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Just found out partner has cheated on me. How do I end the relationship?

(34 Posts)
itispersonal Sat 02-Dec-17 23:27:19

As I was coming to bed , dp was asleep and videos playing on his phone. I checked his phone for messages (he does have a habit of being flirty with women). Anyway looked through archived messages and found out what whilst I was away last month with our dd and my mum. Dp met up with another woman in a hotel etc etc.

I can't say I've been in love with dp for a long while and as he has continually flirty, having a text relationship with other women It has eroded any love for him. But stuck with him for dd, can't really afford to split financially, him more so than me.

I have imagined life without him and what I would do, I have always wanted to foster but he never did, so would look into doing this to support myself and dd.

He doesn't know I have looked at his phone, I have left his phone on the messages for the date when I they were talking about their hook up. I've had an hour long chat with a friend to sort out my head about feelings etc but can't say I want to fight for the relationship, think he has worn me down.

But do I go and wake the soab up now and say he needs to go. Do I speak to him in the morning. Do I let him know but keep on as usual until after Xmas , also have Disney booked for march as a family. But think waiting would either mean we continue plodding along as we have been doing or it would finally send me over the edge.

calzone Sat 02-Dec-17 23:29:42

I think I would wait until morning and then tell him to go.

Will he be violent? Do you need back up?

itispersonal Sat 02-Dec-17 23:30:36

No he wouldn't be violent.

MamaMotherMummy Sat 02-Dec-17 23:33:02

Tell him to leave in the morning and take someone else who's not a cheating bastard to enjoy Disney with you and dd. You don't even love him and the whole thing's just dead.

itispersonal Sat 02-Dec-17 23:37:36

It is and if I'm honest it has been for a while. Not sure if I ever truly loved him, but fell pregnant within the first year, then year or so my dad died, got made redundant etc etc.

Viviennemary Sat 02-Dec-17 23:39:02

I think I'd tell him in the morning. Wouldn't go through a charade of Christmas trying to make everything normal. Certainly don't leave it until March. You've decided a while ago you no longer love him and doesn't sound as if you even like him very much. No point in prolonging the agony.

saddestcatintheworld Sat 02-Dec-17 23:39:51

sorry this is happening to you. If yo are sure leaving is what you want to do, I'd suggest taking a day or two to process things rather than throwing him out straght away as this is potentially very distressing for your child. He sounds like an arse and talking civilly will not be easy I am sure - I'd want to rugby tackle him to the floor and yell some sense at him - but there is no hurry. Can you perhaps go away for a couple of days to get some space and decide how you will deal with it? Get some support from friends/ family. Good luck. You will be fine being single.

EmmaHealy23 Sat 02-Dec-17 23:41:25

Mate he sounds like a prize sh*t and I'm sorry you've had to put up with all his crap.

Maybe give yourself until morning just to get everything straight in your own mind, and it's always best to be calm, but just ask him to go as soon as you have had chance to speak to him. The respect has clearly gone and you don't deserve that xx

mehhh Sun 03-Dec-17 01:29:09

Sounds like an idiot!

Definitely tell him he needs to go... probably best in the morning x

clownfaces Sun 03-Dec-17 01:46:23

No decision to be made here. In the morning you just say 'goodbye cheating twat'. Job done

vwlphb Sun 03-Dec-17 02:10:14

Personally I'd wait till he's gone to work tomorrow, stuff all his clothes and personal crap in a massive box, stick a bow and a Christmas card on it saying "Happy early Christmas! You're single, you cheating piece of shit!" and leave it out front for him to find. But I have a tendency towards over-dramatic gestures. fgrin

user1497997754 Sun 03-Dec-17 05:51:30

I agree with vwlphb....go girl

Inertia Sun 03-Dec-17 09:02:15

Does he live with you? Whose house is it? If it's in your name, just tell him to leave today. Dragging it out would be a nightmare.

Addictedtothisbloodyforum Sun 03-Dec-17 09:05:30

How are you feeling op ??

itispersonal Sun 03-Dec-17 10:52:46

He woke up at 4. He wasn't aware I had looked at his phone. We had a calm chat. He admits he messed up big time, he was at a low point, aren't spending any quality time together with work and de (we are both stressed) yadda yadda.

He is still here, he has no where to go! No family in the city. Going to give it a few weeks living in the house and see how we feel. Think maybe counselling??
I'm having a few health issues and so want to wait til have those results to make a final decision. I do feel like a mug but think neither of us have tried and before end it we need to have go at fixing what is wrong. We had sex with each other for well over a year. If nothing changes then, then we can say we tried and split up permanently.

PNGirl Sun 03-Dec-17 11:05:40

You should not be accepting even a percent of the blame for him shagging another woman. Can you really continue knowing he did this? What about next time he's feeling low? Will he talk to you about it or cheat again?

cakedup Sun 03-Dec-17 11:11:35

I think staying with a man you don't love and has cheated on you will do nothing for your well being and self esteem. There is nothing to work out I'm afraid. Move forward...yes it's scary but there is nothing to be gained here, only more to lose.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Dec-17 11:17:40

God, what's the point ? confused

happypoobum Sun 03-Dec-17 11:23:53

I don't understand - are you now saying you don't mind that he cheated and this is acceptable to you in a relationship? That is what you are telling him by allowing him to stay.

Do you own or rent?

Why are your standards so low?

MaidenMotherCrone Sun 03-Dec-17 11:30:46

The message you've just given him Op is

' I don't think I'm worth anything at all'

Nothing will change, you will be back to square one shortly.

Please don't think of fostering as a source of income.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Dec-17 12:29:32

OP, your sense of self worth must be rock bottom!
He was at a low point, so arranged to meet someone in a hotel room for a shag?! He could have went for a run, a workout or even ate himself through the McDonalds menu, but no he chose to shag someone else!!
Don’t fall for that old chestnut!

crazycatgal Sun 03-Dec-17 12:32:42

You've found out that he's cheated and you're letting him stay because he has nowhere else to go? He's an adult male, he can sort something out himself. If you don't even love him and he's cheated then what's the point.

itispersonal Sun 03-Dec-17 12:36:37

I know it is the end of whatever we were pretending we had. I'm not even angry he slept with someone else I'm indifferent to it!

He is in the spare room while we sort out the logistics of splitting up and him moving out. We are civil to each other and can't see that changing!

It's a busy time of year and where and how I work I can't have time off and if did it could cause my contract to abruptly end. So will plod on til Christmas when I am off for 2 weeks.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Dec-17 12:48:17

Nah. You'll "plod on" for ever at this rate because it is convenient.

Viviennemary Sun 03-Dec-17 13:25:09

I does depend a great deal on who owns the house and are you married. I don't think you can just chuck somebody out of their home for misbehaving even if they deserve it. Don't do any cooking or washing for him. As far as I would be concerned he's now a flat-mate whose presence you tolerate.

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