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Want to repair relationship with DSis but I can’t

(27 Posts)
Upsettingsituation Sat 02-Dec-17 15:02:41

This might be long. My sister and I have never been close. She’s a difficult character, generally full of anger. In our teenage years we got on a bit better and used to socialise together with friends.
When she was about 20 she went on a night out with our cousin (he’s a lot older than us). She told me afterwards that he tried it on with her. At the time (and still now) she had a tendency to exaggerate and tell untruths. To my great shame I didn’t believe her.
About 2 weeks later I saw our cousin on a night out. I was very drunk. When I woke up in the morning he was having sex with me, raping me. It was the most shameful terrible awful sickening thing that’s ever happened to me. I only ever told one person in my family, my sister.
As the years have gone on she has become more and more angry that I didn’t believe her. She cannot and will not let it go. Whenever she drinks it all comes out and it’s vicious. She threatens to tell all the family what happened to me and I have to beg her not to. It’s my decision to make.
Of all the regrets I’ve ever had in my life it’s not believing her, but also telling her about the rape. She uses it as a stick to beat me with. There is no shred of sympathy or empathy for my situation at all.
We don’t speak now at all. If I see her at family occasions she just ignores me and throws me looks. All this happened with our cousin over 20 years ago now. We never see him ever. She stopped speaking to me 2 years ago and has said to our parents that she’s put up with loads from me and she’ll tell them one day. It would utterly destroy them which is why I don’t want them to know.
The thing is she’s my sister and I love her. I want to mend things but she won’t. She hates me. Maybe it’s because Christmas is coming up again, I just want to put it right. But my parents say she can’t even speak my name without looking furious. When she gets drunk she says very hateful things about all members of our family but I’m the main target. Do you think I can do anything about it? Or just let it be ☹️

ferando81 Sat 02-Dec-17 17:37:46

You should be both mad at your cousin.He has almost certainly attacked other women.
You made a mistake but your sisters behaviour is far worse.She is blackmailing you after you have been raped .Remind her that if this ever comes out, that her blackmailing of you will certainly reflect very badly on her.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 02-Dec-17 18:07:51

First I honestly think that you should be reporting your cousin for a historical rape.

I think that you need to put yourself in your sisters shoes.
You didn't believe her and it seems that its only due to what happened that you do believe her at all.

You still seem to be minimising what happened to her, did he "try it on" or was it something more insidious? imagine that you have not only not been believed but, now that you are being believed its not as bad as you said it was.

You are hurting after 20 years, I and so is she.

PerditaSinjorino Sat 02-Dec-17 18:12:59

I think the only thing that will mend this relationship is if you both report the bastard. You booth need closure. Your DSIS is struggling to contain this for your same, which is why the anger ius directed towards you. But she may not be able to contain it for the rest of her life.

Maybe if you could somehow say, OK sis, this happened. Lets tell our parents togethget, and then let's report this rapist fuckjer to the police together....

PerditaSinjorino Sat 02-Dec-17 18:15:18


Sorry, phone is shit!

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret Sat 02-Dec-17 18:51:39

There's a difference between him 'trying it on' with her and actually raping you! It's not comparable and she's being a twat. Unless there is more to her story.

Paperdolly Sat 02-Dec-17 19:04:17

Please report the historic rape at least to save others from him. Then perhaps write to your sister and encourage her to see whilst you're both still at odds about what happened he is 'winning' his anonymity. Please seek counselling for both of you to try and find some closure for both of you. 💐💐

SandAndSea Sun 03-Dec-17 00:35:46

You are the victim here, not your sister, who, quite frankly, sounds like a complete dick.

You didn't believe her because she was in the habit of lying. That's exactly what happens when people lie!!

I agree with the pp who said there's a big difference between trying it on and rape. HUGE! Neither of you could have anticipated that he would rape you. Even if you'd believed your sister, it might well have still happened. Whatever, it's utterly appalling for her to be continually beating you up about this. I've literally never heard of such a thing before. It's not even her business. It also goes against everything I feel we should be for each other, as women, sisters or not.

Whether you report the rape or not is your decision to make. Please don't feel pressured into doing anything that doesn't feel right to you.

Regarding your parents, I would imagine that the current situation is painful for them. Do you really think the truth would hurt them more? Not telling them denies you their support and understanding. You know them best though.

CandleLit Sun 03-Dec-17 00:42:27

Maybe send a card or letter to let her know you are thinking of her and keeping the channel open, but in answer to your question, if she's still spewing hatred about you (and other family members) it might be best to let more water go under the bridge for now. If you do decide to meet with her, engineer it so there's no alcohol involved.

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 10:10:26

sandandsea thank you. I agree I’ve never heard of anything like it either. This thing that happened to me is disgusting. But her using it against me is (to me) even worse. I’ve dealt with what happened to me. I try not to think about it really. He lives abroad now so I don’t have to see him. Reporting him officially is not an option to me. I wouldn’t and couldn’t go through the process. It’s my word against his. I sometimes think about telling my parents but they’d be devastated and I don’t want them to be. They’ve been through enough. I just dread the fallout when she does actually go for it and she definitely will one day. She’s held this over me for over 20 years. She hates me, I mean she seethes with anger about me. There is no option to talk to her about what happened. It’s not an option at all. It’s so sad to me. I don’t think she’s rational at all. To be honest she didn’t like me before this. I think it’s an excuse she uses in her head. It’s wrong that I didn’t believe her but she never ever stops lying about the most mundane of things so at the time I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t just more of that. I just hate this. The fear she causes me is actually worse than the rape itself and it’s horrific 😓

SandAndSea Sun 03-Dec-17 10:39:04

What is the fear? Can you pinpoint it?

