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Not sure if this is sexual assualt...

(15 Posts)
CheggarsPlaysPlop Sun 03-Dec-17 11:04:04

Backstory: Been with partner (not married) well over 10 years. History of EA/controlling behaviour and financial abuse over the years. 3DC together, 2 DC from my previous relationship. Past 2-3 years I have been slowly getting things together in order to split (I work full time, do all domestic stuff and have no money so it's difficult). He does the alternating gaslighting/lovebombing thing and is constantly being physically affectionate in a forced way when I don't want him anywhere near me. In fact, it makes me want to cry with despair for freedom from his overly-squeezy clutches! I am terribly ashamed of this but, although I want to split up with the bastard, I still (occasionally) have sex with him just to keep the peace. This past week he 'persuaded me' twice. The first time he came inside me even though I told him absolutely in no uncertain terms not to do so as I am unsure of ovulation times (perimenopausal), the second time I got quite drunk (not uncommon - a coping mechanism for misery) and although we were talking before, I started falling asleep and he did it to me anyway. This was on Thursday. I have been mulling it over since, sworn off booze to clear my head and feel violated. I know I should have the balls to end it for good, but he threatens to evict me, take the kids and apply for resident parent - he also has a huge fortune squirreled away as well as several he has the financial clout to really carry out his threats. I have also heard several scary stories about other women in my position with narc partners who have destroyed them, mentally and financially, and ended up with the children being NC to the mother - so I am very scared of this man and what he could do. He has been on 'best behaviour' until this week and has taken 'no' calmly and ceased his constant requests for anal sex (he demanded this through all 3 pregnancies), probably because he knows I have checked out and am planning my eventual exit.

keepingonrunning Sun 03-Dec-17 11:46:37

OMG. You are not free to make choices, you are trapped.
Please talk with Rape Crisis , freephone 0808 802 9999, staffed everyday 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm and Women's Aid , freephone 0808 2000 247, staffed round the clock.
They will help you find a way out flowers

notapizzaeater Sun 03-Dec-17 11:56:53

You Need to get away, please phone 📞 woman said as above. This is an abusive relationship

Skittlesss Sun 03-Dec-17 16:02:52

I'm sorry you're going through this. Just to confirm what you already know... this is rape. Please try to leave now xxx

GreenTulips Sun 03-Dec-17 16:07:36

Please leave - it won't get any better and I can't see him taking the kids

CheggarsPlaysPlop Sun 03-Dec-17 17:58:17

Thank you. I think he would take the kids. It would be his ultimate punishment to me, actually. He said today that he will give me anyting I want, as long as I stay with him. What I really want is to run away and be on my own with the kids. It's the only time I can breathe. Somebody who 'loves you' does not treat you in this way, do they? It's all for his own gain, surely. He has even bought a flat to chuck the older kids out into - paying rent, naturally

CheggarsPlaysPlop Sun 03-Dec-17 17:59:07

Taking the day off sick tomorrow, so I shall call the above numbers

pog100 Sun 03-Dec-17 18:28:53

You sound coldly determined, which is exactly what you need. Good luck, please do it, I'm sure you, and your children, won't regret it.

GreenTulips Sun 03-Dec-17 20:00:23

While your off sick start routing around for bank statements birth certificates shares - anything that you think will help

There is no reason he could just take the kids - he just can't do that

HeavenlyEyes Sun 03-Dec-17 20:05:38

On what grounds does he presume he can take the kids? sounds like classic abusers threat to make you stay.

Being coerced into having sex is not your fault - you do realise that don't you?

Pinkpillows Sun 03-Dec-17 20:30:59

On what grounds can he have full residence order? Because he has money so what!! Doesn't make him able to obtain things like this

Courts will look whats in best interests of child, having a loving stable mother or an abusive dad but he's got cash right?

You need to make a plan to leave him safely, I'd chat to women's aid how you can do this the correct way keep the status quo for a bit longer until you find a way out from this and away fro, him.

Most abusers say this about children for a method of control reality is children are just a pawn in their game, your children will stay with you just keep yourself and the safe for a bit longer till he's gone

Shoxfordian Sun 03-Dec-17 20:34:18

Please leave him as quickly as you can and stay safe

loobybear Sun 03-Dec-17 22:26:58

You need to leave. I was engaged to someone who was very similar to your partner. When I got to the stage where I started to feel strong enough to leave him.i think he sensed that and he came inside me against my will (after years of forcing me to have sex with him when I didn't want to, even when really ill with sickness and diarreah but never once coming inside me). I think it was his last attempt to break me or find a way to keep me with him by getting me pregnant.
Your partner is doing saying anything to keep you there and within his control and I understand how easy it is to believe the power guys like this have and terrified that what they say is true (my ex had me convinced no one else would ever want me and if I left I'd be forever alone). The reason they are so forceful with what they are saying and trying so hard to keep you is because they know it's not true. An abusive man is not going to get custody of his children. Get out and take your children with you. If you can't do it for yourself the do it for them.

JediJim Sun 03-Dec-17 22:37:46

Regarding the children, I would doubt he would want to have sole custody anyway. Secondly, if he isn’t the father to two of your children he has no rights anyway surely? His financial affairs don’t mean anything. Are their family you can stay with/ get support from? Whatever you chose to do regarding reporting him, you must leave him with your children in any case.

CheggarsPlaysPlop Tue 05-Dec-17 14:36:58

Thanks for all the helpful advice. I know I have a long fight on my hands. He is the father of three of the kids and is very, very convincing as a 'perfect Dad'. He even convinced a relationship therapist and he cites my behaviour as controlling and abusive. He has sought legal advice and I received a letter saying he was concerned about the amount of alcohol I drink and how it affects the children (he doesn't mind when it lowers my inhibitions and let him shag me). The reason I am so fearful is that he can afford to take me to court and use all of these slurs against me. None are true, apart from drinking too much, which I have stopped. He takes photographs of bottles, and the levels in them. He drinks too. It's very reassuring to hear some comforting words and I am trying to get through to WA just for some advice on how to even try to go ahead with this. If only we were married - makes life SO much easier when you are financially vulnerable

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