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Argument was too harsh: I don't know if I can move on. What now?

(175 Posts)
Insanityinthesuburbs Sun 03-Dec-17 11:54:22

Ok, bit of back story. Divorced last year. Two children 5 and 7. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months. All going well. He seems lovely.

An argument over something trivial turned nasty on Thursday evening. Now, I know people say harsh things but one of the things he said to me I cannot stop going round my head. He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" - to say I was shocked was an understatement. In fact I think I'm still in shock. Its triggered all sorts of emotions in me. Maybe I was responsible for the divorce (he left me, wouldn't go to counselling - knew I wanted to stay together). Now what makes it worse, we kissed and made up. He apologised. We talked about the things he said and I asked whether he said them in anger. He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away.

I'm devastated and feel like I'm slipping back into a depression I worked bloody hard to crawl out of when my ExH left. Im not sure what to do about DP. Maybe he has nothing to be sorry for: if that's who I am. He just wants to forget it. But I cant. I am just pretending im ok, whilst I try and figure out what I should do. Does anyone have any advice, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this,

SlartyFarkBarstard Sun 03-Dec-17 11:56:56

4 months and he’s talking to you like that? Fuck that noise, bin the cunt.

StealthPolarBear Sun 03-Dec-17 11:57:17

You've not been with him very long, it shouldn't be this difficult. I'd say goodbye.
I don't know either of you but few I suspect this was chosen to hurt you.

StealthPolarBear Sun 03-Dec-17 11:57:50

Rather than it being an accurate reflection of your personality iyswim

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 03-Dec-17 11:57:52

Yes. Dump him immediately. That is not within the bounds of a normal argument. Nor is his subsequent "apology"

Thankfully you dont really know him and have no ties (like children etc) which wpuld mean you might feel an obligation to have to put up with this. Thank your lucky stars he's had no access to your DCs to speak to them like this

GertrudeCB Sun 03-Dec-17 11:58:22

What Slarty said, with knobs on.

category12 Sun 03-Dec-17 11:58:35

Ugh. No, he's not the right man for you. (He's not the right man for anyone). Ditch him, he's the kind of person who will rip you to shreds.

TossDaily Sun 03-Dec-17 11:59:49

Dump, block, move on.

The cheeky bastard.

Dozer Sun 03-Dec-17 12:00:19

It’s not you: it’s him. Those were really nasty things to say.

Run for the hills.

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 12:01:22

He's shown you his true colours.

Timefortea99 Sun 03-Dec-17 12:03:07

Please, do not stay with him. He is a nasty piece of work and I fear you have just seen a small part of him.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 03-Dec-17 12:04:06

You deserve better. Walk away, as soon as you can. This man is a nasty piece of work.

Notfastjustfurious Sun 03-Dec-17 12:04:34

'The bits of your personality that would drive people away' did he say what he meant by that? Had you said something in anger to him to get that response? Did you have counselling yourself at the end of your marriage because it sounds like you're still dealing with the fallout of that. Perhaps this isn't the right time for a new relationship just yet especially not one that can leave you feeling like this so soon into it.

Insanityinthesuburbs Sun 03-Dec-17 12:05:19

Thanks everyone. I think I know what I have to do. I just needed to hear it. Im in bits today. x

Regularsizedrudy Sun 03-Dec-17 12:06:11

Dump dump dump

underthebluemoon Sun 03-Dec-17 12:06:28

He said that at the 4 month stage? Imagine what he would say at 12 months or 24 months. Bin him. Nasty man.

MotherCupboard Sun 03-Dec-17 12:06:29

Leave him. You don't need someone who dislikes you that much.

ButtMuncher Sun 03-Dec-17 12:07:15

Fuck that shit - sorry he's upset you OP but what an absolutely wankstain. You can do far far better flowers

AnyFucker Sun 03-Dec-17 12:07:53

Don't stay with a man who talks to you like that

Time for him to go....and tell him exactly why.

underthebluemoon Sun 03-Dec-17 12:07:56

Today will be hard. Be strong and your future will be better. flowers for you.

StealthPolarBear Sun 03-Dec-17 12:09:08

You have a shit partner but a nice personality smile
(genuinely... Not in a teenage 'nice personality' way!)

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sun 03-Dec-17 12:09:18

He said he was sorry, but he could see bits of my personality that would drive anyone away that's not an apology.

We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we hadn't, some of which may have nuggets of truth, some of which we just know will push the other person's buttons if they're being awful to us.

The key is in how he has characterised it afterwards - this was not just something said in anger, something he knew would upset you, or even something that secretly he feels about you, but knows he shouldn't have said.

He's actually defended this bollocks and thinks you will now continue a relationship with him, knowing that apparently you have traits that will drive him away!

He told me 'he understands why my ExH cannot stand my guts as I'm a fcking nagging B2%tch" it's just awful, Insanity.

Bin him off, it's early days, you can do better. xx

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 12:10:43

Notfastjustfurious 'The bits of your personality that would drive people away' did he say what he meant by that?

Really doesn't matter in the slightest what he meant. To suggest she is somehow broken is just not on.

WhatToDo20 Sun 03-Dec-17 12:10:57

Completely unacceptable behaviour.

You deserve so much more than someone that thinks that of you, let alone says it. Don't let him undo your hard work!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 03-Dec-17 12:11:40

He is a shit example of a boyfriend, he was never a DP let alone a partner.

You cannot be in a relationship with this man any longer, this should be your line in the sand now. His comments and that in particular re your personality screams red flag; many abusive men often have "crazy" ex's and blame everyone else but their own selves. I would text him and state that you no longer wish to see him from today.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Men like this one of 4 months in and your ex partner can wreak havoc on boundaries in relationships and yours may need some more work on.

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