I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.
To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.
But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.
Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.
This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.
Thoughts?
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Relationships
Inform wife's affair partner's wife?
Jon1970 · 04/12/2017 22:00
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