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Am I paranoid or should I just accept this?

(10 Posts)
Dunmonian Sun 03-Dec-17 06:04:21

Hi, I have been going stir crazy, and need a sanity check.
A few months ago, I discovered my DW had been spending an enormous amount of time talking to people on a website, mainly other men. Although this seemed fairly innocent at first, when I challenged her about it, she wouldn't give me the whole truth about what she had been up to etc. Over the next few weeks, more became apparent and it turned out she has been in regular online contact with other men for a number of years. After many heated discussions, we decided to start again and try and freshen up our marriage, and I thought this was moving things in the right direction - until yesterday when I found out she has initiated contact with one of these men again.
I don't know if I am losing my marbles, and this is just something people do now? She doesn't have any friends in real life, only online people. I don't believe she has physically cheated or anything, but this feels like an emotional betrayal and points to a far deeper issue with our marriage. My big question is, do I challenge her again or should I let this go?! I am becoming paranoid every time she picks up her phone (which she gazes at constantly), and I hate the way this is making me feel. I probably would have walked already if it wasn't for the kids, but I feel the time has come to settle this once and for all, what do I do?

AlternativeTentacle Sun 03-Dec-17 06:16:49

Why does she not have reallife friends?

Dunmonian Sun 03-Dec-17 06:22:20

She refuses to engage with people - their are other ladies who have tried to involve her with toddler groups etc, but she just refuses to become actively involved or devote the time to building friendships. I have tried to encourage us joining clubs or other things to make new friends together, but she just refuses to engage with people. This is why I am all at Sea with this, as maybe this is her way of having friendships on her terms, but the fact that it is secret from me is what makes me feel this way.

hevonbu Sun 03-Dec-17 06:28:09

Maybe she has Asperger's and have difficulties forming friendships (I believe this is one of the criteria)? Is it dating sites, or is it mainly online forums like this one?

GnomeDePlume Sun 03-Dec-17 06:33:09

What are they talking about? What is the forum? Is it hobby or interest related or is it some sort of dating/hookup site?

Dunmonian Sun 03-Dec-17 06:36:47

No, it's not dating sites (that I know of), more the forum type sites where you post things about your life and engage with other people. That in itself doesn't bother me, but when it moves to Facebook messenger, whatsapp and KIK then it becomes more personal. She always says that she doesn't like other people when we discuss friendship etc, maybe I'm just being fobbed off.

harrypotternerd Sun 03-Dec-17 07:08:46

what sort of things are they talking about? is it all very innocent like you would talk to friends about? Is it the fact they are men you have a problem with? Is she also talking to women?

Dunmonian Sun 03-Dec-17 07:18:32

To be honest, I'm not sure what all of the conversations are about, I am very mindful that I am kind of invading her privacy, so I haven't delved into the content of the messages, but other than one lady, they all appear to be men - I suppose it's the thought that this is a secret rather than the content that is making this feel a whole lot worse than it probably should. I obviously question the motives behind this, but I also want to make our marriage a success and am very aware that I could be over reacting to something that is entirely innocent, but then why wouldn't she be open about it?

Karigan1 Sun 03-Dec-17 07:24:21

My SO best friend is a girl. They meet and have coffee even and hug goodbye and everything. He messages her all the time. I have no problem with it as I trust him entirely. We’re in a relationship with no secrets and know the passwords to each other’s phones and quite happily use the other persons if ours isn’t to hand. I would never stop him talking to his friend as people need friends. One of my best friends is a guy. Occasionally he even oversteps the mark and gets flirty. I don’t respond and tell my SO immediately (usually saying in had to puppy train @@@@@ again). Again it’s not an issue as we’re open about it. My SO trusts me and I don’t mind if he wants to even read our conversations.

It works because we trust each other and don’t give each other reason to doubt that. Not by not talking but being open, not having secrets and talking to each other. I would never cheat on my guy and honestly don’t think he would ever cheat on me.

Nipplesunited Sun 03-Dec-17 12:18:10

Have you spoken to her about how all of this is making you feel?
I would be feeling the same as you to be honest.

My mind gets the better of me and id of asked to see the messages by now.
Surely, if there is nothing going on she would have no issue showing these to you.

Invasion of privacy is a massive thing, yes.
But trust is as well. If things could be repaired through you seeing that there is nothing going on, then couldnt that be a start?

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