Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Red flags or just desperation?

(22 Posts)
gaspingforair Mon 04-Dec-17 12:41:24

Dp broke up with me a little while ago. Last night he sat me down and basically begged me to get back with him, made me all sorts of promises and grand statements about things he was going to do for me (buy me X, take me to Y, do Z for me, etc).

I was still saying no but then his mood changed and he started threatening, saying he would kill himself (this is not an empty threat, he has tried it many times in the past although not since we've been together). He also said if I got with anyone else he would kill either one or both of us.

Fwiw he has no history of violence and has not been abusive or anything in the past.

I sort of just passed it off as being desperate ramblings and convinced myself he didn't really mean it and I did eventually agree to get back together with him. But I am genuinely scared of the 'what ifs'. What if he does kill himself? What if I do get with someone else and he ends up getting hurt because of me? I couldn't live with either of those things on my conscience, it would eat away at me forever knowing it was my fault.

Was it just meaningless? Or do I need to be worried? No idea what to do now.

Chaosofcalm Mon 04-Dec-17 12:47:29

Ring his GP and pass on your concerns. If he is sucidical he needs medical support.

As for the threat to you as well also contact the police. If you think he or him are in immediate danger then ring 999.

Do you live together?

gaspingforair Mon 04-Dec-17 13:08:38

Yes we do live together.

I don't think he has a gp as such, he hasn't been to the doctor in years and the last time he did was in a completely different area. I wouldn't have a clue who to call.

He has been on anti depressants in the past but not for at least 5 years. He has had counselling but it has not really helped and nothing recently.

I feel like I am responsible for his mental health. If we are together = he is fine, happy and stable.
If we are apart = suicidal and depressed. I don't want him to be that way because of me.

I don't think anyone is in immediate danger but I worry what he would do if I said I didn't want to be with him anymore.

DevilScope Mon 04-Dec-17 13:11:22

He told you he would kill one or both of you? If that is correct, PLEASE call the police right now.

Gemini69 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:14:28

I did eventually agree to get back together with him

you DID hmm

or am I misunderstanding...

littlemisscomper Mon 04-Dec-17 13:16:44

Is this thread a wind up? confused

gaspingforair Mon 04-Dec-17 13:17:02

Devil yes that is correct.

Yes Gemini, he calmed down as soon as I agreed to get back together. I don't feel anyone is in danger now.

BarbarianMum Mon 04-Dec-17 13:17:08

So are you planning to be his hostage for the rest of his life? Worried to say this, or do that, or go there in case he tops himself? That's madness.

You are not responsible for his mental health.
You cannot make him seek or cooperate with medical help.
You cannot keep him alive if he doesn't want to be alive.

Move out and cut contact with him. If he harms himself it is down to him not you.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 04-Dec-17 13:21:17

You can't make someone else happy. You just can't. They are responsible for their own happiness. What happens if he ramps it up and says he'll kill himself if you don't....have sex every single day/lick his boots clean/walk around the house naked/give him all your money?

If he's suicidal, that's on him, either to get help or to carry out. Get away, and mean it.

Gemini69 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:21:53

so he used Murder/Suicide to coerce you into staying in the relationship.... hmm

and you consider this as being...... I don't feel anyone is in danger now

the Danger is very much still there... all you need to do is upset him...

gaspingforair Mon 04-Dec-17 13:23:49

I can't move out on my own, I can't afford it. The only place I could stay he would know exactly where I was and I don't want to bring anyone else into this fucked up situation, it wouldn't be fair on them.

I know I shouldn't be responsible for his mental health. But if we break up he will tell everyone exactly why he is hurting himself and they will all hate me. I can't let his family lose a son/father/brother etc because of me.

timeistight Mon 04-Dec-17 13:24:53

In answer to your original question, big red flags, fluttering in the breeze.

He is an adult and you are not responsible for him. Your first duty is to keep yourself safe.

BarbarianMum Mon 04-Dec-17 13:36:43

<<I can't move out on my own, I can't afford it.>>
<<I don't want to bring anyone else into this fucked up situation>>
<<if we break up he will tell everyone exactly why he is hurting himself and they will all hate me>>
<<I can't let his family lose a son/father/brother etc because of me.>>

Any other excuses? You are seriously going to stay in a hugely disfunctional and possibly dangerous relationship because it's cheaper and less embarrassing? Really? Best crack on then. hmm

FizzyGreenWater Mon 04-Dec-17 13:40:28

What the fuck?!

