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Left at 17 weeks pregnant- please help me

(14 Posts)
WorkerBee82 Tue 05-Dec-17 06:58:08

Hello everyone. I'm 20 weeks pregnant on Thursday (also my birthday, urgh) and was left by my partner at 17 weeks.

I have two children from a previous relationship that are 6 and 8, I spent two years alone after that breakup before meeting my new partner who I fell pregnant with about 20 months after meeting. I'm 34.

This was a very wanted baby and something we had discussed a lot. He came along sooner than anticipated but we were still happy. I work three days a week and was actually looking for new work at the time so thank god I never left!!

So the whole relationship has spiralled in this last few months. It might be easy to assume he's had some crisis of confidence but it's not the case. He's decided we're too different and that's why we don't get along now, that it's never going to work long term so it's better to end it now. I know he's low about it, and has sought counselling, however he says he's doing it because he's concerned that he doesn't feel any emotion over what he's done!! At the same time I have had to explain to friends, other parents, family, colleagues, doctors, midwives, the father of my first two children and gut wrechingly my children, that I have been left to raise a baby alone. I am devasted, heartbroken, my children are heartbroken and understandly lashing out a little as they're so confused, and I feel this tremendous shame to be in such a position.

It just doesn't feel a good enough reason to walk away from us all, to be so resolute. We are not an aggressive couple, we just have our differences, and whilst I am already so in love with this baby I feel if these differences were THAT vast, he could have naturally come to this conclusion before there was a baby involved, before I was left alone, to raise three children by two different fathers.

This is his first child, and from the moment he left he's insisted 'I still want the baby! I'll do what I can to support you!' I feel like he's jumped twelve steps. I still have 4.5 months of growing this little lad and I feel he's happy to miss all that then swan back when he's here. I don't even know how that can happen. How any of this could.

I feel overwhelmingly sad, angry, helpless and ashamed of myself. I want to hate him and yet three weeks ago I was in love with him. I am on a list for counselling, they're trying to get me in before Christmas.

I have lovely friends and family though many are far away. He has moved back to his dads and has three siblings on the doorstep or in the house. I think perhaps I was never liked, as not one of them has told him to work at this over walking away. It's just all unfathomable to me. Everyone just keeps saying 'oh you'll be fine! You're so strong!' I don't want to be strong. I wanted to be loved and looked after.

He has been very cold, it's like he realises what he's doing but I can't possibly see how he can. The gravitas of this is huge and naturally, right before sodding Christmas.

The worst element of this is that I just wanted a secure family, and genuinely felt I had it all sewn up. I thought I had it all. Now I am bitter and full of resentment and my face hurts everyday from crying.

I have my own home and car and will learn to be solely independent again as I was before. I don't have a great deal of money but I know I have enough and I'm fortunate for that, it's something I worked damn hard for after I left my ex, who was dreadful with money and forever racking up debts.

I don't know how I'll cope getting 2 children to school with a baby every day, alone. And I honestly feel I will never fall in love again, that I'll never meet someone again now that would want to do right by us all. I don't think I could bring someone else into the fold again now anyway. He will go off and have more children and make a future with someone else though I've no doubt. Give someone else everything they need.

This is two men that have let my children down now and they are the BEST kids. I am so so so sorry to them. I wonder how it will affect them or has, what sort of concept they will have of love. I don't know what sort of man leaves a pregnant woman alone with all of this.

Please everyone, I would love your thoughts and advice. Every day is a mental struggle and there's so much to do. I'm just all over the place xxx

Want2beme Tue 05-Dec-17 10:55:05

So sorry this has happened to you. I haven't been in your position exactly, but I have experienced being left and it's heartbreaking. You know that you'll be ok in time, I can sense that you are a resilient person, as people in your life are telling you. Let your friends and family help and be kind to yourself. Other people will be along to give you the support you need. Take care of yourself flowers

YellowMakesMeSmile Tue 05-Dec-17 16:49:57

The relationship was still very new at just twenty months, you both rushed into something before you had a solid base and he's bolted as it wasn't for him.

He could still turn out to be an amazing father even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he may surprise you or he may not. It's an unknown at the moment.

Allesda Tue 05-Dec-17 16:56:34

I understand and am in a very similar situation. Have a handhold flowers

It's not easy and all the little reminders, plus the hormones/emotions are excruciating. I have felt exactly the same as you, wondering about the future and love and examples for my baby. All you can do is take it one day at a time. It does start to get a bit easier but three weeks in is still very raw and new.

backinthatdress Tue 05-Dec-17 17:09:07

I agree with yellow, 20 months isn't even two years so still relatively a short time to be having a baby with someone. I don't really think you can say you had everything sewn up in that short amount of time, didnyou lice together, are you married?
He may still be a good dad, aslong as he provides for his child and sees him that's what counts in the long run

backinthatdress Tue 05-Dec-17 17:09:34

Did you live together*

ohamIreally Tue 05-Dec-17 17:20:15

I don't think it's fair of him to say he still wants the baby. You should offer to let him bring it up alone and see how he reacts - that's what he's putting on you. Do you have to have the baby? I know this might seem a shocking suggestion but if you think this is going to end your hopes of future happiness and that of your existing children is it worth considering not going ahead? I also think people are being harsh on you by the way suggesting you've rushed into this. 20 months is almost 2 years and plenty of people get married and try for a baby in that timescale.

