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Fed up of this life- never imagined this would be my life

(84 Posts)
Shadowboy Sun 03-Dec-17 14:29:35

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but I guess with a lack of real friends mumsnet is the only way to talk things through.

I really don’t enjoy my life. Some days I just want to cry about how far it from my plans and dreams.

I have done the whole married, kids, mortgage thing and I utterly hate it. I dread weekends for their monotony. It’s basicallt wake up. Take kids to clubs - wait for them. Go home put baby down for nap. Cook, clean, feed, clean, bed time routine and repeat.

I’ve given up my hobby as I don’t have time. I haven’t seen my best friend since she was a bridesmaid for me 5 years ago. Im skint because of childcare at £14k a year. Im too tired to do my job properly.

I hate my house because of my neighbours and how far away it is from friends.

We never go on holiday (other than to visit grandparents so the kids get to see them) so it’s the same views every week.

I’m beginning to resent my husband because it was him who wanted kids - I wasn’t sure- had never been around anyone who had kids- so I didn’t know what it meant to have them.

Is this really what life is about?

category12 Sun 03-Dec-17 14:44:00

When the dc are small, it can be a drudge. It does get better as they get more independent.

Obviously tho, that's little comfort and you need to improve things for yourself now. It might be worth going to your gp to see if you might have pnd or something. Then you need to start planning something for yourself, like seeing your friend. Set some goals to look forward to, even if it will take saving a fiver at a time to get it.

Does your dh take on a fair share of childcare / housework, or is it all on you? Does he have a social life? Do you share finances, is he equally skint?

Littlelambpeep Sun 03-Dec-17 14:46:19

I feel like that a lot op. Maybe when your baby is older it will change. Do you need DC to do clubs at weekends? Why not do something as a family .. Baby in buggy and go out.

Trying2bgd Sun 03-Dec-17 14:57:59

Ask your DH to take the kids to the weekend clubs every other weekend. It should not always be you that does it then perhaps use this time to take up your hobby again or call your best friend. Maybe invite her over.
With holidays, can it not be arranged to meet the grandparents somewhere rather than just go visit them, ie, a cottage somewhere. If you go during term time (Im assuming they are not at school yet), its quite cheap. The cost could be split with the grandparents.
Early years are hard work but things do get better. Talk this through with your DH. What can be done to make life and finances easier? Don't do this on your own.

Pinkpillows Sun 03-Dec-17 15:07:39

You can't blame your husband for your children. You also had unprotected sex to create them too

How much does he do for children and house?

Shadowboy Sun 03-Dec-17 15:17:26

He is great with the children. Does lots with them BUT works silly hours he is a project manager so sometimes he’s working 14hour days. When he’s not working he’s very attentive to them.

He doesn’t see dirt/ tidy - he says the house is fine but it’s really not- we have two dogs and the baby is crawling so to prevent her being brown/hairy I do have to hoover daily/mop daily in winter (mud) plus kids leave toys everywhere then cry when the dogs have mauled them.

I do the clubs because the OH usually works one day over the weekend and I’ll go insane trying to entertain them all day.

I can’t have the grandparents fly here because they live abroad and one is a diplomat so gets very limited time to travel abroad for family purposes.

Friends don’t generally want to come here as we live in an isolated village (can’t even get takeaways!) and as mentioned the OH works one weekend day so I would still be looking after the kids.

So no parents, no friends and no hobby makes it very depressing. It’s just relentless tedium.

Shadowboy Sun 03-Dec-17 15:20:26

Just to add we are equally skint- it’s the childcare costs £1300 per month. That’s term time only. I look after them during the holidays to save the money over the summer (nursery closes for 3 weeks at Xmas and 1 week at Easter)

Ellapaella Sun 03-Dec-17 15:20:41

Looking after a family can be monotonous when it feels like every day is a cycle of doing the same old chores over and over day in day out but you sound really very depressed and I agree a trip to your GP may help.
How much does your husband do to help out with the housework and kids? Do you not get a chance to go out with your friends occasionally in the evening? Could you have a night or two in the week when you do something for yourself like go for a run or the gym or swimming? (Or anything that you will enjoy).
This is more extreme but really if you’re not happy where you’re living would you consider moving somewhere less isolated where there is more going on? Better to do it now before they start school. Do you have friends with children of a similar age you socialise with?

Ellapaella Sun 03-Dec-17 15:21:17

Sorry if I cross posted with you op about your husband and what he does to help out.

Shadowboy Sun 03-Dec-17 15:31:18

Thanks for your reply- I can’t run (my ankle is pinned and plated from an injury 10 years ago but it means sport is very difficult as I don’t have the flexibility or strength)

I tend to use the time between kids asleep (7.40pm) until 10.30 to catch up with my work so evenings are a no go. I used to do my hobby after work 3 nights a week but obviously I now pick up the kids and sort them out. I feel like once you have kids that you as an individual is no longer important. I know that sounds selfish but it seems that when you read mumsnet / everyone is just doing stuff for their children. Most nights I go to bed alone and my OH climbs in somewhere around midnight. I get up at 6 to walk the dog while he sleeps till 7 and wakes the kids up and gets them changed. He drops them off at 8. I work an hour from home so I leave the house at 7.45am. There just never seems to be time to do anything.

