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Low contact DM. Guilt.(22 Posts)
Went lc with DM due to long term issues (started when I was in my early teens. Never had any confidence. Constant criticism)
All was fine up until I met dh - then because I wasn't pandering to every need she started becoming spiteful. I would go as far as to say tried to put dh off me. The whole world revolves around her needs.
Whole big story. Anyway. I cry after every visit and suffer a bit with low level depression but I am OK. Stressful job. Two young DC. If I visit she will shout where have been all day. She once said she wished she was dead because of me. Then she went for counselling and said it was because of me.
I don't know what I have done. I studied and was very quiet. Never too anything for granted. Moved away at 17 and never returned.
Anyway. Nearly no contact and feel dreadful - so so hurt. Don't want to contact her as more sh** will be said. Anyone know how to help?
I was LC and now NC. Every time I saw my mother I'd have panic attacks and feel ashamed and so bloody awkward around her it was painful. I couldn't take it any more and I tried to talk about it to her but it just became more frustrating and didn't get us anywhere.
These situations are so painful and I'm exactly where you are in terms of feelings. Horrific guilt and feel dreadful as you do. Heartbroken. So angry I could scream.
But I can't fix it. She doesn't get where I'm coming from- if she did then none of the shy would ever have happened.
I just hit a wall where I couldn't take anymore. So I had to walk away. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But now it's time for you and I to work on ourselves, to get out from under this mess and find our way out of the pain. We can't mend these relationships, so we have to mend ourselves.
I hope that helps somehow. I know it can't mend the pain but all you can do in this situation is try and help your own life separately. If a relationship makes you feel shitty then it has to be reviewed and probably severed. It seems an extreme step but who the hell wants to struggle on dealing wit all that?
You matter. You deserve better. It's time to look after yourself.
Do you see a therapist?
I have got stronger. My siblings don't get the same treatment but she's not easy on them either. They just say they get sh*t everyday and put up with it as she's our mother. For years I put up with it. She makes up lies. I can take it anymore. No one has contacted me from the family in two months. So they don't care about me either. I will take the blame. Its just so sad
Its not you, its her. She is not the nice and kind mother you perhaps still want her to be towards you and in turn your DC. It is not your fault she is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that. You have not done anything to cause this and its not your fault.
I would have no contact with her and deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt through seeing a therapist and one who is skilled in the workings of such toxic parents. I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages and read the resources at the start of that thread.
You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend and your mother is really no different. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your assigned role here within your family of origin seems to be the scapegoat for all their ills. Your siblings have likely been more favoured and do not want to rock the boat with narcissist mother. You do not need uncaring siblings in your life either.
Sounds like it's time to make LC into NC.
Have you spent any time on the Stately Homes threads? You will find them very helpful with plenty of other people who have experienced damaging parenting.
They just say they get sh*t everyday and put up with it as she's our mother. - More fool them. I'm NC with father and sister and will never listen to a damn word about how or what I should put up with.
They either don't get as much shit, are really thick-skinned or think you should put up and shut up otherwise they'd get more!
Ignore other people. DO what you think will protect you. Whatever that is, is right.
I never felt things were has enough for stately homes (nothing physical - well fed, washed, dressed) but I suppose emotionally. She says I punish her. She told me I would be too difficult for anyone to love me. She gets sick when special occassions occur in my life.
The wierdest one was she told sibling she forgave me for all when I had my first baby. I don't know what I needed forgiving for.
You have been conditioned to feel guilty for things incorrectly since birth. Breaking that pattern of thinking will be hard.
The fact that you've reached this realisation about your mother and your siblings haven't, doesn't mean they don't care or will never do the same. They are surviving her in the way they think best for now. Until they realise she's not all powerful they will avoid you to avoid her wrath. They will have to come to realise the truth in their own time in their own way.
In my experience the best way to manage the guilt is to just let it be and do nothing about it. Your mind is panicking that there will be directed consequences for not pandering to your bully and is loading on the guilt in an attempt to make you cave for protection. So, carry on living your life, act as if your mother doesn't exist for a while and your mind will eventually catch up with the reality and you'll feel much better.
You will find further solace in the Stately Homes thread; practically everyone who starts off posting there says similar i.e. my situation is not bad enough for stately homes. Well I am telling you that it most certainly is; you have been emotionally neglected and remain so. Your mother made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills and she has utterly failed you as a parent.
You do not mention your dad at all, where is he?.
I was always very close to my dad. He is very loving. However. When I married and dh quietly corrected my mother (who was talking badly of me) dad flew off the handle and started shouting and screaming at Dh.
Dh is very gentle and quiet and shocked. He thinks both mg parents have mental health problems. Dad never really was right with me since. He said I shouldn't disrespect my mother.
I know they tell everyone had how bad I am.
No normal mother says they wished they were dead over me (basically not cleaning and hoovering for her is what it boils down to.. Being a dogsbody) no support for anything.
Recently she mocked my acne in front of visitors and my baby had a cut on his face tiny scrape) and she laughed he's copying me picking spots. In front of family friends.
Please go NC with your mum. You owe her nothing. She has abused you your whole life. For your own mental health, just walk away. She will never ever change
You owe your abuser parents precisely nothing; your dad is just as bad and you need to be no contact with him as well. He has also let you down abjectly here by not protecting you from his wife's excesses of behaviour. This is because he would rather see you cop her toxic behaviours than he. He is both weak and her hatchet man and cannot be at all relied upon either.
(Recently she mocked my acne in front of visitors and my baby had a cut on his face tiny scrape) and she laughed he's copying me picking spots. In front of family friends)
And you dont think you need the Stately Homes Thread?
Your dad is not lovely. He is her enabler. He should have protected you but all he did was play at being a dad rather than make her stop. It will be hard to heal while you cling to the idea that your abuser's enabler was a loving person. How is that love? Could you imagine letting your DH do to your child what he let your mother do?
When I was sixteen I was in the library studying for the day. For my A Levels. When I returned she threw a massive temper tantrum saying I was hiding a drink problem. Didn't drink at all. Dad took me away to McDonald's for a milkshake and told ms to make sure I applied for uni far away. He opened up another time and said I had no idea what he was dealing with. After my wedding when I moved away he worked abroad for two years only returning reluctantly after becoming ill.
My D's wife has left too. I do believe DM is at the root of it too.
I would honestly go NC, but I understand the difficulty in doing that. My dad is also an enabler but I'm his golden child and going NC with my mother means he would not contact me and I can't imagine that. It's so difficult, I feel your pain, OP.
It is very close to Christmas and still no contact. I am not going to make contact. It is just awful.
It gets easier. You will probably always have it in the back of you mind, but it hurts less.
Especially as you accept it more as being the right thing
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