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Limerence and bad relationships - is there a connection?

(17 Posts)
SleepIsForTheWeek Sun 03-Dec-17 23:37:34

I have a crush. I recognise it as limerence, it's taking over my mind. He's married. We are just friends really. He doesn't know how I feel about him but I obsess over our meetings, what we say, how he acts towards me. This is nothing new. I've been the same over all my crushes since I was a teenager. My crushes have never ever fancied me.
I have had 4 major relationships in my life, including my exH, and they have basically been the same person. Arrogant, self-obsessed men who I have not initially been attracted to but have won me over with charm and dare I say manipulation.
I'm in my mid-40s now and want to stop the cycle, and thanks to lots of counselling have seen the pattern in the men I end up with. I'm not going there again but this is the first person I've been attracted to post-divorce and I'm really disappointed in myself that the old massive-crush-cycle is still happening!
I've never fancied someone and ended up with them. The guys I have fancied have never been interested in me. FFS! -will I ever have a healthy relationship?

OldBook Mon 04-Dec-17 00:43:59

I think the problem with limerance is you don’t see the person for who they are so are more likely to ignore red flags

Reflexella Mon 04-Dec-17 01:03:28

Yes I think there is a link. I guess it’s safe (to some extent) escapism.
With limerence it tends to be someone unavailable.
With me my relationship was so bad I had a limerent crush. When I reflect back - guy I had a crush was a damaged, unpleasant person (someone I wouldn’t usually go anywhere near) but my brain created a fantasy to save itself from the distress of my long term relationship. I think it was like a computer screen saver!
Now I’m single, I look back and see the two situations very much related.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Mon 04-Dec-17 01:16:26

that's a bit of a moot point, OldBook - even though what you say is true - because OP never ends up with then so no red flags then affect her (and she wouldn't even find out if there were any as no relationship follows).

OP I so understand, my friend told me once 'why do like men who ar not right for you?'. The point is I think they ARE right so she thinks I have some sort of blind spot. I actually explain it by my standrads being too high for my own good (while my confidence is ok but not steady like it is with women who go for high standards, i.e. can offer same standards in return). i've actually lowered my expectations in reality so I don't get involved in actual r-ship with guys who are much more successful/talented than me. But have the crushes stopped - oh no, the emotional response still continues to those men (well not many, but I can get stuck on one for a long while).

I do now genuinely look at more down-to-earth guy (and not 'lookers') as potential partners - I sort of changed my viewpoint and now consider that more attractive, so maybe that will help you too? Obviously I don't know what your crushes are like but assume they are either good looking or talented etc.
Basically you have to learn to find attractive those who like you, fancying can actually come later in some cases. I don't believe the men attracted to you are all arrogant manipulative guys that you describe, maybe you just don't notice the more shy/less confident men who may try being friends to start with? It's very typical for arrogant ones to pursue women who show a dislike, so I'm not surprised regarding your LTRs.
Just my thoughts!

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Mon 04-Dec-17 01:17:29

sorry it's late so I didn't check for typos!

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Mon 04-Dec-17 01:22:37

Reflexella spot on! I came to the same conclusion (in hindsight) about my strongest crush, years ago, which coincided with LTR being at its lowest miserable point. I never went that far since (into a crush) but they still happen in a more quiet way, and yes crushes are either an escape from a bad reality with partner OR just something to fill the void (like future faking kind of) when single.
Harmless sort of, but also can leave you feeling like an idiot in the end (and wasting your time so you don't notice others).

SleepIsForTheWeek Mon 04-Dec-17 23:02:28

Thanks for your replies last night.
It's true that my crushes are always people I never stand a chance with - too cool for example.
I didn't know my current crush was married, although I was still with my ex when I met him so guess that still put him in the unavailable category only that time it was me that was unavailable. But we've been working closely together these past few months and getting to know him better my feelings have just got ridiculous. I need to stop indulging my thoughts!

Teensandfuture Mon 04-Dec-17 23:25:20

I'm not sure if it counts the same but my crushes do show interest in me ,they fancy me ,they wine and dine me ,they might even say I love you BUT ultimately they dont want a relationship with me?
So they distance themselves and more they distance more I get obsessed with them.
I'm tired of this crap.
Had just 2nd one within a year. The recent one is married too(all previous ones single), whatever happened between us you might call an affair ( he says he feels guilty to his marriage vows).He says he fancies me and would love to be next to me but ultimately he refuses to see me.I get obsessed over how often he appeares online, and get very upset if he's online but doesn't read my messages straight away ( who is he chatting to? Who's more important?)
Already tried to cut him off , then backtracked and tried to sort bad feelings out. We're sort of friends but not friends, we're not lovers ,we don't meet.
Ultimately it's a crush as I feel I'm way more invested than him.
I have recognised it's a pattern too, albeit originally built on mutual interest towards each other but when they distance themselves( get bored of me?) I get more and more attached ,instead of running in opposite direction and obsessed,I wish I could just switch off my feelings when they do!

