Should I try to save it?

[Direwolf4]

Yesterday i had a conversation with my partner telling him how unhappy I was in our relationship and how I'm not sure if were right for each other anymore. This isn't the first time we have spoken about this but he was upset and doesn't want the relationship to end. We agreed to work at it for the sake of our DS, trying to spend more time together and as a family.

Well it was his Christmas work do last night and he only got home 30 minutes ago, no txt or phone call all night long!! Apparently he missed the last train home. Yes he could have got a taxi but didn't! I said well no txt or call and I got well if you wanted to know you could have txt me. Is this him playing games and trying to take back some control??

Some background, we have a 16 month old DC and have been together 8 years. We didn't live together before getting pregnant and that worked for us, living very separate lives with Work and he worked nights too so it kind of worked for us. Now I don't know if our relationship is right for the life we have now. Also I don't find him attractive anymore, he has put on so much weight and his lifestyle is so unhealthy, to the point it disgusts me sometimes.

Also 2 months before falling pregnant my brother passed away very suddenly at only 30, I feel that my partner made it more about him than me and I couldn't show my emotions as I needed to support him. I have told him this recently (literally yesterday!) and he apologised but said it was only one time not being supportive, well it was a pretty big time though! During an argument a few weeks ago he said he even had doubts during pregnancy and when DS was born that he wasn't his baby as he didn't come near me as my brother he just passed away. I was deeply hurt by this comment which again I told him yesterday.

I had a very traumatic birth in and out of hospital and my DS was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at 2 weeks old, which obviously was devastating.

I tried to tell him I feel like I've been on a merry go round for 2 years and I'm just stopping now to catch my breath and realising things aren't right with us.

I feel he has completely thrown everything I said yesterday in my face and isn't taking me seriously, I am on the verge of splitting up with him and he decides to stay out all night?! What should I do?? Please help! Xx

[Notreallyarsed]

Oh OP you’ve had a hell of a time haven’t you? You should have been supported and loved throughout, not been faced with a poorly baby, grieving for your brother and walking on eggshells round this overgrown twat of a manchild. I lost my mum in June and I’ve been struggling, really struggling and DP has been incredible. Even on the days when I’m not easy to be around.

What do you get out of the relationship? It doesn’t sound like he supports you or listens to you, or values what you feel or think.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Doesn't sounds like there is much point saving it to be honest.

[CrmbleBee]

Did you call him? Sometimes it just doesn't occur to them to call- I always call or text mine if he's not shown up on time. I'd be wary of a gut reaction- you're at a tricky part in the relationship anyway (they call it the seven year itch for a reason) and have probably both been very stressed recently as you have a young baby who has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis and have had a close family member die suddenly. He may well feel pushed out because understandably you'll be very focused on the baby. I'd cut you both some slack, not bring up past arguments and seek relationship counselling. Good luck with whatever you decide x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Staying for the sake of the child is more often than not a mistake and places a heavy burden upon that person. Your child cannot and must not be used as the glue to bind you and he together.

You ask the question, "should I try to save it?". I put it to you that there is really nothing to rescue and or save here. Why is it seemingly your sole role to try and fix this anyway, it is absolutely not. He has to want to put the effort in and he really does not want to do so because he is inherently selfish and has made everything about him. What he says now (he does not want the relationship to end) and what he has done to date to prove otherwise are two very different things.

[Cambionome]

Got to disagree with Crmblebee. It doesn't occur to someone to text if they are going to be out all night?? That is just basic, basic courtesy.

[Direwolf4]

No I didn't call him but I would have thought he would have txt at least to say, missed the train staying out all bloody night!! I feel like it's game playing but I honestly can't be arsed with it! He doesn't like that I'm "in control" I think and is trying to get reactions from me as he says I can be emotionless. Which yes sometimes I can be but I have had to be to protect myself with everything I've been through in life it's a coping mechanism and something I can't help (these last few years have been the cherry on the cake really).

It's more the lack of connection, we don't discuss things and make decisions together we do our own thing always. Most recent example he has started going shooting and wanted to get a gun himself. Bought all the stuff cabinet and such without talking to me first if I would be happy with this and spending so much money. Oh and bought the brand new Xbox the other week £500 just before Xmas, didn't talk to me at all!

[PurpleWithRed]

Was the relationship ever great? Sounds like you only came together because of the pregnancy, it's never worked out that well, and DP has checked out already. It seems as if the only reason you're together at all is DS and you and DP would be much happier apart.

[Direwolf4]

It used to be good, but we didn't spend that much time together 1-3 times a week and lived very separate lives but that suited us at the time. Now with DS and having to be a team and a family unit I don't feel it works for us as we're both too independent and stubborn.

Thanks so much for the replies, feel like my head is going to explode with all this shit!! Xx

[Isetan]

Living with someone and co parenting, are very different ballgames to dating (even when you've been together a long time).

What exactly were you expecting when you had your 'splitting up' talk? Were you hoping that this would scare him into change?

I do not understand what the 'trying' to salvage the relationship entails because you haven't articulated why you've unhappy and neither of you have agreed what the remedy could be. Just like your last 'splitting up' talk, you've just kicked the can a little bit further down the street.

Has the communication between you always been this woeful? I get the impression that neither of you really thought about the shift in the relationship dynamic that living together and being parents would have. The life you led before becoming parents and living together, really was no foundation for what you want from the relationship now.

If you're serious about wanting the relationship to work (your posts aren't very convincing), In the words of Dr Phil, "you need to start putting verbs in your sentences" and being specific about what is lacking. I get the impression that you've probably been more candid and forthcoming on this thread than you've been with him.

However, no longer finding him attractive and your poor communication skills, suggests that there's not much to salvage.

The balls in your court, are you in or are you out?