So someone threatens to kill you if you don't get back with them and you think the solution to that is to say 'Ok, let's be in love again!'

You are very much in danger. I have no idea whether your posts simply indicate that you're in shock over this, but you need to get away from him. He is at worst utterly dangerous. At best he is emotionally manipulative and a horrible, twisted person to be in a relationship with. You also don't want to be in a relationship with him, presumably for good reasons.

Yes I would absolutely report his threat to the police. And work out how to leave.

gaspingforair Mon 04-Dec-17 13:48:01

I think I've just gone numb fizzy. It's easier that way.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Dec-17 13:51:07

Ok... YOU need some serious counselling.
You absolutely cannot be with this person.
He has MH issues.
Unless you are a MH professional there is NOTHING you can do to help him.
Enabling him will make all of this far worse.
YOU are not responsible for another grown ups happiness.
That has to come from them.
Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you with a safe exit plan.
In the meantime, call 101 and tell them about the threats of suicide and of murder. Because that's what he is threatening here.
This is HIS problem to solve.
Do not be manipulated any further by this abusive scumbag.
Make a plan to get out and do it.
If he kills himself it is NOT on you. It is NOT your fault.
That would be HIS choice and HIS actions!!!!
Lots of good advice on THIS THREAD

Bumshkawahwah Mon 04-Dec-17 14:12:39

This is not right. You can't live the rest of your life with someone who is going to emotionally manipulate you into doing whatever they want. Okay, so agreeing to get back together with him was a mistake, but you can still rectify this.

You can't sacrifice yourself for ever for someone else. Please reconsider being in this relationship. He's threatened you into getting back with him, and it just makes me wonder how much further this will go.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 04-Dec-17 14:13:39

Can you talk to his family about it? Do you really think that other people would say that you had to stay forever with their son in case he killed himself?

FizzyGreenWater Mon 04-Dec-17 14:14:53

No it isn't easier. It's not easier and it's not sustainable.

So you are not going to have children ever, for instance. In case he threatens to kill them too, obviously. Unless he demands that you have children, or he'll kill you for that instead. So you do have them.

One of about a billion examples of how you can't live like this.

You need to get away from this person, even if you have to go to a refuge or take leave from your job and go and stay with family or friends. It is that bad. It is about the rest of your life. Yes of course you can do it, because compared to possibly being murdered if you step out of line, no other consideration is more important. It would quite literally be better to be in a refuge with nothing than dead.

Please, wait until he is out, pack your things, and go. If you have trusted family or friends who will help please call on them. Let them help you get your things sorted and go.

The chances are that he is 'bluffing' - as in, saying things to frighten you into staying. But the kind of person who threatens this is just massively dangerous whether or not they intend to kill you. It indicates that he has no filter. No logic. That he is absolutely abusive. If he can keep you in line by threats he will, but a person capable of saying this is the kind of person capable of losing their rag, eventually, and strangling you. It's so easy to do...

You need to take action to absolutely stop this dead. By staying there, numb, that threat becomes the new reality. You stay or you die. Absolutely NO. Get out, go to the police and tell them his threat. They will take action and the chances are that this nasty piece of work will have the shock of his life at being visited and asked by the cops about his threats to kill. The chances are that he'll slink out of your life with his tail between his legs and never contact you again.

Anatidae Mon 04-Dec-17 14:15:37

Good grief.
He’s threatened to kill himself , you and a possible future boyfriend?


MorrisZapp Mon 04-Dec-17 14:19:10

Are you asking us if your partners threat to kill you is a red flag?

No, it's not a red flag. It's a direct threat and probably a criminal offence.

Please never see him again.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 04-Dec-17 18:00:59

He threatened to kill you so you got back with him.

Stop talking to him about splitting up. Move out secretly. Call the police and tell them about the threats to kill you. That way if you have to call them they will turn up with a higher priority.

So what if you move to.somewhere where he can find you? You can still block him.

As soon as you've gone, message him to say so and ask him not to contact you. Immediately after, tell his family you are splitting up due to his bad behaviour including death threats. This means you can't have any contact with him, you hope they'll be able to offer him support but obviously in the circumstances you will be blocking all contact, will involve police if he comes near you, will call an ambulance/police to his house if he says he's going to kill himself. Then you actually do all of that.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: