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I'm fed up of apologising already!!

(20 Posts)
SharkiraSharkira Mon 04-Dec-17 12:23:21

Very long back story but the important facts are these:

Dp broke up with me about 3/4 weeks ago.

I have been still living with him because I couldn't afford to move out yet but staying the the spare room. Things have been cordial but a bit distant (understandably) between us.

I met a guy on a night out and we exchanged numbers and have been chatting ever since. We get on really well and have loads in common.

Dp eventually realised that he didn't really want to break up with me has just been feeling depressed. He wanted to get back together but I said I wasn't sure because he has made and broken a lot of promises to me before and I didn't know whether we would work if you got back together or just break up again.

I went out the other night and ended up meeting up with the other guy and stayed over at his. We slept together. I felt a bit odd about it because I do obviously still have feelings for Dp but I also liked this other guy and because Dp and I were broken up I didn't really feel like I was doing anything wrong. I didn't intend for Dp to find out though as I knew it would just hurt him and I didn't think there was any need for him to know.

When I got home Dp went mad and has been going around telling everyone that I've cheated on him (even though we were broken up!) because apparently he had got it into his head that we were back together even though I said no.

I have apologised profusely because I could see that dp was really hurt and I did feel bad about that.

We have spent a lot of time talking and crying and agreed to give our relationship one last try. Clean slate, new start. Except Dp is expecting me to grovel and beg for his forgiveness when I actually don't feel I've done anything wrong! Obviously I am sorry that dp got hurt in the process but I didn't cheat and I'm already fed up of him bringing it up and berating me for it.

Am I in the wrong? I probably am tbh my head is all over the place sad

hesterton Mon 04-Dec-17 12:28:01

Yeah you did do something wrong. You don't 'end up sleeping together ', you choose to sleep together. You make it sound like an accidental tumble onto a cock. You did it - that's fine - but own it and accept you wouldn't have done it if you weren't at the end of the road with your marriage. Time to move on.

hesterton Mon 04-Dec-17 12:28:33

And no more grovelling.

kaitlinktm Mon 04-Dec-17 12:30:12

Are you sure you want to get back together with him? If so, then you will have to make it clear that it won't work if he keeps harping back to something you did when you were separated - emphasise that you had said no to reconciliation at that point.

IMO you didn't cheat - and I think that by apologising even once you have made him feel he is in the right.

Speaking for myself, I couldn't put up with this - he sounds needy and entitled.

Babyblues052 Mon 04-Dec-17 12:30:14

I wouldn't be getting back together with him until he can accept that this happened and you were broken up when it happened. Other wise he will bring it up and use it against you for the rest of your relationship and I bet it'll break you up eventually.

Smarshian Mon 04-Dec-17 12:33:28

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong but perhaps you could have been a little more thoughtful of dp (which you accept). If you feel he will hold this against you then I would seriously consider whether you want to continue your relationship.

Joysmum Mon 04-Dec-17 12:33:55

yes you did something wrong.

You only broke up 3 weeks ago and he’s realised he’d made a mistake and wanted to get back with you and you left him with hope as you didn’t say no. You are relying on him to house you still and so hadn’t made a clean break. Within 4 weeks you’ve slept with someone else despite him housing you and thinking you may get back together. It’s no wonder he’s pissed off.

Joysmum Mon 04-Dec-17 12:35:38

Oh and you’re ‘fed up of apologising already!’ hmm

Get your shit together and get out of his life as quickly as you can.

magoria Mon 04-Dec-17 12:41:33

You were not in a relationship so you can sleep with anyone you want to.

If you have agreed a new start with a clean slate then that includes this.

Stop apologising. Tell him to deal with it or end your relationship.

AdalindSchade Mon 04-Dec-17 12:41:39

You shouldn't have slept with someone else while you were still living with XP only 3 weeks after breaking up. That was tacky.

Are you sure you want to be back with him?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 04-Dec-17 12:42:24

If your relationship was bad enough to break up in the first place, this new development will just add more shit to the storm.

kaitlinktm Mon 04-Dec-17 12:46:59

You see, I don't agree with this:

You shouldn't have slept with someone else while you were still living with XP only 3 weeks after breaking up. That was tacky.

Partly because of this:

he had got it into his head that we were back together even though I said no.

But mostly because it's not for others to say someone is being tacky if they are single. She wanted to sleep with someone, she was free to do so, so she did.

The only thing I would say is that if you were ready for another relationship/fling, perhaps your heart isn't in the reconciliation.

SharkiraSharkira Mon 04-Dec-17 12:54:03

Tbh no I'm not sure. But I couldn't stand seeing him so sad and hurt. I hate that I am responsible for that. That was the only way I felt like I could make it better at the time.

Hesterton we are not and have never been married. Hence Dp, not DH.

We have broken up several times before, it is always him who does it and always him who eventually wants to get back together because he realises he has made a mistake. He outright asked me if I wanted to get back together and I did say no. I'm tired. It isn't always about what he wants, or it shouldn't be. But I keep hoping that things will change.

I only carried on living there because I have nowhere else to go and no money to move out yet. No family or friends to stay with.

I accept I shouldn't have slept with the other guy at this point. Not because it was 'wrong' but because I should have made a clean break first. I should have foreseen problems afterwards but I was drunk and stupid.

Southerntimesx Mon 04-Dec-17 12:58:36

Surprised at some of these responses. How long are you supposed to wait after someone finishes with you to sleep with someone else? OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Definitely stop apologising. Also, if he's always breaking up with you I would call his bluff this time and refuse to get back together with him, otherwise he'll continue to mess with your head and your life. What a tosser.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 04-Dec-17 13:01:10

It was up to you if you slept with the other guy. But it sounds like the fact that you did, will just be another stick for your DP to beat you with. These to and fro relationships must be absolutely exhausting. A waste of time, energy and emotions.

AdalindSchade Mon 04-Dec-17 13:04:20

You're being bullied and manipulated into getting back with him.

FleagleBingoDrooperSnork Mon 04-Dec-17 13:06:10

Wasn't this an episode of Friends? grin

user1493413286 Mon 04-Dec-17 13:12:42

It’s a good cover for him to hide behind - he’s the one who broke up with you, hurting you and altering your life massively etc in the process and if you hadn’t slept with this guy he’d be the one who would be in the wrong if you look at it as who is wrong/right but by focusing on you sleeping with someone else he manage to escape all that. He may not realise that he’s doing it but it’s a shitty thing for him to do.
He broke up with you, you continued your life, you did something while you were hurting that you now regret. End of. You haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve apologised that he’s been hurt.
Tell him to drop it or you two can’t move forward

Aussiebean Mon 04-Dec-17 13:17:05

You told him you didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and you didn’t bring the guy home and had sex in the room next to his.

You are a single adult who had consensual sex.

What exactly are you apologising for and why have you allowed this to mean he gets to decide you are back in a relationship you don’t want to be in?

Ferret2018london Mon 04-Dec-17 13:19:29

If the *only reason you were still living with him was because you had no where else to go. And you actively sought out someone else to sleep with. Why would you consider getting back together? If it was the other way around and he still lived with you as he couldn't find anywhere else to go, you wanted to get back together and then he slept with a woman on a night out and came back to your place like no big deal?

Do you genuinely see this relationship as a long term thing? Constantly breaking up, sleeping with others and only seeing each other because you haven't found another apartment?

For me, it almost sounds destructive for both of you and any little ones involved (if there is any).

Sometimes the best way to look at it is: If a friend was telling you this exact story, what advice would you give her? - Mine would be, leave. He doesn't need this in his life, nore do you.

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