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Not sure what's going on (sorry long)

(19 Posts)
atmywitsends Sun 03-Dec-17 11:35:43

Been with DP 10 years (not married). Dc aged 3. Live together in private rented house. Met when we were 17/18 and I had previous relationships of a sexual nature. He had relationships but never had sex. We were both single when we met each other and I've never cheated on him at all.

Dp qualified as a teacher this year and got employment in a school. I left work to attend University to train in a profession I'm passionate about we are 28/29 years of age. We've always talked about getting married but as of yet we still aren't engaged.

We've been ok over the years normal ups and downs like everyone else. However, yesterday morning dp woke up and said he had a dream I had cheated on him with a women hmm then proceeded to rant about how he doesn't know if I've ever cheated etc and doesn't want to get married if I've cheated etc. (This is literally from a dream so I'm still trying to wake up and In shock). I obviously get angry just at the ridiculousness of it all and storm off. So we spend the day with me downstairs entertaining the child and him upstairs watching tv. He comes down for food a few times and says am I going to apologise yet.

Later on in the evening he does apologise but insists I do to so we leave it at that and things go back to normal. Woke up this morning and he takes the child downstairs and I think great a lie in. Dc comes back up and switches all lights on and try's to get into cupboards etc then goes back downstairs so I lock the stair gate and go back to bed. He then comes up annoyed about how he left the stair gate open all yesterday so why should I have it closed, I explained that it's because I am having a lie in and will open it once I'm done and the child was waking me. Which is different from you watching tv all last night. He says I'm bitter and an ugly bitch and storms downstairs.

He comes up again and says I'm just like his mum very bitter and he doesn't know why he's with me (in arguments before he has said it's because of the child).

Why is he picking fights for no reason we don't fight that much normally. And I don't pressure him for marriage because to be honest I don't care if we do or not. Do you think it's stress related maybe with new job.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 03-Dec-17 11:41:21

His reactions are disproportionate to say the very least; all this as well from some dream he had (perhaps about him actually cheating on you). I am wondering if he is picking fights and such like now to try and assuage his own guilt about fancying someone else.

What is in this relationship for you now, what keeps you within this relationship with him?. He has basically stated that in his case its for the child which is a huge mistake on his part. This person should not be used as glue to bind him and you together.

I am wondering if he is wanting a relationship with someone that he met in his new job.

CheggarsPlaysPlop Sun 03-Dec-17 11:43:25

Ugh. He sounds nasty and very insecure, possibly a misogynist. Let me get this clear...was he asking YOU to apologise for his dream? Sounds a lot like my partner actually. I would get out now!

atmywitsends Sun 03-Dec-17 11:46:36

I was wondering if he maybe fancied someone in work and so it's picking at me to make himself feel better. He is someone who thinks he is superior to people but he is normally fine with me. He's been very supportive of me leaving work to further myself and he looks at the child almost 50/50 so he's good that way.

But I sort of feel like he is only with me for the child even though he says he didn't meant it and loves it etc.

It could be out of comfort, I am not in an abusive relationship and I'm not fussed on sex so to be fair I am comfortable with our setup at the moment.

FluffyFerrets Sun 03-Dec-17 12:00:36

What a fucking odd reaction to a dream!
Apart from the fact he is behaving like an absolute arsehole and I'd imagine he can normally separate fact from fiction, I'd be tempted to think he has a guilty conscience.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 03-Dec-17 12:01:03

"It could be out of comfort, I am not in an abusive relationship and I'm not fussed on sex so to be fair I am comfortable with our setup at the moment".

Perhaps you are with him out of habit and a continuation of what you already know. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. After all you got together in your late teens and you had no life experience behind you. I think you may well have outgrown him and are sadly with someone who thinks they are superior to anybody else Such a person is really not an attractive proposition.

I do not think you are that comfortable with this set up otherwise you would not have posted about your relationship with him. He is making mountains out of molehills, has previously told you that he is with you because of your child (whether he means it or not) and calls you an ugly bitch. What sort of a relationship is that if not an abusive one; he is trying to assert his power and control over you.

