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Just split up. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing

(28 Posts)
gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 17:52:19

Have been with my OH 6 years. We work together. Not married. Did live together but it didn't work. We went through an almighty shit show last year when we split up with much acrimony (too one of the family dogs, syphoned money from the business, slept with someone else).

I ended up giving him another chance but it's been a bumpy road. I've tried to forgive and forget but he has periodically behaved in ways that I've found unacceptable since we got back together and I've subsequently decided to call time on this relationship.

I suffer with a form of bipolar (relevant - cyclothymia) and my kids are getting older and making decisions not to go to their dad's on his weekends so I have very little 'downtime'.

OH has been quite bullish in his pursuit of my mental health issues being a major part of our problem but if I say that, I get told 'listen to yourself' and 'I've waited for you to recognise the problem. The only way I can get you to see what is wrong is by being brutally honest with you'.

I am an emotional mess. Please, can someone shed some light here.

I have told him our relationship is over, because regardless of my emotional/psychological problems, I'm sure our relationship problems are not just down to me. But I'm in pieces and feeling somehow that this is all down to me???

MissConductUS Sat 02-Dec-17 18:02:48

If you feel that you've done as much as you can to manage your cyclothymia then it's up to him to accept it as part of who you are, not take it personally and not use it as a cudgel to beat you with during an argument.

The fact that it becomes emotional leverage and a way of putting all of the problems on you shows him to be a bounder, or at best a man child who is not capable of a mature relationship and you are well shut of him.

Go no contact and take some time to get over this and heal. Are you getting any sort of therapy? I've heard that CBT is quite helpful for conditions like yours.

flowers brew

Blanca87 Sat 02-Dec-17 18:03:28

He's an emotional,abusive cunt. You have most definitely made the right decision. Which by the way was based on his appalling behaviour.

onlyjustaboutnearly Sat 02-Dec-17 18:04:20

No. It's him. He's being emotionally abusive. I don't have mental health issues and my stbxh trots out similar lines to try and place the blame on me.

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 18:10:40

That's the thing. I KNOW I have issues. But I refuse to allow that to be the single focus of the problem. But he just keeps telling me that I need to look at my behaviour/see myself as others see me etc.

I'm so utterly confused and struggling with what I can only describe as cognitive dissonance?

As an example I mentioned to him that my eldest was worried about me having bpd and I told my OH and now he brings it up as a means to demonstrate how emotionally unstable I am.

I am struggling emotionally, and I recognise that. In no way am I suggesting that I don't need some extra help but it feels like he jumps on anything to use as ammunition against me but when I suggest that's what he's doing, I'm somehow not seeing things clearly???

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 18:11:52

But maybe I really am skewing things to suit my own narrative? I'm seriously stressed and not able to see things clearly right now. Apologies for rambling

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 18:17:38

@MissConductUS I have done much therapy in the past and know CBT is really good having used it as a therapy in the past. I guess I'm just feeling a bit emotionally beaten up x

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 19:52:43

Bump. Pleased really need to know if I'm being a screwy headcase here?

MissConductUS Sat 02-Dec-17 20:06:15

No, you're definitely being a headcase. You have ended a dysfunctional, abusive relationship as you should have done years ago. The fact that he uses your MH condition to berate you tells you what you need to know about him.

As you get a little time away from him this will be much clearer. You may feel conflicted now but the sense of peace will soon take over. Get in to see your therapist as soon as possible to get another objective perspective on this. You have taken a difficult and very important step forward. You don't want your DC to see how he acts towards you as normal in a relationship.

Be strong ginger. You will be fine.

MissConductUS Sat 02-Dec-17 20:13:44

No, you're definitely NOT being a headcase

TiredOfThisAll Sat 02-Dec-17 20:17:37

It is emotional abuse to use your health issues against you in this way. You are not a headcase at all, just after dealing with this man’s manipulation and undermining, you no longer trust yourself.

If you have separated, then try to have as little contact as possible with him. Surround yourself with things, activities and people that you know help you. Do not take on board blaming things he says - apart from anything else, you have separated so there is no need to listen anymore. Any communication should only be about DC.

In terms of getting a break, do you have people other than your ex you can ask? The less you rely on him in day to day life, the less opportunity he has to mess with your head.

If your DC has worries about you, ask him to speak to you himself or another trusted adult such as a teacher, not his dad who is now separated from you and being nasty about your health.

In other words, stop believing that you are to blame, close down as many avenues of communication as possible, look after yourself and then see how you feel.

TiredOfThisAll Sat 02-Dec-17 20:21:50

Sorry, misread the bit about your son. The point to work on accepting is that this man is not co-parenting with you in good faith. You cannot tell him this which will give him ammunition to have a go at you. Seek support elsewhere. So DS is worried about your BPD - speak with your GP to see what resources are helpful for DC in his position. And so on. Spread your support network as wide as possible.

