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One final event with ex, THIS is one reason I am happy to be divorcing him.

(55 Posts)
ravenmum Mon 04-Dec-17 11:26:59

Split up with ex 2014, he is happily off with OW, I'm living in house with big kids until next year,

Next weekend is ds's 18th birthday party (birthday on Weds, party Sat). The last event I'll be hosting for ex's extended family (mine all live abroad). I thought we had it all sorted out. Agreed on the phone that he'd take his family out for tea Sat. afternoon, then I'd have them for evening meal. Nine of them coming down for the weekend, plus us four.

Came out yesterday that he's forgotten all this and expected me to have his family round for tea too. So I'd have them from 4 to 11 p.m., bake/buy cakes for them, then make dinner for 13 in the kitchen while they all sat in the living room for 7 hours.

When I say he was supposed to be doing tea elsewhere he gets angry because, he says, he can't afford to take out all his family for tea. (His flat is tiny, too small.) He's adamant that we agreed things the way he remembers, though the kids see it like me too. Once again I regret not having agreed on something in writing so I can prove it later. He acts as if I'm being the difficult one here and cannot see/admit that he might be hard work. Does not see that him complaining about paying for his family's tea makes him a CF of the highest order considering how I am putting myself out and also paying for his family (dinner on Sat and half of another expensive event on Sun).

Now agreed on a compromise that he buys cake himself, but his family will still be here all bloody afternoon and evening, 13 people in one not especially large living room. His dad is an insufferable bighead and will laugh at "us" for being so poorly organised. Like he did our entire marriage.

Any suggestions for what I can say to my FIL when he starts chuckling patronisingly about how "we" didn't organise this well?

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 11:34:11

I’d think; ‘I wasn’t expecting to have to cater for you. I’ve stepped in at the last minute because ex is apparently too cheap to pay for your dinner as he had agreed to. If you don’t like it you can fuck off’

I’d do; sarcastically smile sweetly and say ‘oh yeah you know us! SOOOOO disorganised’ 🙃

But I’m struggling to see why you have allowed ex to land you in it. If you don’t want his family there for hours couldn’t you just have repeated to ex ‘dinner will be at [x time] I will not be doing any other catering. Your family are welcome from [y time] it is up to you to sort out what is happening prior to this.’

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 11:37:10

And if necessary don’t open the door to them earlier than the agreed time then front it out with ‘oh silly ex, we agreed I would do supper’...

ravenmum Mon 04-Dec-17 11:37:25

I've allowed him to do it because I still, very annoyingly, always feel like he is right and I must be the difficult one, until I think it over later and realise what is what!

Angelf1sh Mon 04-Dec-17 11:37:51

My initial response would be “fuck off” but that’s probably not helpful. Given that you’re never going to have to see these people again (you’re kids are old enough to go themselves) I’d probably just ignore them/take advantage of the fact that you need to spend time in the kitchen, purely so as not to upset your son (I wouldn’t worry about upsetting them, they clearly don’t worry about you)

Tinselistacky Mon 04-Dec-17 11:39:01

Surely he has had 18 years to get prepared /save for the event??

ravenmum Mon 04-Dec-17 11:40:37

Plus I got bogged down in explaining to him why he was being cheeky, while he turned my words round and made it sound like I was saying something totally different. It is like having a conversation in the House of Commons.

Tinselistacky Mon 04-Dec-17 11:41:53

Email his dm /df and suggest they discuss with their ds what arrangements HE is making for their visit.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 11:42:05

Could you go back to ex and say, ‘look I’ve given this more thought and I’m absolutely positive that I didn’t agree to this and it is too short notice to change the plans. Your finances are not my problem and neither are your family. They will be welcome from [x time] for supper as originally agreed but what you organise to do with them before this is up to you. I will not be catering for or entertaining 13 people on Saturday.’

misscph1973 Mon 04-Dec-17 11:42:38

I know it's hard, but just ignore your FIL. He wants your reaction. Don't give it to him.

I'm getting divorced, and a huge relief is that I can just tell myself "I'ts not my problem" with the in-laws. Just keep telling yourself that, it's not your problem, it's your ex who has an awful DF, you no longer have a FIL. His opinion does not matter anymore.

ravenmum Mon 04-Dec-17 11:42:45

These are all good points smile.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 11:47:10

And he’s the one expecting you to provide a catering/entertainment service for HIS family. Surely it is him that ‘should have got it in writing’...