Would you want your son to treat his partner like this as an adult?. No you would not. But you are showing him that currently at least this is acceptable to you, that yes it is acceptable for his dad to call you an ugly bitch and of accusing you of cheating on him with a woman. My guess is that he has done that or is actively thinking about doing so due to meeting someone in his new job.

Pinkpillows Sun 03-Dec-17 12:11:36

And this guy really capable of working in a school? Behaves like this in front of his own child what's he gonna be like in front of others

Sounds to me he's trying to project cheating what I find odd is he accused you with a woman. Could he be secretly gay? Feeling trapped? Cheating on you with a woman because he lacks sexual experience? Who knows get to the bottom of this then decide what's best for you and D.C. me personally I'd get the hell outta there

inthenameotheweeman Sun 03-Dec-17 12:18:43

Not sensing much love in that relationship, from either side.

I also find “the child” a bit odd, but prepared for being alone in that one! grin

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Dec-17 12:36:50

You’re not alone Inthename! I find that strange too!
Sounds like evil thinkers are evil doers to me!!

YouThought Sun 03-Dec-17 12:39:27

I agree it doesn't sound like it's working and it doesn't sound like you like each other. It's
Sounds like he is trying to make arguments - do you think he is doing this to make you split up? Can you talk to him about this when you aren't arguing? If it's not working then why don't you both call it quits. You can still parent your kid together just not while living together.

What does the thought of living with him for the rest of your life feel like? Does it fill you with happiness?

You are too young to settle for a unhappy relationship.

I think I'd leave.

CremeFresh Sun 03-Dec-17 12:44:02

He's quite clearly looking to pick an argument about anything for whatever reason. You will be forever walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off next, if you stay with him.

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 03-Dec-17 13:32:42

I've dreamt about husband cheating and woken up irrationally angry with him. Told him why I'm angry, apologised for anger, had a laugh together and got on with our day. Your dp's reaction is bizarre! Does he often make you apologise for his actions? Is he convinced he is always in the right? Does he often call you names? If this coincides with new job I'd be more worried about him and a new colleague than the stress. I'm a teacher and the first couple of years are a bitch, but that doesn't excuse such wanker behaviour.!

IsItThursdayYet Sun 03-Dec-17 13:40:07

My husband has been irrationally grumpy with me before because he had a dream I cheated, or left him, or something along those lines.

But the difference there is he realised how ridiculous it was, bur like Things we laughed about it and got on with the day.

Putting the dream aside though, calling your partner a bitter, ugly bitch would be enough to make me rethink the relationship.

PNGirl Sun 03-Dec-17 17:22:05

I think he is 3 months into a crush on another teacher or TA at his school and is demonising you to make himself feel better.

I can't say I would recommend asking him if this is the case. Does he have mentionitis about anyone?

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 03-Dec-17 17:41:08

When you say you aren't 'fussed on sex' - does that mean that you aren't having much sex as a couple? Why might that be? Has he gone off it?

I also think he's fancying someone else, and trying to make you angry/irrational, so he can pick on a reason for leaving you. However, him calling you an 'ugly bitch' would have had him scraping his arse off the pavement in this house...

atmywitsends Sun 03-Dec-17 18:06:40

No he wants sex as normal but I feel really self conscious about my weight which puts me off sex so I try to avoid it

atmywitsends Sun 03-Dec-17 18:07:54

He talks about all the other teachers and assistants nothing seemed strange about anything he says.

PNGirl Sun 03-Dec-17 18:22:28

Mentionitis doesn't seem strange, it's just frequent. So you say "Shall we watch X on Netflix?" and he goes "Oh, Jan from work says that's great," or you get a long spiel on Jan from work's dog going to the vet.

ElephantsandTigers Sun 03-Dec-17 18:24:52

No, not stress related. He's pissed off and can't be mature about it. I dreamt dh cheated in a dream and it did put me off all day. I knew it was a dream but when you dream you feel they are real so of course you can feel real feelings. He's being a dick though and you need to nip this in the bud immediately.

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