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AIBU not stayed over at his despite dating for 15 mths

(13 Posts)
Tygerleopard Mon 04-Dec-17 01:30:36

After end of long marriage and ongoing unpleasant divorce I met someone new. He’s lovely, we’ve loads in common etc. He has sole care of 2 DC (oldest DD 12). ExDW is around, sees them but they never stay at hers.

We’ve been seeing each other for 15 months, kids have known about me for about 12 (I met them about 9 mths ago). We’ve all been on holiday together (my DC, his DC, us). They like me, we get on well.

But I have never stayed over with him when his DCs have been there. I completely get about taking it slowly but feel this has been quite slow. He’s suggested me staying over to his DC but his DD doesn’t like the idea. So I don’t. She is a lovely girl but a real daddy’s girl. He won’t stand up to her and she gets whatever she wants.

We make plans to meet, but if she doesn’t fancy what her mum proposes, she stays home so my boyfriend stays and I don’t see him. He didnt join me at an important function (for me) because she changed her mind at the last minute.

My ex has my DC for NYE and so I was planning to go to his - but I’ve told him I will make other plans if I can’t stay over. A I B U?

TinyPawz Mon 04-Dec-17 01:46:44

Sounds like a tough one. As a single parent myself I was very apprehensive about introducing my Dd to bf. Though once he & decided that we were serious about each other we started slowly introducing them to one another. It has gone brilliant but I was fully prepared for the opposite.

Does his DD hope for her parents to reconcile? Or is she just pulling her fathers strings to see that she still can?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 04-Dec-17 01:53:14

So it's the 12yo who doesn't want to to stay over?

Why does the father have sole care? Is the mother awful somehow? That might explain why DD would have issues with having a woman around full time, even though she likes you.

I'm not sure "he won't stand up to her" is necessary. She's not bullying him. She's a child with an emotional need. Her father needs to deal with that and at the moment he is dealing with it by putting her needs first. You say he's lovely and it sounds like he is. I think you should treasure a dad who puts his children first.

Is there a way you can ease her into it? Does she ever stay over at your house?

RainyApril Mon 04-Dec-17 05:47:54

I agree that it is unusual after such a long time, but there must be reasons why he has his dc full time and he sounds like a great dad. Since you have already issued an ultimatum, you will have your answer soon enough. Either he will prioritise you and talk his dd round for NYE, or he will tell you to spend the evening elsewhere.

category12 Mon 04-Dec-17 06:28:21

I don't see this having legs when you already sound resentful of the dd.

category12 Mon 04-Dec-17 06:28:31

I don't see this having legs when you already sound resentful of the dd.

mindutopia Mon 04-Dec-17 10:28:43

I think his children do have to come first and 12 is still quite young. If his ex won't have them or they don't have a good relationship with her and won't go, he may not feel comfortable leaving a 12 year old home alone at night. I think if they were 16+, that's different, they would be out with their own friends or staying over with friends, etc. But 12 is still very young. When I was a teenage, older than 12, was probably closer to 16/17, my mum had a boyfriend for about a year. He was someone I knew (family friend) and liked. But she never felt comfortable having him stay over when I was there. She sometimes stayed over at his when his dd was away or they went on holiday together. She never asked me what I was comfortable with (not even sure what I would have said to that if she had), but SHE wasn't comfortable bringing a new partner to stay with us. She said she felt like she had plenty of time for that once I was older and she was on her own again, but she wanted our time together to be our time together. It's quite possible your boyfriend feels the same. Either way, his family, his choice. I think though that it's perfectly reasonable to say that you can't come over for NYE if you can't stay the night (presumably you'll be drinking and can't drive yourself home after). Unless your house is a quick walk away and he can walk you home to make sure you get there safely, then I think that's totally understandable that you wouldn't want to do that. NYE is probably a night when equally I imagine his ex has plans and wants to go out and it would be hard to find a babysitter or other adult to come stay with his dd, so I don't think there are really any other options.

But I do think it's reasonable to talk to him about how this is going to work in the future. If he isn't comfortable with you coming over to stay when his kids are there, then how does he plan to work around that? Presumably you can't carry on like this forever, so I would expect him to figure out a solution, nights when dd goes to stay at a friend, another family member or babysitter who could come stay with her the night so he could stay at yours, or you could go away for a weekend, etc?

Tinselistacky Mon 04-Dec-17 10:33:42

You do realise the dd is going to keep you away for at least another 6 years don't you? Find someone who is prepared to make a life with you as a family, you are a gf on the sidelines and I can't see that changing.

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Dec-17 11:26:05

I think 15 months is quite soon. I didn’t introduce my partner to my DC for about 2 years. Children will always have to come first

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 04-Dec-17 11:30:28

Difficult one.

As pointed out above, he does and is putting his children first. I think unfortunately, you're going to have to accept that you are the second priority here.

What was the dynamic like on the family holiday? Sounds quite full on this early in the relationship. Did you and DP share a bed or room?

Maybe his DD feels too much pressure to be a family with a bunch of other people that is beyond her control. Can understand why she would be a bit reluctant.

Unfortunately, this doesn't help your situation. Has DP ever stayed at your place?

Andylion Mon 04-Dec-17 15:07:49

We make plans to meet, but if she doesn’t fancy what her mum proposes, she stays home so my boyfriend stays and I don’t see him. He didnt join me at an important function (for me) because she changed her mind at the last minute.

Could he not have arranged childcare so he could join you for the evening, but go back, without you, after?

CatLady41 Tue 05-Dec-17 02:14:59

I feel for you. I'm sure he believes he's caught in a delicate position. He doesn't want to disappoint either of you. Poor dear, imagine having a mother who doesn't want you to stay over, let alone is willing to giver her Ex sole care. Are you able to share some background about their relationship? It seems so unusual. That must impact the child. If she likes you, have you ever suggested that the two of you do a girls outing together? Perhaps that may help. She'll see that you genuinely like her. It would certainly score you some points with your boyfriend! I don't think you should give up on him, he sounds kind and a loving father. Men who are willing to be actively involved and take care of their children should be supported. So many men are perfectly happy and guilt-free to walk away, or just see their DCs when it's fun, and not do any of the hard day to day work.
What is his other child like? Do your children get along well with his? How was the vacation all together? Would he think the same of your DC that you do of his daughter? Has he slept over at yours with your DCs over? I suppose I have the same questions as everyone else...
We're here for you!

roverman75 Tue 05-Dec-17 03:12:36

As a lone father it's a really tough one to deal with , in my first relationship after splitting with my kids mother they didn't meet my new gf for two years ,at the time my youngest was 11 . I didn't feel it was a good idea ,especially as their mum just walked out of their lives with no contact (have 4 kids ) . I felt they weren't ready ,
I have a feeling from what you've said the poor girl must be confused especially if her mum isn't taking an interest in her she will be clingy , I think you need to get to know her better ,spend time just the two of you .she needs to feel wanted and at the moment it seems it's just her dad that's showing her that. .have patience ,every child is different . I can understand your frustrated but rushing things won't work

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