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 11:11:30

The fear is her anger and venom, her causing pain to our family, the fallout. She knows that I don’t want our parents knowing but she threatens it anyway because she knows it causes me pain. The more I think about the fact that she could do this to me about a RAPE the more I’m thinking she’s not worth my head space. I was RAPED, she’s my SISTER!! She uses it to cause me even more pain and suffering.

stickygotstuck Sun 03-Dec-17 11:27:38

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I have a sister, we have a very strained relationship. Like you, I used to think, but she is my sister, surely we should do something to salvage this relationship. Truth is, I was the only one trying when it wasn't even my fault that she decided to blank me and other random family members out of her life.

You cannot mend this if she doesn't want to. I tried for years, depression and all sorts of issues ensued and almost ruined my life and that of my own family. Looks like I may finally be accepting there is nothing I can do and this is not my fault.

You've had years of this too. Let it go. Don't give her the headspace. Really, really not worth it. If it all comes out I doubt you'll feel any worse than now. flowers

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 11:30:59

Thank you.

SandAndSea Sun 03-Dec-17 12:07:25

She sounds truly awful.

I know you want it to be different but I think you might have to accept her as she is. You can't reason with the unreasonable.

I would put as much space between you as possible and work on accepting the situation and developing happy relationships with others.

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 12:15:56

Sandandsea I do this anyway. I rarely see her and when we do we don’t speak. I have good relationships with the rest of my family and really good supportive friends. I’m fine. She on the other hand has her work but otherwise never leaves the house, very few friends, doesn’t socialise often. I feel sad for her. She sits drinking and brooding and I think this is why things get skewed in her head. She’s a very angry person by nature. She never has anything nice to say about anyone. Since not speaking for 2 years I do feel better and less anxious about what sort of mood she’s in but at the same time she breaks my heart. She’s my sister and I love her. She’s a beautiful girl. But she’s just bitter, mean, angry, lonely and cruel. I should hate her for the way she treats me and others but I can’t. I want to help her but any attempt at that would have a very dire outcome.

category12 Sun 03-Dec-17 12:20:00

I'm thinking he probably raped her too.

Um, the only way I can see of defanging this, is for you to tell your parents what happened, about not believing her and about the rape. At least you then have control over what is said and she can't use it as a weapon any more.

Sparkletastic Sun 03-Dec-17 12:21:04

Tell your parents. You could write it down if it is too hard to speak the words. It will dissolve your sister's power over you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I don't think your sister deserves any more of your head space.

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 12:27:57

I think honestly if he’d have raped her she would have told me. She said he tried it on and she told him to f** off. She told our mum about it too and mum was very supportive and doesn’t speak to cousin at all. I can’t tell them, they’d be utterly devastated and I’d feel disgusting and ashamed. The fact I was too drunk to stop him haunts me. I know it shouldn’t but it does. I’m fine generally. I don’t have to see him and all other aspects of my life are good. I just don’t want to break my parents’ hearts when there’s no need. I just don’t understand her. She hasn’t got a shred of empathy or sympathy. Not one. I wouldn’t want her to be sympathetic really, just less cruel. I try to let it go and live my life. She’s just being horrific.

BewareOfDragons Sun 03-Dec-17 12:28:44

She sounds awful, OP. Sorry, but she does.

He "tried it on with her" but you didn't believe her. You regret this, but you had a basis for it. And you've apologized.

He raped you when you were drunk. Actually raped you. And she uses your rape as a bludgeon to beat you with. She uses a sexual assault that you survived to torture you with and be nasty and cruel to you. And she uses it as a blackmailing device so you'll beg and plead with her, putting her in a position of power over you that she clearly enjuoys.

Your sister is a monster.

So is your cousin. Please report him. Please. You are unlikely the only woman he has raped. You know he tried it on with your sister. There must be other past victims and there will be future victims. Please stand up for all of you and report him.

Your parents will support you. They love you. They will.

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 12:31:30

beware that made me cry. It’s not me is it? She is a monster

Sparkletastic Sun 03-Dec-17 13:43:10

If I was your mum, what would break my heart would be you feeling you couldn't tell me about being raped so that I could support you and tell you how much I love you and that it was not your fault AT ALL.

BewareOfDragons Sun 03-Dec-17 14:19:50

It really and truly isn't you.

Please take care of yourself.

Upsettingsituation Sun 03-Dec-17 16:28:36

You’re all very kind. Thank you. I don’t think it can be resolved sadly. Maybe it was just wishful thinking

BossyBitch Sun 03-Dec-17 16:47:54

OP, I get what you're saying re. not being able to tell them - I'm the same (not a cousin but a friend of my father's). It's been over a decade, I've told friends and some acquaintances and I've even given a presentation to my firm's women's network giving some background of my own history of sexual assault. But I could never tell my mum (because she'd be heartbroken, furious and might just literally kill the bastard and go to prison) or my dad (because he wouldn't believe me, which is possibly even worse).

It's all quite easy in theory: come clean, free yourself from the 'leverage your sister has over you and find that they'll all be very supportive. As I'm sure they actually would be. Unfortunately, It's a lot more complicated in practice, isn't it?


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