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Depressed DP - not sure how to handle?!

(14 Posts)
Straightinmybasket Mon 04-Dec-17 22:11:15

I met DP a year ago while he was going through a very bad period in his life (I don't want to give too much away). The first few months were great - he showered me with affection, grand gestures, lots of loving words etc. I felt very secure and completely fell for him. I've now come to realise that this behaviour was probably just because I was a distraction from the awful time he'd been having as now things couldn't be further from that.
Things are very one-sided now. I make all the effort to see him, he never comes round mine or if he does he barely stays an hour. We rarely do anything together, and he never tells me how he feels anymore unless I ask him. Yet when I ask what's the matter he says I'm being stupid. He's really down and stressed about a number of situations which I try so hard to remember but he seems so disinterested in me that it's really hard to take sometimes. Can the way he is really be just down to depression?

Maybe if he hadn't been so completely different in the beginning it wouldn't be so hard to get my head round but it's not nice feeling rejected. For example on the rare occasion he does come to me, he'll stay an hour then get up and say "I'm going now, don't start getting stroppy." Is it really so bad to want to spend an evening with my DP? Due to having DC we don't get a lot of time together anyway so I find it hurtful when he acts this way.

However if I end things I would feel absolutely terrible as when I do ask him how he feels he does say he loves me and wants to be with me. I would feel guilty if I made his depression worse and if he was to do something stupid I would be partly to blame? It just seems such a mess.

Straightinmybasket Mon 04-Dec-17 22:43:27


cestlavielife Mon 04-Dec-17 22:49:43

You won't make his depression worse by being you.
You cannot cure him.
You wont be responsible for his actions.
Let him get professional help.
His mental health.his responsibility.
Set your boundaries

Aminuts23 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:53:17

Depression is a terrible illness but it is equally not an excuse to treat you in a way that upsets you. You are not responsible for him. If he’s having a bout of depression he needs to take action to address it. There isn’t anything you can do to make it better.

My ex used his depression as an excuse to behave badly so I’m slightly jaded to be fair. Now it’s all over I look back and see that he was absolutely self absorbed. Had no consideration for anyone else’s feelings or needs. He says that was due to depression and anxiety. I don’t buy that. It might be true, I don’t know but what I do know is that I was treated very badly.

Be careful here. If he is depressed and needs support ask him what he needs from you (space/support?) If he’s not meeting your needs or making sufficient effort you are within your rights to end it

3011152gt Mon 04-Dec-17 23:55:08

I feel for you this is like reading a post from myself
My DF suffers badly and we've had a tough year with other issues as well
I miss how he was when we met and just hope it improves again
He's making efforts to get help
He's just very direct and abrupt and hurtful with his words but he doesn't mean to be. Unfortunately depression is very selfish illness

I don't know what to advise other than to make sure u have good support and don't let him treat u badly. Take time to enjoy good moments and don't be scared to tell him how you feel


AtrociousCircumstance Tue 05-Dec-17 00:02:36

If someone doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t make you feel loved, or not quite enough - you have every right to leave. You don’t owe him your life just because he’s depressed —and selfish and critical—

If he does something silly that is his decision and not within your control. You can’t let yourself be blackmailed into staying like that, and sign up for a miserable existence: that’s like emotional suicide.

If this relationship makes you feel sad and bad then leave. You have every right to.

Josuk Tue 05-Dec-17 00:32:33

OP - you call this man ‘partner’ - but what you describe doesn’t sound like any sort or relationship with a boyfriend, and certainly not what i’d call a relationship with a ‘partner’.

It’s a man you are seeing infrequently. And as you say - you don’t do much together. And he doesn’t tell you much about himself or his feelings.

I know you fell for him (and all the nice words) at the beginning.
But do really ask yourself - what are you getting out of this relationship now.
Doesn’t seem like much - or anything, really.

Maybe this is the sort of interactions she needs/prefers?
You don’t have to like or accept it.

Xoticdreamz Tue 05-Dec-17 00:35:42

What is he doing about his depression? If activity acknowledging it then perhaps you can work through it, if not then it seems like an awful lot to put up with and I'm sure constantly feeling rejected does you no good.

Straightinmybasket Tue 05-Dec-17 03:47:54

Thank you everyone. The frustrating thing is he isn't doing anything to help himself. With everything he's going through it's completely understandable why he's so depressed and stressed but he just won't seek out help. He won't visit the GP as he says he's tried medication in the past and it's made him feel worse and he can't afford to pay out for counselling

overnightangel Tue 05-Dec-17 04:45:19

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
Ultimately you’re not responsible for another adult’s happiness, and whilst depression is awful don’t let it drag you down as well

3011152gt Tue 05-Dec-17 08:17:56

Has he tried any charities for help? There are lots out there & other routes not just medication
I had to push my DF a little as depression can make doing anything hard but now he's more proactive in getting help

Maybe look into charities offering counselling etc & then have a chat showing him what you've found.

Otherwise the others are right it's not a easy walk & you deserve someone who treats you well & wants to be with you.

deepestdarkestperu Tue 05-Dec-17 08:31:17

Honestly? I wouldn't bother continuing this relationship and I say this as someone who's had depression so bad I didn't get out of bed and shower for over a week.

You've known him a year and after a few months the shit hit the fan - he won't go the doctor, get counselling or do anything to try and get better, barely sees you, doesn't ask after you and is thoroughly miserable to be around. So why are you staying? It doesn't even sound like a relationship to me. More habit than anything else.

You can't fix depression. You can't make him better and you can't force him to get any help - that all has to be his decision. Depression is horrific to live with and while I thoroughly sympathise with him, he needs to want to get better. Having been depressed and having dated someone who was - I wouldn't do it again.

Being in a long-term relationship with someone who develops depression is one thing, but I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who was struggling and refused to get help. Trying to fix someone is exhausting and only damages your own mental health in the long-run - I personally wouldn't risk that again for someone I barely knew.

Joysmum Tue 05-Dec-17 09:02:31

There’s a big difference between being with someone who is drepressed but is doing their best to help them self and acknowledges they have issues.

You can’t try enough to make up for his lack of engagement in your relationship and his own health.

cestlavielife Tue 05-Dec-17 12:19:48

Well it is his choice.
If there has been trauma and he wo t seek counselling etc it is his choice.

But the consequence is you don't want to be around him. Your choice.

No point staying around really is there ? You dont have dc with him or long term back story..
And even if you did it would be ultimatum time...get help.if you want to stay.

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