Whoyagonna Sat 02-Dec-17 20:23:27

As my therapist once said to me while I was explaining something random that had happened which was blamed on my issues. Her words were 'If the cat had kittens it would be blamed on your issue'.

It's emotionally raw now, I'm only out of a long term abusive relationship myself recently and have little support (i.e. none) nearby, so it's fucking hard. But I've come out the other end before and I know I can do it again.

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 20:28:38

Thankyou. I have a good relationship with all my DC and eldest is here tonight b cause he struggles with his relationship with his dad's gf. She's not a bar person and I'm sure in her mind, she means well, but she's not had kids of her own. I'm really sad and my instinct is to apologise and make it right.

I won't. I have a part to play and my contribution to the problem is not insignificant. But neither is his. And there the problem seems to lie,
I'm not blameless but I refuse to be the only cause if our difficulties.

RandomMess Sat 02-Dec-17 20:36:20

I have a friend with bipolar, she divorced as ultimately her H wasn't "on her side"

I think that is the question for anyone unhappy with their partner - is he/she on your side...

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 20:41:18

@RandomMess honestly? I don't know. He tells me he has to be brutal with me because I don't generate a conversation otherwise.

I'm really so fucking confused

TiredOfThisAll Sat 02-Dec-17 20:50:43

You don’t have to have a conversation with him though, you are separated, so therefore he has no need to be brutal? Why does he need to ‘generate a conversation’ with you? Tell him to put it in an email (and then only check the email account once a week or fortnight).

Do not engage, justify, apologise or defend yourself. It is hard not to rise to the bait, but write it in a journal or something. It is not your fault!

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 20:52:51

@TiredOfThisAll I guess because I feel the need to state my case??? You're right though. Just so tired of it all!

TiredOfThisAll Sat 02-Dec-17 21:08:11

I know. But in my experience, you could state your case every which way possible and you will not get a different reaction from him. Because otherwise, you would have had a reasonable and rational constructive conversation a long time ago.

Think about other people you know. I am willing to bet you don’t need to keep justifying yourself with them. He could understand you if he wanted to. You are not speaking a foreign language.

It is hard to let go of the idea that you can fix something but trust your judgement here, it is not all your fault and therefore not all your problem to fix. Truly, put some energy into yourself instead and recovering from this relationship. He has a GF, you have separated, so any sparring he is doing with you, he is doing for some kind of warped fun. You have not done anything wrong and honestly, he should be leaving you alone.

AdoraBell Sat 02-Dec-17 21:13:26

You are definitely not a head case. Sounds like he is abusive, in addition to untrustworthy and a thief.

You are well rid of him.

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 21:21:18

@TiredOfThisAll you're probably right. But I'm so headfucked right now I genuinely don't know. What you're saying rings true.

When I said that he doesn't understand what's going on in my head (and I was shouts and hostile, just so I'm clear) he started screaming and punching the roof of the car to the point I wanted to put the handbrake on and run,

I'm struggling with things because my kids are getting older and my eldest has decided he doesn't want to sleepover at his dad's every other weekend. My and my kids' life is in transition and it's not particularly easy but I don't think my relationship issues are just down to me

TiredOfThisAll Sat 02-Dec-17 21:41:31

Is there a court order in place that says your eldest must have residential contact? Or is the issue that dad is blaming you? Or that you don’t get a break.

Do you need to be in a car or a room with him? He doesn’t need to understand what goes on in your head, you are separated. Screaming and punching the roof of an enclosed, moving vehicle is scary and intimidating. Of course you should not have been shouting and hostile, but it doesn’t sound like this was a productive conversation.

You and DC lives are in transition. So concentrate on that. Honestly.

Turn the whole thing around. Instead of reacting and trying to explain, explain, explain - stop and think ‘what does this do for me if I just keep trying to explain and he abuses me back? Is this good for me if he always blames me or my health? Does that make me feel better?’

And then step away and do something which does make you feel better. Put yourself first.

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 21:52:13

Sorry - my partner is not the father of my DC. I have been with oh for 6 years but he is not their dad. I do have a business with him that is very significantly entwined and regardless of the fact that he is not a director his presence is considered legally important.

gingergenius Sat 02-Dec-17 21:53:38

Really sorry. Probably not making as much sense as I should. A very genuine problem though, and just feeling vey downbeat

RandomMess Sat 02-Dec-17 21:56:24

When I am unwell DH is kind and understanding. He will say that he thinks I'm getting carried away so we need to postpone a decision.

He certainly accepts that his reaction to my mental health is his responsibility and that his behaviour can not be blamed on my MH (I have borderline and PTSD).

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