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Tue 05-Dec-17 00:53:55

OP it's very tough if you can't avoid seeing him and actually like him the more you know him (rather than just the image). I think you need to find a way to distance yourself even by changing your job? unless you are actually prepared to get involved with a married man.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Tue 05-Dec-17 00:58:04

Teens, I'n guessing you are not one for 'playing it cool'. Sadly many men (especially the ones that are popular/attractive) do not respond well to open adoration or neediness. So yes, I would say - either look at other, less confident guys for dating, those who are not those easily bored 'studs', or try to play it cool a bit.

Teensandfuture Tue 05-Dec-17 07:49:15

I guess you're right PGTips
Don't think I'm needy but probably show too much adoration.
I don't even specifically go for goodlooking men,more successful confident type. But funny enough I do apear confident in early stages too,and told people see me as successful ( life's on track,good carrier, nice house,really got my shit together so deserve respect).
I just can't pin point the moment when I become too much and what do I do and say ..
Also I noticed,whenever I actually give up on and distance myself from this married man, his messages are show more interest.
There was an occasion couple of month ago when he went through a stage of reading and not replying to my messages for over 2 weeks ,I sent few texts,wasn't messaging every day or too often but at the end I said I guess you're not interested which is fine, I'm not short of male attention and will just looking forward to new lovely future.. I actually gave up on him at that point,and couple of days later there he was saying he's very much interested,sending big apologies for not being in touch,giving reasons why(some are plausible) but overall it felt and he admitted he should have made more effort to contact me meantime.

Iris65 Tue 05-Dec-17 08:00:32

Often with stuff like crushes and addictions the important thing is how you behave. Once you are aware of what is going on at every moment you have a choice: indulge and keep the pain going or do something that will lead towards healing.
When he comes into your mind think about something else.
When you are tempted to look at social media, go and see him (when it is not absolutely essential for your job) or do anything else that will put him in your way, do something else.
You just have to keep on keeping on.
Over time it will get easier and it will free up emotional energy for your deeper work on change.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Tue 05-Dec-17 23:48:04

that's so tough to do, Iris...

Teens, so how did it end? did you get back together? as I said with confident ambitious guys, they respond to a challenge , it's not good for LTR as it's f***ing tiresome to be constantly on your toes and playing cool! I think you need to start finding them unattarctive and to much work haha.
As for 'which moment' - with these men it's the moment they are sure you are hooked (which you say you don't hide). How about going for more mature guys who actually want a relationship and not conquests? That is if you do want ltr.

DevilScope Wed 06-Dec-17 13:28:20

I actually wonder if you’ve got a long term relationship avoidant personality - you enjoy the thoughts and the fantasy more than the day to day stuff?

Which is fine. Lots of women are happier single.

Maybe you need a life relationship set up which has variety and change (a lover for the occasional weekend but PLEASE stay away from married men unless the wife has told you they’re in an open relationship!)

It’s a false dichotomy to say that you need to EITHER have Mr A who is a distant type OR then “have” to force yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not?

I did have moments in my 20s when I thought I’d “try” having a relationship with someone I couldn’t deep down physically see myself with and it really just ended up yucky - whoever started that form of “advice” for women needs to be shot.

I do agree that confident go getting men can be fairly blasé about relationships (in that they have choice) but then so do you? Maybe multiple dating suits you better.

Work out what suits you and work backwards from there.

Iris65 Wed 06-Dec-17 21:27:58

LoveForPGTipsMonkey I know how hard it is. I moved out of our home 35 days ago and am trying to do 30 days NC. I’m back to day 1 today. I manage almost a week and then I crack and send a one line email telling him how much I miss him or love him or care about him.
Keep on keeping on is the only way for me.

Teensandfuture Wed 06-Dec-17 22:40:33

PGTips no we're not together (he's married!) But we (Well I mostly) tried to make peace of this situation so we talked in detail, then been messaging a bit .I suppose I still had hope something will come out of it but looks like hes quite happy to wank over my pics , but not actually meet up anymore . Not sure if it makes ok in his head because he doesn't physically spends time with me .
Iv asked him to tell how he feels about me and what I get is :yes I fancy you a lot, you're super sexy, bright and good to chat to,you have a lot to offer and give but I can't offer you anything I'm afraid,especially in run up to Xmas..
I do want LTR but not just with anyone. I want someone better than me,more than me (at least in some respects).I want someone successful. Is that too much to ask when I'm myself doing well?

LoveforPGTipsMonkey Thu 07-Dec-17 01:26:31

Iris - I sympathise, you are doing quite well! The usual advice is write it but don't send. In your case harder, as it wasn't even a crush you actually lived together. I'm hopeless even when having a strong crush (near impossible to stay away with social media).

Teens, why 'more' than you and not equal? It's easier then! But if you are also after a challenge and want to fight for a guy (you may get tired/bored of that sometime though), then you need to play games a bit unfortunately, pretend to be not so bothered etc.

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