Anatidae Mon 04-Dec-17 11:50:03

To FIL: blank look and ‘We..? You mean exP?’

To exP: ‘as we agreed previously, family are welcome from x to x. I will not be in earlier.’

ravenmum Mon 04-Dec-17 11:55:26

I'm stuck with them now really, as the kids know the plans, and our son hates arguments.

Yes, he should have to "prove" it, why do I always blame myself. Argh, it is so obvious.

Went out with Mr Super Unsuitable Red Flags Galore Casual Boyfriend this weekend and once again he was being all thoughtful. Doesn't even seem to be an act, he does it with everyone. My standards have clearly been incredibly low.

JingsMahBucket Mon 04-Dec-17 11:55:58

There's still a week before the event. You can call him back and tell him to take his family out for lunch. This has nothing to do with you. You are not in the wrong. He's being manipulative. You do not have to agree to any of this and you can change your mind about relenting. He changed his mind about his own responsibilities!

barefoofdoctor Mon 04-Dec-17 11:57:40

Well it's kind of you hosting them so CF ex can get his hand in his pocket for the food bill unless he wants lunch to consist of value beans on toast. What a weasel of a man.

Offred Mon 04-Dec-17 12:04:43

Well could you just provide the planned food a bit earlier and tell ex that is what you are doing and if there isn’t enough that he will have to sort out feeding them later? Hopefully that way they won’t be there until 11pm!

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 04-Dec-17 12:08:07

I don't understand why they would need 2 meals between the time of 4pm and 11pm.

Just tell them there is one meal at say 7pm with cake for dessert.

They are welcome from 6 onwards

Mintychoc1 Mon 04-Dec-17 12:08:12

OP, what are his family expecting? Were they expecting the same as you? Or hadn't they been told?

I would suggest e-mailing them in advance, and saying "last minute change of plan, your son says he can't afford to take you out for tea so you're all coming to my place instead. I'll do the best i can at short notice but it'll be a bit chaotic, as you can imagine". That should at least keep ex-FIL quiet if he wants to have a dig about lack of organisation.

mamas12 Mon 04-Dec-17 12:11:13

You poor thing, I understand the position you've got yourself I to so now think about it again and respond by email
This won't be fair or enjoyable for your dcs especially for the birthday child, they will be stressed so
I suggest emailing him informing him of what the itinerary will be, have a quick little chat with dcs if you think it would be helpful,
keep it to original plans and don't engage wi any sort of discussion
Just keep it short and simple by email don't answer the phone to him
This will be hRd but greatly liberating at the same time

BitOutOfPractice Mon 04-Dec-17 12:12:34

No fucking way would I be doing any of that.

And I get on really well with my exH

tribpot Mon 04-Dec-17 12:13:33

If your FIL gives you any grief I think I'd just say "we don't arrange things as a couple any more. We've been separated for three years, you know".

You realise of course he didn't forget the plan at all. It was simply too inconvenient and expensive for him to host his part himself, when he could 'forget' and have you pick up the pieces for him. This is despite the fact you were already picking up the majority of the work, cooking an evening meal for 13.

Now agreed on a compromise that he buys cake himself

Not sure how that's a compromise given that would surely have been the absolute least he could do, even if the plan had been for you to host. What are the odds he 'forgets' on the day and says that you were meant to get them?

Dagnabit Mon 04-Dec-17 12:17:22

If they need lunch then surely they can buy their own without your ex having to foot the bill?! Otherwise, agree with PP, bring the evening meal forward and just provide that. If they get hungry later on, they can fuck off for a bag of chips.

becotide Mon 04-Dec-17 12:18:17

he's using you, and he's gaslighting you to make you thik he's the reasonable one.

this will continue until you stop playing along

FizzyGreenWater Mon 04-Dec-17 12:21:51

To FIL: 'Oh I know. I really can't wait for it to be over, I keep telling myself it's the very last time I pick up the pieces at short notice. Haha I feel like I'll be throwing you to the wolves after this! Another jammy finger?'

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