Ellapaella Sun 03-Dec-17 15:41:37

Not selfish at all to want time for yourself, in fact I make it a priority. I need it to keep me sane! It’s a shame you can’t have that time in the event to do something you enjoy and to relax instead of catching up with work.
It does sound as if the work/life balance is out of kilter for you.
Sometimes it feels as though we’re drowning in a dark of responsibility, I feel that everyone depends on me - the children, dog, dh to keep the house running smoothly and I work in health care and feel a weight of responsibility from work as well. I have felt like you do now, particularly when my children were smaller. It actually took a long time to adjust to being a parent, it really does change life so completely. Please don’t feel like you are alone, I have had so many friends who have told me they’ve felt like this at times as well.
Would moving be an option? Or cutting down in hours at work?

Ellapaella Sun 03-Dec-17 15:42:47

Sorry for all the typos it’s my phones stupid auto correct

category12 Sun 03-Dec-17 15:52:22

I'd seriously consider moving.

allegretto Sun 03-Dec-17 16:00:28

Some of these problems will resolve themselves as your children get a bit older. I felt very trapped with baby twins but once the baby and toddler stage was over, suddenly everything is easier. I'd definitely consider moving though - why did you choose to live there?

SheepyFun Sun 03-Dec-17 16:00:58

How old are the kids? How long will the childcare cost that much?

Definitely agree about putting aside £5/week if you can - you might be able to see your best friend if you do, and it would be something to look forward to. If you can find something for you that you can do, even if just for an hour a week, would that help?

It sounds tough flowers

SandSnakeofDorne Sun 03-Dec-17 16:03:44

Yeah, why do you live where you do? You’re an hour from work in the middle of nowhere and you’re sick of the view. Move.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sun 03-Dec-17 16:15:24

You seem so stuck OP, there's no space is there...no time for hobbies, work, ferrying children about, cleaning etc.
I think something will have to give, and changes will need to be made, big or small. This isn't sustainable.
How old are your children? Why are you living so far away from friends?

Shadowboy Sun 03-Dec-17 16:48:47

We bought the house before the kids were born. It has been substantially done up and is a dream home. We have turkeys and chickens in the garden and two horses out the back (my hobby - I never ride them anymore) if we moved we would have to give up the Home we worked on and the horses too and the poultry.

The horses haven’t been ridden for 4 years so have no real value. I think it’s a catch 22. If I had to sell the house to be closer to everything that the kids needed I would feel resentful over that. It’s like the last bit of my ‘pre-kids’ life that I am holding onto.

I don’t hate the view of my house I hate the fact I always drive the same streets/we never go anywhere.

Time40 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:02:52

You've got horses, but you're not riding them? For the love of god, why not?? Claw some time back and start doing things with your horses again - it will make you feel so much better. You sound like you have given up everything of your own for other people. If you don't consider yourself and your own needs, you will just become more and more depressed, and then you won't be any use to anyone.

Take kids to clubs - wait for them I would just cut these clubs out completely. Kids don't need to go to clubs, and you don't have time to take them there. Also, be honest - how much do you actually care about the dogs, personally? They sound like they are a lot of work. If you don't really love them, could you re-home them?

MaybeDoctor Sun 03-Dec-17 17:04:11

If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.

Something has got to give. You have come up with quite a few reasons why things cannot change, but perhaps you need to think more about the benefits that changes might bring?

Re-home dogs - less housework, no walking
Sell horses or loan out - can move house if you need to do so
Move house - better access to social life

The other big problem is your husband's working hours. On some level he is choosing to work those hours.

I used to flatshare with an investment banker. His hours were incredibly long, but even he wasn't expected to work at the weekend - he chose to do so.

Time40 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:09:48

All right, I re-read - you do the clubs because it would be hard to entertain the kids all day. But then you have to wait for them, so it doesn't sound like the clubs are a great solution, so I still say get rid of the clubs. Could you spend the money you spend that on getting someone to come in for a couple of hours to watch the kids while you have a break from them?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sun 03-Dec-17 17:40:46

The trouble is (and I really don't mean this unkindly), if you are not prepared to change anything, even something small, then this is how it will be. Didn't you want to be closer to friends, rather than be closer to the children's activities? Is there something small you can change - such as committing to riding your horses once a week? Or even fortnightly?

QuiteLikely5 Sun 03-Dec-17 17:47:53

Ok so it’s your dream home. I go only me and see lots of dream homes that are within budget but do I go for them? Nope. Why? Because location location is absolutely everything.

I’ve been in your shoes. Sell up. I’d say that place is a big cause of your misery.

Your childcare costs: even very high earners can get help through childcare tax credits.

Are you and your dh in the childcare voucher scheme?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sun 03-Dec-17 17:48:35

Do you have an "ideal" vision of what you want your life to be like?
If you have a clear vision it's easier to work towards that.

Isetan Sun 03-Dec-17 18:46:27

The truth is you've slept walked into your current situation and blaming your partner ain't going to change that.

Your children are young and there's a lot of just getting your head down during this time but that doesn't stop you planning on how you plan to start prioritising you.

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