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Done Something Stupid

(35 Posts)
Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 08:45:19

Name changed for obvious reasons. I am late 30s. Have been with husband for 18 years. Two children. Happy marriage, nice life. I've been feeling increasingly reckless recently and not terribly in control of my actions. Over the last few months I've struck up a minor flirtation with someone we see socially sometimes - up until now this has been pretty harmless (though if I'm honest I was aware that I didn't entirely trust myself with the situation). Out at the weekend, had quite a lot to drink. Somehow managed to tell this man that I fancy him and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek, in a room full of people that know me and my husband. I have no idea how many people saw this. I Have no idea how many people this man will have told. Any of these people could tell my husband what I've done. And even if he doesn't find out, what the actual fuck possessed me to do such a thing in the first place? I'm feeling very much like I'm on the brink of disaster for reasons that I cant even pin down. What the hell do I do?

ShatnersWig Tue 05-Dec-17 08:53:58

If this had just been the kiss on the cheek when drunk I'd have brushed it off and said "look, you were pissed, it was silly, don't put yourself in that position again and don't stress it"

But it's not. You chose to strike up flirty banter on a semi-regular basis with a guy and you admit that you didn't entirely trust yourself with the situation - yet you chose to continue it and you're now in the position you find yourself.

Admittedly, it could have been a lot worse, like a full on snog, but it's the fact that you knowingly have been playing with fire that would worry me. I'd be looking into why you are doing that.

If you think there is a likelihood someone may tell your husband I'd be inclined to get in there first and say "I was pissed, I kissed this guy on the cheek" and then stop indulging in any flirting at all with this guy.

Adviceneededhelp Tue 05-Dec-17 09:07:41

Yes agreed with the above poster. Tell him before someone else does.

Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 09:39:09

That would not go well. To be honest if my husband found out about the kiss on the cheek he wouldn't bat an eyelid, it's the other bit that I'm concerned about, and I think the chances of that getting back to him are really slim. I'm more worried about the fact that my behaviour has taken a sudden turn for the unexpected and I no longer feel very in control of my actions. Clearly I need to avoid this guy like the plague for the rest of my life!

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 09:42:27

Welcome to mid-life crisis! sad

Do come over on the MLC thread, you will find a lot of people feeling the same as you. For me, some days the longing and restlessness are unbearable. I want something more, although I struggle to articulate what. I also have the life/husband/family thousands of women would kill for. But there you go...

Myheartbelongsto Tue 05-Dec-17 09:42:53

Nope, you need to control yourself.

Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 09:49:19

Yes, and I need to control myself too. I think I will join you on the midlife crisis thread JustWonderingz!

Isetan Tue 05-Dec-17 10:08:54

There are more men out there than just this one and if you don’t get to the root of your behaviour, there will be another who and he might be more responsive to your overtures.

If you can’t work through your shit on your own then seek professional advice before you go further than your current risky behaviour.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 05-Dec-17 10:12:56

Lets face it, its very lucky this guy didn't encourage you to tale things further.

You need to think about if you really ARE happy in your marriage or if its all starting tel get a bit meh. Do you want to make it work or are you subconsciously trying to sabotage it? Is there another part of your life that feels empty?

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 10:33:58

I don’t think people get it when they start to look for problems in the marriage or faults with the H. There aren’t any! Everything is great. This is the point. OP acknowledges that she can’t spot anything wrong with her life and she can’t explain the way she is feeling. Sorry OP, haven’t got any solutions. I try to muddle through and put all my efforts into not doing anything stupid/ not destroying what I have got. I wish there was an explanation and a rational way to stop myself feeling like I do.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 05-Dec-17 10:38:41

There's a difference between can't figure out the reason and no reason. People rarely try to self district their life without an underlying reason. Even if that reason is something deep about not being worthy of true contentment or feeling that nothing can ever truly be perfect without a disaster happening so. They create an issue to consciously stave off the disaster

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 11:01:27

Sleeping, I beg to differ. I have seen it before with other people, relatives who had a happy settled life and then Bam! Out of nowhere. Crazy shit. My aunt had a happy marriage, loving husband. Then in her early forties just started to act mad, lost 4 stone of weight, started to wear heavy make up, flirting with men, hitting onto friends, colleagues, going on about sex. I was in my twenties then and thought it all looked rather sad and I will never be like that.

Well, now in my late thirties, I suddenly feel more compassion for my aunt. It is so easy to criticise and get on your high horse. If things in life were so simple, black and white.

SleepingStandingUp Tue 05-Dec-17 11:10:40

In not criticizing or getting on anyone horse. In suggesting that deep down there will be something that has triggered this. That isn't a criticism. Not necessarily an unhappy marriage or awful children though an honest look at your home life is worthwhile. Not a hostoey or terrible things but something. Even if you never look deep enough to figure it out, it doesn't mean that it came from nowhere. Maybe its just about time slipping past and a fear of dying with things undone or not enough people rembering you. None of that is something to be critical about but by understanding it it will hopefully be easier to control.
If the gut had been drunk / interestes / opporunisitic then what might have got home to the partner was that she snagged him I. Front of everyone and they left together. Surely its worth giving your life, thinking, attiides etc a good review rather than just saying "well it just happens"?

Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 11:13:54

I also sympathise with your aunt. It's all so horribly boring. Not that that's an excuse. I am pretty disgusted with myself - how could I do that so flippantly when the consequences could be so awful? I'm horrified about how easy it would be to chuck it all away, and how close I have come to doing so.

Huskylover1 Tue 05-Dec-17 11:40:39

Hmm. Well, I do have a theory about this.

