Silent treatment and I can’t go on

[Notebook11]

Posting for some advice and perhaps a few home truths for myself- have NC as this is probably outing.

DH works away most of the time, back for a few weeks at a time. We have had problems in the past with him encouraging me (at times pressuring) to go for high paying fast paced jobs. This has always been a disaster for my DCs who I then juggle round everything else as I am mostly on my own. Also when he has been home then he would get annoyed that I was working so much!

I almost had a breakdown 2 years ago and as a result I changed just bs and reduced my hours. This was better, I thought, for everyone and this year he and I seemed to be better together and less argumentative.

On the days I do work it can still be quite intensive and there are definitely times I could be better at keeping in touch. Several times now when speaking by phone he has been sulky with me and when I ask, he then explodes at me and says I failed communicate with him. This has probably happened three times this year, and it is not about what he says, but the way he gets sulky and sarcastic (telling me that everything is fine but his tone says it isn’t for example, so then I have to guess whether he is really fine and then when I ask he blows up).

Yesterday we were really busy, genuinely busy. I kept in touch, I sent texts and photos. He was sulky and then started shouting that I was bad at staying in touch overall, not just yesterday. I ended up going through our messages while we were on the phone, it honestly felt ridiculous, and then I said that as far as I could see, the messages were pretty much 50/50. He calmed down, I thought, and I explained that jumping stuff on me like this was really making me anxious.

This morning we exchanged messages, I asked if things were okay, he said yes. We spoke early afternoon, but only briefly as he was going out. I explained that I had a meeting until 7, and he said we would speak then.

I am now getting the silent treatment. Literally nothing. He is getting my messages and ignoring my calls. I now think his reassurances this morning we’re sarcasic, but I literally don’t know anymore.

I can’t take this much more. Part of me wants to resolve it, another part wants out. He is the main earner, and whilst I don’t need masses of money we rely on him. I can’t go back to working round the clock.

What do I do? Both in terms of our relationship, and any potential separation?

Am honestly devastated.

[tallwivglasses]

This sounds like an awful way to live, OP. Why on earth does he want to be in touch so often?

[GertrudeCB]

He just loves making you suffer doesn't he? What a headfuck

[AnyFucker]

He doesn't even like you. Why are you with him ?

[topcat2014]

I text DW at lunch time - usually "how are things?". She usually replies "Fine" then I get on with my day.

Who needs more than that?

(apart from when unusual things are ocurring)

[GertrudeCB]

It's emotional abuse.

[topcat2014]

Granted, I would speak in the evening if away etc.

[Notebook11]

He misses us. His work is difficult and can be lonely. We miss him too, it’s just that it feels like a line crossed between staying in touch, control and tbh I think he is angry at me for something. I think this is just the symptom of something else. I don’t know what.

I feel like he set me up today. Also found out from the DC that he said goodnight to them earlier by phoning up my DM who looked after them tonight. I am pretty certain that means he’s deliberately ignoring me and not just fallen asleep- he doesn’t want to talk to me. This is it, though- I don’t know anything for sure, I just have to guess.

I have had a knot for of anxiety over this since yesterday. I think I need to get some legal advice. This is awful.

[GertrudeCB]

My dh has had to work away , he never pulled this shit.

[GertrudeCB]

And Id bet my bottom dollar that he WANTS you to feel anxious.

[Missingstreetlife]

Ignore him, let him call you when he's in a better mood.
You need a serious talk when he's home

[RedastheRose]

Sorry but that level of contact isn't because he misses you it's all about control. He is being emotionally abusive, the silent treatment is a particularly nasty form of punishment for you for not saying how high the minute he says jump! Please read up about controlling behaviour and emotional abuse.

[Maelstrop]

He sounds very controlling. Why is he so insistent on you contacting him so much? Either he gets his way or he throws massive strops? It's no way to live. Mine was arsey at me not answering several questions today via text, but I was back to back oral exam, 10 minutes to go up two floors, tidy my room and eat lunch. He was told this and didn't strop because he's an adult.

[bastardkitty]

I would wonder what he gets up to when he's away from home that means he feels the need to be such a cunt to you, but irrespective of that, he is emotionally abusive and a massive headworker. No one should live like this. I bet you're on edge all the time.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Why does he need you to be constantly in touch I don't understand?

[SweetChickadee]

He misses you? Funny way of showing it.

He's behaving like a child.

[AnyFucker]

Such a level of control makes me think projection tbh

[Moussemoose]

Sulking is controlling and abusive. My DP and I struggle with his sulking it is a real issue in our relationship.

When he is 'out' of a sulk he can see how horrible it is but when he is 'in' a sulk it's like he is a different person. DP says he justifies the sulk - in his own mind - by claiming that he is not 'doing anything'.

Do not allow him to minimise. This is very calculating controlling behaviour.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

The way you're living isn't sustainable. What would it be like if he worked in your home area all the time? Does the thought of seeing him every day fill your heart with joy?

[Flyinggeese]

Generally sound awful and too much like hard work, but re this evening, he said speak about 7 but your post was only one hour after so how many calls and messages have been sent between 7 and 8? It's only been an hour, he might be doing something and will call later?

[Notebook11]

Gertrude, I have been in denial about this but I think you are right.

[Flyinggeese]

Sorry if I've misunderstood by the way. Silent treatment is just one hour?

That aside though, the whole relationship sounds so fraught. I'm really sorry you're experiencing this.

[Secretsout]

Get rid of him notebook it's abuse. I should know, I've just had nearly 30 years of it. Being made to feel like I was never good enough, him building me up, encouraging me to change careers, only to put it down when it didn't meet his expectations.

And prepare yourself that when you do eventually bin him, his abusive behaviour and sulking will escalate to a whole new level. Get your ducks in a row and escape.

[Whoneedsaman]

You sound incredibly anxious. I've been in this same situation, I've also had a high paying, incredibly stressful job (because he bullied me into accepting it) but then when I tried to do the work, out of hours, business functions etc. I'd get masses of silent treatment and non verbal communication/insinuations. This made me so anxious that I developed a skin condition from stress and was always too stressed to spend time with DD. I had to leave that job in the end, for a lower paying job that I was much happier in because I wasn't under his spotlight as much (office full of ladies, no long hours or business functions). Then DH said he was embarrassed to tell his friends what I did for a job!! Fuck wit!! Anyway, long story short, I have been researching his behaviour. He was/is emotionally abusive in exactly the same way that you are describing. After reading up on it I have learnt that I am a victim of Narcissistic abuse. It's awful, read up on it, or look on you tube, there's loads of help about narcissistic abuse on there. Oh, and yes, he was also projecting. I discovered he'd been shagging a girl from work 20 years his junior as well!!!
Get out whilst you're still strong enough. I let shit head abuse me for 13 years and I have got very deep scars.

[Whoneedsaman]

Secret I'm sorry you have had to suffer this sort of abuse too. Notebook, get out and be strong. It will be worth it.

[Notebook11]

Sorry, should have explained about the silent treatment tonight. He is a few hours ahead of me and we agreed to speak after 7. We always try to have a chat with my DCs and me, a chance for him to say goodnight to them and for us to have a good chat about our day.

An hour isn't a long time, I know, but the point is that it was our window to speak. He may have fallen asleep. But I doubt it, because I think he refused my calls, and he called my DM to say goodnight to the girls. That tells me that he is ignoring me.