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Cannot get my head around this!

(168 Posts)
Loveactuallyoctopus Sat 02-Dec-17 22:17:35

I just do not understand dp.

We've been together 5 years. 1 house, 1 baby.

If i mention marriage to him he says he will propose when he's "ready"

What is to be ready for? We live together we have a child ffs. His life is not going to change in any major way.

I dont get it. Does that mean, hes not ready to commit to me for potentially the rest of his life? Does it mean he just doesn't want to marry me but hasn't the balls to say it?

I have no idea because when I ask him all he can tell me is he's not ready. He can't tell me what exactly he's not ready for, though.

Im starting to get to the end of my tether with it. I dont know what to think.

Neither of us have been married before. His parents are together but their marriage is frankly the worst example he could have so maybe that's part of it.

God knows. Its just making me feel like hes not ready because I am not "the one" and he is waiting for her to come along.

Im not even sure what im trying to achieve with this thread im just wallowing in my own self pity wine

whiteroseredrose Sat 02-Dec-17 22:32:52

I agree with you. Surely you would only have DC with someone you're totally committed to. If so, what's the problem with getting married.

If you're Ms right-for-now rather than Ms-Right, why did he want to have a baby??

SeaRabbit Sat 02-Dec-17 22:33:41

If you want to get married, you ask him! There's no rule that says a woman can't ask a man to marry her.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 02-Dec-17 22:43:47

That sounds grim. How horrible.

Have you ever said “you know I want to get married, is it going to happen because I’ve had enough of you refusing to say either way”? Proposing is great but I think you’re way past that and sod getting engaged, you want to be married. Which is a completely different thing! He can’t reply with “I’m not ready”. I’m sure you don’t want to argue about it but you have a right to know where you stand. It might be his parents’ marriage, cost, not wanting a big fuss. But that’s all a side issue because you’re different people to his mum and dad, it costs about £150 and you don’t need a big wedding. It sounds like some men like keeping it open as if one day their partner will be good enough to earn the right to be their wife and it’s a handy way of keeping them on their toes. I’m sure that’s not the case but it can sound that way.

You want him to marry you because you both want to be married, to have that sort of commitment. I’d lay it on the table and say you’re having the discussion again because you’ve had enough of waiting for him “to be ready”, which makes no sense as you jointly own a house and have a child and it’s not okay for him to be vague about it any longer, it’s your life too, so what’s the deal. Suggest just booking a date to do it and see how he reacts. He might day yes and then you can get on with it. He might say he’s never going to marry you which would mean you know where you stand. Unless it really matters to you tell him not to bother with proposing because you’re more interested in the security and commitment of marriage than hearts and flowers and maybes.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:06:26

white god knows. He says he knows he wants to stay together for the rest of our lives, but hes "not ready" for marriage.

I dont understand what will be different other than my name? (And my feelings I suppose!)

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:07:16

sea I know there isn't but he would say no because hes "not ready" and i don't think I could cope with a flat out rejection to be honest.

AlternativeTentacle Sun 03-Dec-17 08:08:02

You can keep your name.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:10:23

anne I've asked if it will ever happen he says yes but he says he doesn't want to do it because I ask him to he wants to do it when hes ready but when is that going to be?!

I get that he doesnt want to be pressured into it and id more understand that if we didnt have a baby or live together. I dont think he felt pressured into either of those things.

Im not bothered about a proposal, no. If i said let's book a date he would just go back to the not being ready.

He's making it entirely his decision when really I think it should be half mine too?

LEMtheoriginal Sun 03-Dec-17 08:10:38

Maybe he doesn't want to "get married" that's what my Dp tells me after 25 years

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:11:00

I wouldn't want to keep my name. I dont think thats the issue for him either it was just an example!

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:17:59

LEM does he say why he doesnt want to?

He has said its not personal but how can it not be.

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:22:10

If you are not married and you are taking a career break/cutting down on hours because of a baby (not sure if this is the case or not) then you are in a potentially very vulnerable position if anything goes wrong with your relationship. Who's name is the house in? Do you have any savings? Marriage gives you financial security if you are not earning because of children.

If I were you, I would mention your financial vulnerability to him - if he still says that he isn't ready then he is a dick. He should have thought of that before having a child. (Ignore me if you are still working full-time and are not in this position).

rachelracket Sun 03-Dec-17 08:31:17

he sounds like an asshat and you could be quite vulnerable in this situation. but tbh if it's so important to you you probably should have pressed the issue before you got pregnant as you don't have much power now.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:36:13

I'm not financially vulnerable. I work full time as does he. I could cope fine on my own if I had to. My pension will end up being a lot better than his anyway, so i cant really use it as a reason to get married!

House is in both names too.

rachel I never knew it would become an issue before we had the baby otherwise obviously I would have brought it up before now! Time has just passed at 5 years happened and it hit me that if he was going to do it he'd have done it by now...

TammySwansonTwo Sun 03-Dec-17 08:36:33

What's he saying in these discussions? Is it
I'm just not ready yet / I'll propose when I'm ready

Or is it
I don't believe in marriage after seeing my parents going through hell, but I am completely committed to you, our child and our life together

Because those are very different things?

Was just talking to my DH about this and he asked if the baby was planned or not? To me, and to him, it sounds like he hasn't yet decided whether this is the life he wants, which is out of order when you already have a house and a child, frankly, which are far bigger commitments than an (easily dissolvable) legal institution.

This would really upset me and I'd be telling him to decide quickly what he wants and start being honest with you about his reservations. If it's that he's scared of marriage having lived in a home with a bad one, I could live with not getting married. But feeling like he's biding his time about whether he wants you longterm would not be okay with me.

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:40:13

Glad to hear that you are financially secure, op.

I agree with you that you have a right to have your feelings heard in this situation - it's not all about him.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:40:45

tammy

He says he's not ready to propose and he will do it when hes ready. I'm just assuming he might be hesitant because of his parents I know he has a big fear of turning into his dad.

He says he's completely committed and for all intents and purposes he is.. were just not married. Hes a really good dad, he pulls his weight, we have an otherwise good relationship it's just the getting married thing that bothers me.

Yep the baby was planned. Actual trying was initiated by him too so i dont think it's that he wasn't sure!

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:42:50

Agree with everything Tammy said, too.

I'd be inclined to give him a time limit on being "ready" to make a decision that's massively affecting your life (and the life of your dc).

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:44:07

Does he have control issues? Why does he think this is his decision to make alone?

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:44:36

To be honest we were looking into buying a second house as an investment in about 3 years or so. I won't be doing that until we're married I dont think. Not that it would legally be an issue but just that i dont feel like committing to anything else would be sensible right now.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:45:07

I wouldn't say he has control issues, no. Certainly not with me anyway!

whiteroseredrose Sun 03-Dec-17 08:47:45

Tammy has hit the nail on the head.

My DP before DH was adamant that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but wasn't into the idea of marriage. I knew that I wanted children but wasn't prepared to have them without the commitment of marriage so we split.

Lo and behold he was married to someone else within 6 months. Obviously deep down it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, it was that he didn't want to marry me!

As Tammy said. Is he subconsciously wondering if someone better will come along?

Our situation worked out well as I'm far happier with DH than I ever was with XP. And through the grapevine he's happier too.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:49:36

whiterose he says he's not waiting for someone better but how can i ever know?

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:52:25

He's not going to say it though, is he? Not until he's actually ready to go , anyway.

Loveactuallyoctopus Sun 03-Dec-17 08:53:40

Well yes so how does that help me?

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