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Am I traumatised?

(13 Posts)
Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:08:53

I had an ex who put me down continually. He started off nice and loving and then gradually withdrew. He refused to hold my hand. Would hold his arm above his head and laugh while I cried. He told a guy at a market stall that he should go out with me instead of him when the guy agreed with me about a film I liked.
He would sit in the same room as me in silence for hours. Would accuse me of mauling him when I touched him. He got me sweeping leaves up outside his house with a dust pan and brush. I only saw him once a week and I would do anything to be near him. He criticised my house constantly, but would do jobs, so I felt dependent on him. I needed him to fix my awful house.
We had a sex game that involved him sleeping with other women and telling me about it. I pretended I liked it and a weird part of me got a mock out of him degrading me.
We did some bdsm stuff but I told him it actually felt abusive.
He said 'ok.'
Eventually I was able to get away. But now, even a year later, I think about it every single day. I'm scared to date and I feel very fragile. I feel like I'm traumatised still. I don't know how to move on.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:10:45

*got a kick out of him degrading me

He would watch me cry and do nothing to comfort me

cestlavielife Sun 03-Dec-17 22:12:01

Get some counselling sessions. That will help.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:13:07

I've had counselling. I've never found it particularly helpful.

LineysRunner Sun 03-Dec-17 22:15:07

Yes, you're still traumatised from this, not surprisingly. You need to give yourself some time to get over it, to heal, to look after yourself. flowers

cestlavielife Sun 03-Dec-17 22:16:14

Try a different counsellor.

There are many...you could look specially for traumatic stress treatment
Or life coaching or something ...the freedom program ...

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:18:11

Yes I feel like I can't date. I've tried, even had a short relationship. But I'm not ready. I still feel angry at him for what he did. He won't even think he's done anything wrong.
I have met some lovely men, but I just don't want anyone near me right now.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 03-Dec-17 22:18:28

Yes you’re traumatised.

A year is nothing.

Therapy if you can afford it or seek some counselling through your GP. Also read - research emotional abuse and the childhood causes of bad relationships and read and read. Empower yourself.

You will be ok. You will come through with a greater understanding and never allow anyone else to treat you like this.

It’s good to acknowledge how traumatic and fucking abysmal the actions of others can be, and start to ask questions about why you put up with it (usually rooted in family stuff). And then move towards a position where you have expressed it, named it, and know you won’t stand for it again.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:21:13

I feel like eventually the trauma might go. I just wanted to know that it was normal for it to still be there a year later. I don't want counselling, I really don't. Not sure why, but it doesn't feel right. I know it helps a lot of people though.

And I don't need the freedom programme, I won't end up in this kind of relationship again. But I wouldn't mind doing some self help type things.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 03-Dec-17 22:23:31

There was abuse in my childhood a d I didn't have good models of relationships. I love reading, so I'll read and read. I feel very protective of myself at the moment. My boundaries are high.
I just hope that one day I'll feel neutral about him.

LailasMummyx Sun 03-Dec-17 22:29:27

Hi, sorry you went through this, I have a book that may be helpful, I don't know how to private message but if you tell me I could message you more information thanks

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 03-Dec-17 22:34:03

That’s great you feel protective of yourself.

You will feel neutral about him at some point. The intense attachment stuff that can interlock us with any manner of toxic fool takes a little time to fade but fade it does.

Wrap yourself in your protective forcefield and enjoying the reading.

Farontothemaddingcrowd Mon 04-Dec-17 10:32:17

Yes it was a very intense attachment. I feel like I'm only just processing it.

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