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What counts as cheating in your book?

(24 Posts)
MummyMuppet2x2 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:27:58

Just that really.
Where's your personal line which cannot be crossed.
Do any of you have a partner whose idea of cheating is different to yours? How do you come to an understanding?

Ferret2018london Mon 04-Dec-17 13:34:24

I lay it out from the very beginning. I explain to them what I would consider a betrayal and they explain theirs etc. You have to set the bar on how you want to be treated early on as well as listen to your partners.

Personally, any form of behavior with someone of the opposite sex that they wouldn't feel comfortable telling me about is a bit 'iffy'. Absolutely no hiding anything, if something 'happens' it must be disclosed immediately for any chance of repair or moving forward. If he exchanged numbers with a woman it would be extremely hurtful and damaging to our relationship but I wouldn't call it 'cheating'. I'd call it, setting up the path way for cheating!

But 'cheating' is any form of physical touch from a mouth kiss upwards in my books.

Any forms of 'sexting' with another woman would be bordering on it and be a huge betrayal. But 'cheating' has always resonated as a more physical act to me.

What's your definition?

PNGirl Mon 04-Dec-17 13:40:08

Exchanging either messages or physical contact that they wouldn't be happy for me to see.

Myheartbelongsto Mon 04-Dec-17 13:41:45

If he's doing anything with anyone else that he should only be doing with me really.

If he doesn't want me to see it or know about it he's already crossed a line.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 04-Dec-17 13:43:55

I agree with PN.

If you feel the need to hide it from me then it’s crossed the line.

Be it messages, physical actions or both.

Smeaton Mon 04-Dec-17 13:48:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babyblues052 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:53:04

Yep I agree with PNGirl if he is having conversations or contact he feels he needs to hide.

Something that crosses the line from friends to more than that could be anything from a message to something physical such as a kiss.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 14:07:33

Acting on feelings of attraction in a way that is disloyal to the relationship; spending time, sharing feelings, messages, physical contact, could be anything at all.

I therefore prefer the term ‘unfaithful’ as cheating feels more limited to actual sex IMO.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 14:10:25

For example, there is a difference between finding the server in a coffee shop attractive and going in said coffee shop every day trying to initiate some kind of social relationship because you find said server attractive.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 14:12:26

The former is being human, the latter is a sign you are a faithless person.

Codlet Mon 04-Dec-17 14:17:04

To me, there are two different questions in your OP - how to define cheating, and how to define acceptable behaviour in a relationship. So cheating might have quite a specific physical definition to one party in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can do everything but that and it’s fine - because your behaviour (inappropriate texting, or flirting, or whatever) could still come under the other heading of unacceptable behaviour. Do you see what I mean? Im trying to say, don’t get hung up on the definition, if something makes you unhappy then say so.

yetmorecrap Mon 04-Dec-17 15:09:15

You have to be careful about messaging too that is deleted/not disclosed. I had an episode of this with DH, wasn’t cheating, was more about embarrassed at the amount of it , and didn’t have the balls to say to other person to cut it back/out and knew it would piss me off

Leftforemotionalaffair Mon 04-Dec-17 16:21:17

My husband had a emotional affair and I consider it cheating. It was messages and phone calls, not even sexting but still cheating. He became addicted to her and convinced he was in love with her and they did kiss a couple of times. It was all about the messages though, the thrill of the attention, being told he was special and other bs, she said all the right things and he fell for it. It is almost worse than sex to me. The kissing didn’t bother me but the infatuation almost destroyed me

upanddown1 Mon 04-Dec-17 16:28:22

Yes Leftforemotionalaffair I agree with you, it is that they feel they are in a special relationship with someone else. Because then that means they are wishing they weren't with you, which is the problem...

Kissing - I have let that go before now. Flirting over text - also let go. Possibly more thinking about it, although suspicions rather than anything else

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 16:52:27

I agree. My ex made a big deal of the fact that he ‘hadn’t cheated’ because he claimed they had never even kissed.

In reality he was ‘in love’ with her for two years, she was not interested in him. He had professed feelings a number of times and been rebuffed every time and then spent two years virtually spending every waking moment with her. She exploited his infatuation to get him doing extra voluntary work for her so as well as working with her every day in his job he was volunteering for her every evening and all weekend. He would drive her all over the country whenever she wanted him to because she didn’t drive.