You have given your entire youth to your husband. He may have even been the only man you've slept with. You are now hurling at a fast rate of knots towards 40, and you are panicking. It's like a need to sow your wild oats and have a wild bit of partying, before it's all too late.

I can remember feeling similar at your age. However, I do know it was triggered by finding out that my H had been unfaithful many times, whilst I had been totally faithful to him from age 17 to 37. I felt robbed! I wanted to doll up, party, chat to men and all sorts.

I am now married to someone else who I adore, and I have never ever had those feelings again. Been together for several years now, but it's still exciting with him, so I have no need to look elsewhere.

I guess the big question is, do you want to stick with the DH you have now, or cut loose and have a few years of going out, flirting and dating again? It's entirely your choice to make, however, do consider the consequences.....only being with your kids half the time / kids having a step mum / alternating Christmas day and all special occasions / waving off your children when they travel with Dad.....and so on.

Also, after a few years of partying/pulling men, I do think the desire to settle down with a man that truly loves you, will return. But you might never find that. You hear some absolute horror stories about men and dating in your 40's. You could be in for a lot of heartache.

Whilst you ponder all this, I'd try to steer clear of situations involving alcohol and men that you fancy. It would be so easy to make a snap decision whilst pissed, that will implode your life. Imagine if you had shagged that guy, or snogged him in full view. All of your choices could be removed if your DH found out and dumped you.

Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 11:52:38

Huskylover1, that's really good advice, thank you.

Dozer Tue 05-Dec-17 11:55:20

Take responsibility for your actions and manage yourself.

All this “not in control of myself” is self serving, passive bullshit.

Dozer Tue 05-Dec-17 11:59:29

If you’re bored or frustrated with your H and/or life, work out why and what your options are to do something positive about it. Lots of options, from some small changes through to divorce if you want to be free to seek someone new.

Cheating/flirting with other men/embarrassing yourself won’t change things for the better.

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 12:00:18

What I wonder is will it just stop as suddenly as it started? Is it a case of restraining yourself until such day when you go back to normal? My aunt seems to have got over it after a few years. Still with the husband, back to her normal self. No reminders at all about what was going on, she even put her weight back on and got ‘comfortable’ with her appearance.

Is this a temporary craziness which will go of its own accord if you do nothing?

I def do not want to trade my wonderful H and family for some uncertain prospects. Knowing my luck, I will probably be on my own like I was before. And besides, you don’t come across men like my H very often. I hit gold. I may not (probably ^will not^) get another chance like that.

Huskylover1 Tue 05-Dec-17 12:39:03

I think this type of thing happen a lot, when people marry too young. Or without dating several people. I mean, you wouldn't go in to a dress shop aged 20, and buy the very first dress you saw, and then wear that dress to every event, for the rest of your life, and never wonder how it would feel, to try on a different dress? Perhaps a sill analogy. But surely it's similar with men? How do you know the one you are with, is absolutely the best fit for you, unless you've dated several before settling down?

I think late 30's is the ideal time for a mid-life crisis. You are still attractive enough to pull men. But acutely aware, that in less than ten years time, you'll be approaching 50, and you may not be looking so good. Now, I'm not saying that women in their 50's aren't attractive - there are indeed loads of attractive women in their 50's and older...but at 38, you have no idea what you will look and feel like as the decades progress, and it can, I think, make you feel like the party might be coming to an end, and perhaps you want to exit with a bang.

Reckless17 Tue 05-Dec-17 13:02:28

No, I definitely don't want to be alone. I don't think I know how. And you are right Dozer that it's a total cop-out to say that I'm not in control of myself, and that this behaviour won't make anything better. The only thing that has changed is that I know have a hefty dose of self-loathing and a crippling case of embarrassment. Serves me right!

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 13:15:27

Husky, equally you could go down the route of embarking on a massive shopping trip every 10-15 years or so searching for another perfect dress. And then that perfect dress will get boring after a while.

I know enough men as colleagues, friends, acquaintances etc and I can see that not many women get treated by their partners like mine treats me. I don’t have to throw it away to appreciate it.

You may have a point that women who have been round the block a few times in their younger years come to realise it’s same old, same old and feel less inclined to look for an alternative, as they know it is not going to be better or better enough to bother.

In any case, I am unlikely to be a woman who goes round the block a lot. I never objected to the idea, but found that men feel too intimidated by me. Even if I got this cracking opportunity, not much is likely to come of it. From experience. Married to my DH is the happiest and most content I have been. This is the fucking paradox.

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 13:24:04

Reckless, you are absolutely right. I am cringing just as much as everybody at what I must look like. I don’t want this embarrassing behaviour. I wish I could switch it off. Indeed, I could cry at the frustration I am feeling. With a good H, easy life and dare I mention it, fantastic sex in my marriage.

How ridiculous and sad I am.

JustWonderingZ Tue 05-Dec-17 13:46:35

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. It is just how you feel is so similar to me (minus the actual actions). Would be interested to hear from people who came through at the other side unscathed. There are plenty of MLC stories of marriages breaking up and spouses running away with a younger model in a sports car (or Harley Davidson). Surely enough people made it through with the same partner. I don’t want to leave! Indeed, this is the last thing I want.

Dozer Tue 05-Dec-17 14:30:25

Probably no actual harm done if you sort yourself out now. The OM may well say nothing to anyone and friends/acquaintances probably didn’t think much of it.

The key issue is whether you still love and have a good relationship with your H.

There is a lot of pressure on women to look younger and sexually attractive.

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