WorkerBee82 Tue 05-Dec-17 18:29:21

Thanks for your responses, even the harsh ones. Yes we'd been living together for about eight months, we shared everything. We didn't really talk about marriage it wasn't something either of us were too bothered about. I had been with him 20 months when I fell pregnant, now it's two years. I don't think that's particularly rushing anything either when two people want something. I'm almost 35 and to be honest having had two in my twenties wouldn't have wanted to wait too long- I don't want the entirety of my adult life spent at school gates.
I am 20 weeks pregnant in two days so of course keeping them. If I was six weeks pregnant it wouldn't even be a conversation under these circumstances. But I love my baby and don't agree with aborting at this stage. I have more than enough to give this baby.

Wavesandsmilesagain Tue 05-Dec-17 22:32:45

Hi OP, I was almost you 4.5 years ago. I don’t think 20 months was such a short time, and certainly don’t feel that you don’t have authentic feelings about your other half abandoning you and your baby because it wasn’t a relationship of 10 years plus

If it felt like (feels like) love, and you felt secure with a mapped out future, then your reaction is what it is, regardless of the time.

I remember the bone aching loneliness and fear for the future as I lay alone pregnant, also with my two older children to think of, and with a feeling that the rug had been not just ripped from my feet but ripped to shreds.

You haven’t let your older children down, the fact that you are thinking of them shows how much you care. I expect they are really excited to have a baby brother or sister and will love the new dynamic this brings to your family (mine did and still do)

I can’t take away the pain or the thoughts, but I can talk from a place a few years from now. My “14 weeks pregnant” is so excited for his first school nativity and he has grown into a fantastic little person. It’s not the life I expected for him or us when I was newly pregnant, but it’s a really good life. My only regret is giving his father a second chance; but I did come to my senses.

Also, the school run becomes a piece of cake - it takes getting used to but it’s not so bad at all. None of it is.

Do you have plans for Christmas? Are there things you can do with your children? Right now, maybe distractions will help, a time to make some new family traditions perhaps?

Take care, it’s so hard now, but it won’t always feel so bleak

WorkerBee82 Wed 06-Dec-17 09:37:25

@wavesandsmilesagain thank you so much for your thoughtful message. It is tremendously bleak. The thought process is also maddening.

I wish I was four years in like yourself right now, but I'm sure it wasn't easy journey. I am thoroughly on board with this baby, though have to say with a 6 and 8 year old I thought my baby making days behind me. I'm literally having another child because I fell in love with someone that didn't have his own, and that we made him out of love.

All I can speculate with regards to him is becoming clearer that it's not worth my while even pondering. I have lashed out at him to be coldly knocked back many times in the last few weeks. It just doesn't feel like the same person I made a baby with. You would also think that to do something so drastic, we'd have to have been at each other's throats all day and that it the only solution, and we just weren't. He's also not just having a wobbly, he's so calm and resolute and 'it's fine, I'll help where I can'. It is bizarre. It is the bizarrest place to be and so utterly lonely.

Thank you so much again, it sounds like you've done and are doing a grand job. Women are incredible, I just wish men weren't able to rely on that fact. xxx

backinthatdress Wed 06-Dec-17 11:51:31

I don't think im being harsh at all, more realistic.
If you get pregnant by someone your not married to, haven't even been together for 2 years, only lived with for less then a year and you already have 2 kids by someone else who your not with, then yes sorry I think you rushed into it no matter how in love you appeared.

I wish you all the best though, school runs will become a peice of cake and hopefully the dad helps to raise him

YellowMakesMeSmile Wed 06-Dec-17 16:33:20

*I don't think im being harsh at all, more realistic.
If you get pregnant by someone your not married to, haven't even been together for 2 years, only lived with for less then a year and you already have 2 kids by someone else who your not with, then yes sorry I think you rushed into it no matter how in love you appeared. *

I agree. You can't possibly know somebody well enough to have made such a commitment when not even living with them for a year. It was rushed and now three children will pay for that price.

It sounds like your age was a factor so you made a decision with your heart rather than your head.

grobagsforever Wed 06-Dec-17 16:36:11

@backinthatdress what an unpleasant post. Do you enjoy kicking ppl when they are down?

@WorkerBee82 - I have been alone and pregnant. DH died when I was 36 weeks, my older DD was 4. I can't really remember much about the first year but we got through it. They are now 7 and 3 and thriving. I returned to work and have a full life. Not the same as your situation but I'm sure you'll be ok, just like I was.

Wavesandsmilesagain Wed 06-Dec-17 20:19:40

Hi workerbee, hows your day been? I hope you’ve ignored the horrid posts which are beyond unhelpful, I hope some of us manage to provide you some support.

I can honestly say I have the tremendously supportive people of mumsnet to thank for my surviving the early stages, there is a lot of support here (was back then anyway!) I practically gave birth whilst updating my virtual birthing partners here.... it can feel so overwhelming and lonely.

None of your children will suffer, you are going to love them all and they will love each other, yep it will be tough, unimaginably so at times, but you’ll be closer together and stronger for it.

Your new baby is coming from love and what ever your ex has done you will always know how much love made that baby. Men have an uncanny ability to panic in the face of responsibility and reveal themselves to be quite despicable. Fortunately there is an inner strength I think that comes when carrying and nurturing a baby. It is so unfair that you have to be strong, but it will happen, you will get there.

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