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Help advice for new relationship

(15 Posts)
MozzchopsThirty Mon 04-Dec-17 09:21:10

I'm feeling hideous sad

Met a guy, been dating 4 weeks and things were going well.
Without going into too much detail all my previous relationships have started with sex, it's as if I'm pre conditioned to think if I can lure a man in with sex then I'll keep him. And in the most part that worked.
My recent ex (3 years) and I had a very unhealthy sexual relationship which ended up in rape at one point.

Anyway new guy, we've spent the night together twice, he said he was very nervous the first time.
Then yesterday I sent him a naughty message and he responded at first and then said he found it odd to message that kind of thing. We spoke on the phone then and he said he's worried he's too straight laced and that he really enjoys sex with me but that he's not comfortable texting about it.

This is all new to me.
Please give me some advice, I really like him

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Dec-17 09:29:19

Was it a naughty words only or pics as well?
If he's not comfortable with that kind of thing then don't do it.
I don't like it either.
Experience has shown me that sending pics over the WWW is a huge mistake and they can be found and you've no idea who will see them.
(not me, my ExP)
He sounds like a good one.
Are you doing OK about the rape though?
Have you had some counselling?
If not then please contact Rape Crisis. They can help you with specialist counselling.
Don't bury it.
But sex is not the be and end all.
It is a healthy part of a good relationship.
So save the dirty talk for the bedroom and save the nude pics for seeing him in person.

Myreputation Mon 04-Dec-17 09:32:18

Well he's told you he doesn't like it so you can't do it again. He has also warned you he is strait-laced so you need to ask yourself is that ok for you? You could tone it down and see how it goes but it does sound like you may not be compatible.

MozzchopsThirty Mon 04-Dec-17 09:56:09

No there were no pics just naughty message.
To be honest I can take or leave sex but I'd always been conditioned to think men needed it.
My exh used to say 'men need sex to feel loved, women need love to want sex'

I haven't had any counselling, I was offered a workshop but due to my line of work it wasn't appropriate.

I would just like a healthy relationship

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Dec-17 12:18:11

Well you like him.
He sounds respectful.
Just take it slow.
Enjoy what you have.
Nobody 'needs' sex.
Most of us 'want' it and there is a difference.
Your Ex, as you now know, what an abusive fucking cock so pay no attention to what he said.
It's time to find your own way.
Not worry about what men want or need or like etc....
You do what makes YOU comfortable.
Not what you THINK everyone else wants.
Have a google of 'co-depenency'
You previous relationships may have left you rather co-dependent.
There is help out there for that.

TammySwansonTwo Mon 04-Dec-17 12:56:00

So the only problem is that he doesn't want to sext but does enjoy having sex with you? I don't see it's an issue to be honest, unless you want to be with someone you can send dirty messages to obviously.

Is it that you're so used to men treating you like a sex object that you're confused when someone doesn't?

I went through a period when I was 20 where four partners assaulted or raped me in a row. After that I was pretty resigned to that sort of behaviour, took a long time for me to figure out it wasn't inevitable. Ended up engaged to the first guy who came along who wasn't very interested in sex - that didn't go so well either. I think my DH is the first healthy sexual relationship I've ever had to be honest.

MozzchopsThirty Mon 04-Dec-17 13:50:00

No of course I don't want to send dirty messages, it's just that it's always been kind of expected.

He's so different to any other man I've dated, very calm and relaxed, he's lovely

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 13:57:26

Honestly? Just stop sending him naughty messages.

And then go with the flow for now.

It's really early days, and he sounds respectful.

Maybe take a step back from sex for a bit. Spend time learning more about each other. Perhaps even suggest a 'sex ban' for a couple of months. But explain to him that it's because you've taken his views on board, and that you like him and would like to get to know him better.

Witchofthenorth Mon 04-Dec-17 16:19:10

I would take it for what it is. I used to have relationships that were very sexual, including naughty messages and pictures. My fiancé now though is not into that sort of thing and that's fine. I don't do that with him and I'm happy with that. We have a great sex life.

He too worries that he was too straight laced for me but I've told him thats rubbish. He is a gentleman and he treats me like a lady.

Not every man expects, enjoy the relationship 😊

user1493413286 Mon 04-Dec-17 16:26:02

It sounds quite healthy for him to bring it up with you when he’s not keen on something. I would try and remember that not every man is the same and attitudes to sex differ.

MozzchopsThirty Mon 04-Dec-17 21:38:44

Thank you for great advice

He messaged today and said 'hey this is new, were learning about each other, it's all good' smile
Maybe I've finally found a good one

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 22:05:52

Glad to hear that Mozz, hope all goes well! smile

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-Dec-17 09:14:55

That's a great message from him.
You may well have finally found a good one.
I'm still looking.
Keep finding out about each other.
Let the relationship develop at a rate you are both happy with.

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears Tue 05-Dec-17 11:51:18

He sounds like a super lovely guy!
Obviously quite different situations as you’ve clearly been in a crappy, abusive relationship and have been led to believe that this is what all men crave....but my other half is super horny all the time and would love me to send naughty pics and talk dirty to him all day, I find it all pretty uncomfortable and cringe worthy, I’ve told him this and he doesn’t expect anything of the sort! We have a decent sex life and I’m no prude, I just don’t think it needs to be hyped up etc before the event.
Just saying, I know where he’s coming from.

MozzchopsThirty Tue 05-Dec-17 15:26:12

Great thanks smile not seeing him until Friday so will see how it goes then

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