I went for it. That one change pulled me out of my self-hatred slump and now my house is clean, budget-friendly decorated for christmas, I make my DPs lunch and tea every day (job doesnt start until Jan) and we're much much happier. Because I can give myself a break.

Give yourself some love, some self care, keep going on your incredible weight-loss journey, discuss moving jobs with your DP and get a cleaning rota going. You'll soon feel better as the world wont feel like the pressure is causing the world to cave in.

Also, stop obsessing over what you thought you wanted. This American Movie ideal of 'big dreams' and a perfect life is fucking people up. Be micro-ambitious and work on doing your best in what you're doing right now ... not obsessing over the future. Life is short ... dont waste it on 'what might have beens'.

Good Luck. x

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

That's one of the things I hate, I feel really lazy doing this job. It makes DH think of me as lazy, but I have always worked so hard at previous jobs, I've always been a good worker and had good feedback from bosses etc. I just don't like being self employed, I hate all the stress that goes with it and I don't have good will power.

[RestingGrinchFace]

I really think that you should get a different job.

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow and LemonysSnicket- thank you so much for your kind words. I really don't feel like I deserve them, I feel like I'm such a waste of space right now. I don't feel like I can be this honest with my husband becuase he is a good man, he's just trying to do what he thinks is the best for us and our future and I really don't want to hurt him. I know I'm so lucky to have this opportunity and so many people would love to be in my position. I just want to be able to do this job better, to be be better.

[Footle]

Are you and he just not very well suited to each other? You sound depressed and rather downtrodden, by your own self-criticism or by his low opinion of you.

[SleepingStandingUp]

OP you sound depressed and after years of ttc it is understandable.

Tell DH that you aren't the person he needs. He needs to look for someone who can do the job. If they're doing 35-40 hours a week it will hopefully take some pressure off him too.

How much do you need your wage? Could you sign up to an agency so there's some variety and if it starts to go down hill you can try somewhere else? What is your passion? What gets you excited? Can you train in that area and then get a skilled job? There's nothing shameful in being someone who needs to be managed rather than have the willpower to do it all yourself.

When you pack the house, don't just pack e everything. Pack what you want and need and leave the rest / throw it all in a skip.

Talk to DH about him doing his own bits - dirty washing in the basket, work stuff in an agreed place where they can stay till the morning, shoes by the door. If you both do that it will already seem tidier.

Once you are both home from work any housework needs to be split be you do need to pull tour weight whilst youre home

[SleepingStandingUp]

OP you need to be honest. He knows things are crap re work and he doesnt5want to get to the point of sacking his wife.

[Quartz2208]

BEing in a marriage does not mean having to be in a partnership - its not working for either of you working this and its not fair on you for him to insist either.

That said its not fair on him for him to take on everything so you nee to decide what you want to do and follow that - the self employed aspect is his dream find yours

[thatcatpidgeon]

Have you considered the possibility that you have ADD? I hadn't realised it was a thing (it wasn't recognised disorder when I was at school and I struggled as an adult without realising what was 'wrong' with me). I'm not a lazy, procrastinating, disorganised mess - I have ADD and with help and structure and coping tools things are a lot easier - plus the 'what is wrong with me?' guilt is now explained! Just a thought anyway, might not resonate at all, but it was life changing for me!

[paap1975]

I wonder if you might not be suffering from depression. Is this something you have looked into?

[thatcatpidgeon]

totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/

This is a useful quiz to get an idea about possible ADD btw (copied and pasted it then got distracted as I typed!)