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Inform wife's affair partner's wife?

(111 Posts)
Jon1970 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:00:38

I am looking for some considered opinions on a quandary I have wrestled with for almost 3 years now. 15th December 2014 I found out my wife had been having an affair for 8 months with my youngest daughters (7 at the time) orchestra leader. All took place in our house on a weekly basis, in our bedroom, in our bed, whilst I was at work. My relationship with my wife has recently now completely broken down and I have finally instigated a divorce. I should have done this three years ago but you live and you learn.

To cut a long story short, at the time, I decided to try to swallow the resentment I had towards him and not take any action, to try to focus on saving my marriage and also because my wife has had mental health problems over the years and I didn't want to set off yet another breakdown by the other women potentially seeking her out. My wife begged me not to take any action, and I didn't.

But pushing down my anger at him for the past three years has done me no good at all, I am still very, very bitter and, to be frank, it still really really pisses me off that he effectively "got away with it". I occasionally see him and this makes it worse. He and his wife seem very happy, eg lots of happy family pictures on Facebook. My family, my children's family, is in tatters. It's ironic that his wife's home page photo of them both was posted whilst he was sleeping with my wife. I'm not a Facebook stalker, but I did have a look.

Anyway, I have wrestled with whether or not to tell his wife for the past three years, I sometimes think I am just too restrained. A big part of me wants to let her know, partly because I think she deserves to know. I know he has had at least one other affair prior to the one with my wife, so assuming he is a serial adulterer, there is arguably a sexual health issue that she should know about (read should have known about years ago). But to be completely honest, my main motivation is old fashioned revenge. If it had been me going into another mans's 'castle' and screwing his wife, I'd expect there to be some come back. In his case, there wasn't, and that just feels plain wrong. Not to mention that there is an ethical and professional issue with him conducting a children's music group and having an affair with one (or more?) of the parents? But I have no desire to kick off a 'legal' discussion.

This is not just about revenge, I feel like I would have hung onto more self respect if there had been some come back for him. I have had to bury a big part of my self respect for three years and I want it back, I feel like taking some action would make me feel better, help me to heal. Like I have closed the loop on the whole saga, if that makes sense.

Thoughts?

donajimena Mon 04-Dec-17 22:04:06

I'd feel exactly the same as you. I would tell. I think I may be in the minority though.

Fishcalledlola Mon 04-Dec-17 22:04:39

I don't think it will make you feel any better. However, if my husband was having an affair. I would hope somebody would tell me.

inlectorecumbit Mon 04-Dec-17 22:06:48

Yes she deserves to know but, maybe l am wrong...wait till after Christmas for the DC's sakes . A few more weeks wont make a difference now

Adviceneededhelp Mon 04-Dec-17 22:07:09

Tell her. She deserves to know and frankly, he's probably screwing other women now too that he doesn't have your wife. I doubt she was the only one at the time and not the last either.

Valentine2 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:07:48

Tell her. He is putting her health at risk and doesn't deserve her. May be she already knows or suspects. Tell her.

Mimimouse4 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:08:39

I really don't blame you and I would be thinking the same.

I know if that was my husband I would want to know.

Maybe she does and turns a blind eye to it but you'll always be wondering what if.

I know others will say be the bigger person but I know I couldn't.

I really hope you'll be happier now x

Melony6 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:09:47

How are you going to impart the information?
I think the DW would perhaps not believe you.
So you could tell and it might backfire on you with you being accused of lying/making it up.
Tread carefully.

WineGummyBear Mon 04-Dec-17 22:13:41

In her shoes I'd want to know. But it might be helpful to consider your motivations and try and act on the higher ones. Eg take action based on what is the least awful thing for her (as opposed to what will bring about the most 'satisfying' downfall for him).

She may already know. Prefer to turn a blind eye.

By all means give this woman the opportunity to get shot of this horrible man. But accept that none of this is likely to improve your lot.

