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What is the perfect marriage? Does anyone have one?

(19 Posts)
Allwashedup Sun 03-Dec-17 17:38:32

Just curious really. What makes a marriage perfect and if anyone here has one? If so then what is it that makes your marriage perfect?

jimijack Sun 03-Dec-17 17:42:00

No one does, surely?

Acrosstheuniverse123 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:42:26

No such thing. But good marriages are based on compatibility, tolerance, respect and compromise. Lack of selfishness, willingness to apologise and listen , and most of all TALK.

Moanyoldcow Sun 03-Dec-17 17:43:08

Doubt anyone has a perfect one, but I have a good and happy one.

Respect, love, kindness, understanding, give and take. Those are the main things I think you need.

I have been with DH 12 years and can count on 1 hand the number of times we've raise voices to each other. We look after each other but give each other lots of space.

I can trust him with everything.

We can annoy each other but don't engage in silent treatment, or other manipulation - find it easier to talk thing through.

jimijack Sun 03-Dec-17 17:54:49

Not perfect.
Been together 24 years, married for 17.

He is lovely to me, kind, thoughtful, does what should be done without being asked but best of all, he is a wonderful loving, adoring dad to our kids.
But then he leaves crumbs all over the kitchen surfaces, will step over stuff I leave on the stairs that needs to be taken up stairs, doesn't see mess.

But this weekend has fixed our cooker, repaired the central heating, put down some flooring and put some furniture up with ds 1,
We don't argue, contribute equally financially, care for kids 50/50, enjoy each other's company, have very similar interests and rub along nicely.

Perfect for us.

Mrstumbletap Sun 03-Dec-17 18:14:54

No marriage is perfect and what one woman is happy with another one would say you are putting up with that shit?

I have friends in marriages that I couldn't tolerate, I would not put up with the mood swings, the controlling nature, the jealousy, the cheating. But they are together and muddling through.

We are shown a lot about marriage by our parents relationships, and our decisions are shaped by our own self esteem, and the life we have built together.

But I tend to think if it in yearly stages, how many months are you happy out of the 12?

I also think over the course of a 30-40 year marriage you fall in and out of love.

Ragnarhairybretches Sun 03-Dec-17 18:27:14

I don't think a perfect one exists either. 17 years with mine and very happy. He makes me laugh, he's thoughtful, kind and very involved with the kids BUT we have had rows and low times. It's part and parcel. I think the key to making it work is when the negative traits of each other don't wind the other up too much. My Dsis gets on well with DH but freely says she would kill him if he was her partner as he's too fussy. I just laugh at him when he's mithering, and for his part he doesn't mind that I mock him. So are bad traits don't cause a problem with the other.

80sMum Sun 03-Dec-17 18:29:58

The perfect marriage? It can be found in fantasy land, next door to the unicorn farm! grin

mindutopia Sun 03-Dec-17 18:37:49

My marriage is not perfect by any stretch (probably anyone who thinks what they have is perfect is a bit delusional). But I think we have a generally happy, solid, strong marriage. For us, I think what makes the difference is being really compatible with similar values and similar beliefs about how we want to live our lives and similar long-term life goals. Like we are very different personality-wise, we have very different career interests, but they are very compatible. I'm set in my ways, assertive, particular about things, he's much more relaxed, laidback, more spontaneous (we'd probably self destructive if both of us were as neurotic as I am). So each of us has traits that are really beneficial to the relationship overall, but we've learned when one of us has to step back and let the other take the lead on something. But we are very similar in terms of values, lifestyle, parenting styles, finances, very different careers (both fairly non-traditional ones) but very similar attitudes to work-life balance and beliefs about how to live our lives as a family. We also have very similar long term goals, like where we see ourselves in 10, 20, 30 years is very much in alignment. So like though we have day to day disagreements about minor things, the really big stuff we share a really similar perspective on and feel really passionately about that. Beyond that, we just genuinely like each other, we like spending time with each other, and we've been together 10 years now and have grown closer together over time rather than apart with age.

Also, I don't know whether it's a cause or an effect of having a really solid marriage, but we've been through some seriously tough shit together, both early on in our relationship (like 6 months in, and as recent as this past year). Not stuff like either of us did to hurt the other and cause problem, but due to things external to our relationship, like severe stress within the extended family, health issues, other traumas, etc. It was really hard and awful and stressful, but because we figured out how to support each other through that, we're really good at dealing with the day to day stress. I think because it didn't break us up, it made us even stronger and more of a solid source of support for each other. I think that definitely helps a lot, though our marriage is still far from perfect. We still want to kill each other sometimes!

Nuffaluff Sun 03-Dec-17 18:38:25

I wonder about this. I think we're happy enough. We share housework and childcare, encourage each other to fulfill our dreams, have a good (enough) sex life.
We get on well most of the time, but when we row, we ROW. And at those times he can't stand me and I can't stand him. I wish I had one of those 'never a cross word' marriages.

offside Sun 03-Dec-17 19:18:27

I don’t think there is a perfect marriage, there can be a ‘perfect for us’ marriage though.

I love our marriage. There is respect, loyalty, empathy, support, security, trust, intimacy, laughter and a bucket load of love. We obviously have moments where we do things that annoy the other person but we don’t let them escalate, we call each other out and we communicate. I think our relationship is our version of perfect.

nadinexo1 Sun 03-Dec-17 19:19:55

Nope, it's a lie.

Hernameisdeborah Sun 03-Dec-17 19:24:53

If there is, I have never encountered it.

PerfectlyDone Sun 03-Dec-17 19:26:41

Seeking perfection sets you up for failure.

A good marriage relies on good communication from both parties and kindness in thought, word and deed.

Lack of the above led to mine failing.

user1497997754 Sun 03-Dec-17 19:56:41

Positive communication....and best friends......digging deep within yourself when the going gets tough....

Olddear Sun 03-Dec-17 20:43:15

Not perfect, but very happy. We love each other very much....but there are times he drives me nuts and he'd say the same about me! But he is my world....

Katedotness1963 Sun 03-Dec-17 21:02:36

I think perfect marriages only exist on FB! I used to belong to a mums online group where a lot of us were also FB friends. It was not unusual to see someone call their husband every name under the sun on the site and then post on FB about "my dearest, darling, husband who lights up my world"...

Desmondo2016 Sun 03-Dec-17 22:22:50

Mine is near as dammit . Loving, supportive, teamwork, good sex, best friends.

All my RL friends joke I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Not sure if he would also say it though 😂.. Think I just nailed a fucking epic one.

corythatwas Sun 03-Dec-17 22:27:12

Another very happy one here. Perfect is a bit of a useless term because it just forces people to respond that there is no such thing and it doesn't actually tell you anything about anything.

But if you meant really happy, something that makes people feel strong and valued and warm- yes, I'd say that does exist, and I would say mine is one of them. To me, the crucial elements is that we trust one another, we take it in turns to be strong so it's not one person having to carry the other all the time, and we don't make the other person feel small. Also what mindutopia said about genuinely liking each other and liking each other's company. And the bit about having been through tough shit.

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