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Husband’s affair... what next?(10 Posts)
So, I found out 3 weeks ago that my DH was having an affair (I suspected, checked phone, everything deleted, went into a weird App we have and got details of calls, whatsapp had all been deleted)
The OW is a work colleague. I know her and her DH, and her 2 young DC.
DH and I have 2 DC, just turned 3 and 16 months. The baby was about 9 months when they started texting/calling.
DH followed the ‘script’ lied etc etc, but I got the truth out of him.
I asked him to leave the house and he is now in a flat, I have the children, he seems them at least every evening.
I am from overseas so I have absolutely no family support. I went home for a week, but essentially the message was ‘we can sort it out’.
I attend counselling (I did anyway for issues with my family and a general feeling of lack of support), DH has started.
I’ve told him I will attend couples therapy if/when he demonstrates self awareness and can figure out what it was within him that allowed him to do this.
We have managed to talk a lot, most of the conversation being that he felt ‘trampled’ on by me.
Interestingly when looking at a rough time line of his feelings, they actually started when his role at Work changed and he found it a lot more stressful.
To me, Work has always been his priority (I gave up a City career to be a SAHM), and I think he has found it hard adjusting to being the breadwinner (joint decision), but he earns very well and we are lucky.
In turn, I have found it extremely hard coping with the children with very, very limited help.
In any event, we are where we are. I am angry, broken, confused, hurt. But DH is struggling to show me any emotion. He says he has cried lots, but hasn’t been able to near me.
I, in turn, feel like I need him to be emotional. I need him to be broken and in pain, if only to demonstrate that he loves me (is that weird?).
I’m not making any long term decisions yet, but in my head, I just cannot see how I could cope with the children 24/7/365 with no emotional outlet (family just wouldn’t help) or physical support. I do also think that we could attempt to work through it. But I am already drained by it all, the years ahead seem so long and difficult.
Sorry for the ramble, I just have no idea what is going on.
I'd go to couple's therapy anyway. It might clarify some things for you. Some men can cry at the drop of a hat to manipulate the women in their lives, some men feel things deeply but don't show it. It seems like you're looking for revenge- to dish out the emotional hurt you've felt- which is normal but ultimately unhelpful. I'd go to the therapy and from there decide what you want from the future.
Thank you Crumble perhaps I ought to consider it sooner rather than later. As I keep insisting on ‘progress’ that he can’t give me.
I’m not after revenge per se, just an indication that he has even the slightest feelings of distress that I have.
Have you considered going back to work and getting your H to become the SAHP? You would get more independence, connection with others, he would be removed from the daily interaction with with the OW, and the lack of support you have on the chilcldcare front wouldn't be such an issue due to him being home with them all day. If you split up then it would definitely be in your favour to have a job, then you and your H could share the childcare 50/50.
Also, do you plan to tell the OW's husband what they've been up to? Does he know?
I could easily go back to work (err I think!!) but my earning capacity would now be nowhere near his (although I used to earn more ), so I’m not sure we could maintain normality at present for the children.
He has resigned from work, but his position is such that his notice period is 16 months , so we are in a shitty middle ground.
Yes the OW’s DH knows. I made my DH call her on loudspeaker the morning after I found out to tell her I knew and I told her if she didn’t tell her husband I would.... (I also told her s few other things but that’s by the by ). I am in quite frequent contact with her DH. They are still living together and are ‘going to try and make a go of it’
Go back to work before your earning capacity falls further. He has form now and even if you stay together you’d be wise to do some future-proofing in case he lets you down again. His new job will need to be something that allows him to do 50 percent of the childcare, even if he then earns less and has to accept a shallower career trajectory. You became a SAHM - which you don’t enjoy - to facilitate his career on the basis that you were a team. He has shown that you’re not, so the deal’s off.
Well it is good that he has handed in his notice but has he verbally expressed to you what a shit he has been, why he did it, and how he will make amends?
I agree about going back to work regardless of what you decide to do about your husband. You can’t count on him, longer you stay out the harder it will be to get your career started again, and being home with the children full time isn’t working for you. You husband needs to help pay for child care. It will be rough at first, but it will gradually get better.
Ok I’ll start looking at jobs, thank you.
Yes he is completely bereft but struggling to show me (I’m one of those overt emotionals so I need that kind of display).
He has no idea why he has sex with her (it was only once, and I believe that) but he says he felt sick immediately.
I have told him that aside from everything else, my major sticking point is how he allowed himself to have sex with her, the mental consent. Until he can rationalise that more it’s very hard for me to see how it can’t be prevented in the future (if a similar set of shit storm circumstances lead to it)
I have some savings at present too but I will try to build those up just in case. I have a small income from a very part time job I do and another income from a rental property so get roughly £1,000 per month.
He’s not being emotional because he’s not sorry. You caught him, rather than him admitting it so the only reason the affair stopped is that you found out. I think that’s a crucial thing. If you had been unaware and he had come to you and admitted it and got down on his knees and said sorry then you’d feel he was remorseful. As it stands, there’s a good chance they would have carried on. Your team is now broken and he can’t be trusted. How can you trust that he won’t do this again? You can’t. It’s very tricky if you’ve got no support system. I think you should look at your financial situation and get yourself to the point that you can cope without him if you need to. If you split, where would you live, where would he live...work out all the practicalities so you are in a strong position should you decide you don’t want him anymore or he does it again
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