So sorry OP. It sounds horrendous for you.
Good luck

Jon1970 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:13:42

To Melony6, I have got copies of text messages from him, to me, from 3 years ago, admitting to and apologising for the affair, when I told him to stay away from my wife

Stormwhale Mon 04-Dec-17 22:14:37

I would tell her. I wouldn't even pretend it was because I felt she should know, I would just want vengeance. I don't blame you for being seriously bitter, and if you think it would help you then do it. Agree with pp though that perhaps wait until after christmas for the children.

Why the fuck should he swan around like he has it all when he has happily played a part in destroying your family.

You sound like a really decent bloke, and I'm sorry you have been through such a shitty time.

Hellywelly10 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:15:22

Unfriend them on Facebook. I'm not sure telling her will help you get your self respect back.

Wellthatwasembarassing Mon 04-Dec-17 22:15:45

Perhaps tell her after christmas but if I was her I would want to know rather than everyone else knowing and thinking about whether or not to tell me. Her sexual health is at risk for one.
It's not you or her at fault here. It is him and your wife. This is their doing.

Jon1970 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:18:18

His children are grown up so I'm inclined to spoil his Christmas as he spoiled mine. Im just being honest. What I'm less certain about is how to communicate the message to his wife. She is a deputy head teacher and I was considering sending a letter marked "strictly private and confidential' to her school. Although I'm concerned this might seem a bit odd/weird/extreme.

stillstuckinsuck Mon 04-Dec-17 22:18:35

Is it worth it? It won't just effect him it will also effect all of your children and theirs, and gossip will go round which will make their lives difficult. He knows you know, that is enough.

Shehz21 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:20:06

If my husband was cheating on me, I'd definitely want to know. And totally understand where you are coming from with the feeling of revenge. I am not a spiteful person but I wouldn't tolerate if for e.g my husband cheated on me with a married woman and that woman's partner never got to know about it. I would have made sure he knows about it.

SandyY2K Mon 04-Dec-17 22:21:38

Make sure you have evidence...because so many women just won't believe otherwise. You need texts or emails ... because the slimy fool will try and wriggle out of it.

She deserves to know who she's married to.

Don't listen to anyone who tries to accuse you off being selfish or seeking revenge.

Anyone who has an affair needs to be man or woman enough to deal with the fallout....including the impact on their children.

TheHobbitMum Mon 04-Dec-17 22:23:43

I'd absolutely tell her! I know it's not the 'right' thing to do and no doubt it won't bring much satisfaction but I'd feel the same as you, why should he get to play happy families while yours has been destroyed. I think we'll be in a minority opinion though

teaortequila23 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:26:03

Yes tell her she deserves to know and since you said their children are older I wouldn’t wait another day.

Aminuts23 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:30:26

I wouldn’t tell her, although it’s a dilemma as I agree she should know. But you need to recover and be selfish. I don’t think telling her will help you. It might give you a brief moment of satisfaction but it doesn’t change anything about your situation. You need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to grieve and recover. She might know what he’s like anyway.

user1497997754 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:31:41

Def tell her....she maybe unhappy in her marriage and be putting on a brave face....could be a good reason for her to get out of it...

Cricrichan Mon 04-Dec-17 22:34:26

I'd want to know. I'd tell her.

user21 Mon 04-Dec-17 22:34:42

I’m in a similar situation but we are still together. I too have feelings that she should also ‘suffer’
I have always said that if things don’t work out with H and I, I’m taking her down with us. Realistically, I’m not so sure.

magoria Mon 04-Dec-17 22:34:42

Don't send a letter to her work. Imagine how you would feel sitting at your desk thinking you were opening work mail to be confronted with this.

I do think she deserves to know. Maybe a letter to her house or contact her via FB/text.

She may not know that her H has risked her sexual health multiple times.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Mon 04-Dec-17 22:39:05

I’d say leave it. Maybe he has genuinely tried hard to save his marriage, maybe he lays awake every night thinking you will come along and destroy his life, maybe he confessed, maybe she knows anyway or maybe he still fools around and kharma is waiting to bite his ass.

You say it’s not for revenge, but it really is. Destroying his relationship won’t make yours any better.

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