He stood me up for her all the time, he was at her beck and call 24/7, he followed her round like a lapdog (ignoring me completely), messed with her hair in front of me, repeatedly made up lies (i’m going to the shop/do you want a drink?/etc) so he could get alone time with her by following her outside when she went to smoke when I was around, he would get enraged if I ever tried to point out she was using him etc

He would constantly lie to me about being with her; said he was at work when in reality he had taken the day off to have a day out with her, tell me he was in a totally different place doing a totally different thing when he was actually with her, took our dog out to show off to her, was texting her cute anecdotes about my kids, spent every date (the very few times he wasn’t with her) texting her and when I asked him to put his phone down he told me he wouldn’t because I was boring....

I said to him once ‘Look, I would prefer it if you were having rampant sex because then at least one of us would be getting something out of this horrendous situation’

VioletHaze Mon 04-Dec-17 17:00:50

Anything that changes me from his partner in crime, into the police.

Having said that, I'm pretty laid back about most things - he has female friends, hangs out with friends one on one, has hobbies I don't, I don't have access to his phone or social media - but that's not because he's hiding anything, if you see what I mean. He'll meet a friend for lunch and then come home and gossip with me about what is happening with her, and if I'm in the area I'll join them, and it's not a big deal.

I also have friends in open relationships where sex isn't cheating, but other stuff might be - like lying, or doing certain acts etc. That also makes sense to me. The cheating isn't a single definite line - it's about breaching the boundaries of a relationship, and those boundaries can vary for every couple.

changemyname1 Mon 04-Dec-17 19:50:47

Offred

That's awful, it would definitely been the deal breaker for me.

SaturdayNightAtTheMovies Mon 04-Dec-17 20:30:53

To me cheating is anything you wouldn't tell your partner about or anything that you know they wouldn't like.

It's not about the nature of the act, the feelings or the contact per se, it's about the betrayal, the lack of respect and the crossing of another person's boundaries; whether you agree with them or not.

If someone has boundaries that are different to yours or that you disagree with, then you discuss it and compromise or you don't pursue a relationship with that person. But you don't ignore them because you don't want to follow them.

CoyoteCafe Mon 04-Dec-17 21:26:52

I have to be the number 1 woman in his life and best female friend, as well as only sexual partner. He has to be rigorously honest. He’s on a very short leash because he once destroyed my ability to trust him.

He can embrace this or we can transition to being co- parents. There’s really no negotiating on this. Either he cares how I feel and wants me to feel safe, or he doesn't. If another woman is more important to him than me feeling safe, I’m done.

I’m not saying these should be anybody else’s rules.

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 04-Dec-17 21:30:59

Anything you needed to hide or omit or lie about is cheating. I'd even go so far as to say that I consider disloyalty a form of cheating because if you're not giving 100% to your unit, you shouldn't be in it.

Everyone smiles at handsome folk, everyone sees Charlize Theron and thinks "ooooosh" but there's a definite line and, once crossed, there's no way to recover the absolute unconditional love you have before it happens. You might be able to patch it up, you might be able to paper over the cracks. But for me the mark of a 'good' relationship is that those 'cracks' aren't there because neither party is looking elsewhere.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 22:43:55

Change - he constantly raged at me that I was ‘crazy/controlling/oversensitive’ I even got referred for CBT so I could ‘learn to see reality’ i.e. that he wasn’t doing things he was doing...

He denied denied denied until he finally admitted the truth (once she’d screwed him over and he realised I had been right all along... 🤯).

Mad thing was that I never asked or policed him, he used to volunteer lies and then when I discovered lies and got upset he’d MASSIVELY kick off.

Fairenuff Mon 04-Dec-17 22:45:19

Anything he wouldn't do in front of me.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 22:45:34

Oh and my personal favourite; after he admitted it he was angry with me for being upset about his ‘private feelings’... shock

I said ‘if you want your feelings to be ‘private feelings’ don’t be so bloody obvious and disrespectful to me!’

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 22:47:33

But oh no, again I didn’t have a right to be upset or feel betrayed because he ‘hadn’t cheated’ and I ‘should know’ he ‘would never cheat’....

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