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Kissing other man

(9 Posts)
Bpop Sun 03-Dec-17 21:33:39

I’m in my early 20s and have been with my partner for 6 years. He’s not the affectionate sort so have always had issues around that - intimacy, affection, feeling unwanted etc. It seems that he’s just wired that way whereas I am more “needy”, I crave affection and want to feel wanted. Cut to the chase anyway..
I went on a night out and kissed someone else about 4/5 times, I was very drunk and knew it was wrong. I’m not looking for anyone to tell me the obvious there. I decided (due to difficult circumstances surrounding home life - severely SN children) that I would never tell him what I did. My main issue which is pathetic sounding is that I have a reoccurring feeling of wanting to do it again sad I love my partner and care for him
How do I work through this? Has anyone been through this? It’s bloody awful and I’m an awful person.

Redtartanshoes Sun 03-Dec-17 21:40:22

Your age and length of relationship mean that the chances of this ever getting better are slim. Your partner is never going to give you the affection you want, which will lead rightly or wrongly so to you seeking it else where.

Have you tried idiscussing it? I was in a similar position many years ago, and even when there was affection, it felt like it was to keep the peace/shut me up for a while. So never actually made it any better.

You need to leave. If that isn’t an option would an open relationship work?

Honestly you are so young, you had your whole life ahead of you. It shouldn’t be like this

Bpop Sun 03-Dec-17 21:50:43

Thanks for your message redtartan

I can relate to what you’re saying.. especially about forced attention/affection to keep me quiet. My friend always says to me I’m so young and have so much ahead of me but it doesn’t feel that way, you know? I have 2 kids. I had my eldest when I was 17 and due to both of their additional needs I rely heavily on my partner. I don’t think I could physically cope with them without him so that deters me from leaving. I feel like I’m wasting my time but also grieve over potentially ending a relationship with someone I care about and the huge dependency I have on him

llangennith Sun 03-Dec-17 21:51:05

What Redtartanshoes says.

CoperCabana Sun 03-Dec-17 21:56:23

I was in a similar relationship but without kids. I did what you describe on more than one occasion. I am not proud of this. I did try and sort things at home but ultimately the relationship was doomed. We were incompatible despite loving each other. I fell for someone else and left. He fell for someone else shortly after. We were both much happier apart. In my experience, this will not end well, but the sooner you face up to this, the better for all of you. Best wishes to you. Hardest thing I ever did was walking away.

CoperCabana Sun 03-Dec-17 22:00:20

And totally agree with the grieving thing. Despite me leaving, I cried and cried for that lost relationship, with someone so good and who I cared for deeply. But I can clearly see that the right thing to do was to leave, and nearly 20 years later I have absolutely no regrets.

Bpop Sun 03-Dec-17 22:07:53

I don’t think I’d ever get over that feeling you describe Coper - of a lost relationship, what could’ve been but just wasn’t there
It must be possible though.. time seems to be a good healer? I’m too much of a wuss to pull my pants up and end it, I’m scared of the thought (at the moment). I know I’m going to hell for saying this but I sometimes wish I could find someone who made me feel like they really valued me so I could push my partner away with more ease
Jesus. I’m just glad I’ve gotten this off my chest x

CoperCabana Sun 03-Dec-17 22:12:56

I don’t know whether it is possible. I knew, whilst I felt like I did, that there was always the possibility I would fall someone else. And when that happened, it knocked me for six. If happened so gradually, when I realised, it was too late to fix it and it caused lots of pain. I would also say that having a partner who didn’t give me what I needed impacted me quite a lot, so now I am probably the cold one, and I have to check myself.

Well done for getting it off your chest. I never did til it was too late so maybe you can fix things by admitting to them and facing them head on.

ShatnersWig Mon 04-Dec-17 08:21:15

I'm confused, OP...

Just over a week ago you started another thread that said you can't stand your DP because you two argue all the time due to the stresses surrounding your children and that you have suffered with MH issues and anxiety.

Rather surprised you wouldn't have mentioned that in this thread because now you say you love him when a week ago you couldn't stand him.

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