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Female perspective needed(24 Posts)
Let me start by saying that I love my wife massively and I have no doubt that I play a significant role in what I'm about to say.
I married my wife recently after being colleagues and flirting for a number of years, we started a relationship and were married in about a year.
Now the reason for my post is that she has very bad moods whenever I disagree with a choice she has made. She often makes the choices without consulting me first, to allow us to discuss them and find a resolution. For example, she will arrange weekends with family or friends and then tell me what the plans are, and that I can come along or not (I'm quite protective of our time together at weekends as we don't get any time together in the week), or that she has decided to get a second job at weekends (cash is quite tight currently).
It's not that I don't always agree, but I feel that I should be consulted with in the plan making.
When I don't agree and try to voice my feelings or concerns (and I appreciate that I'm not the best communicator in the world, but I do stay calm and try to be objective) she will go into a mood and go out for hours. She will also put the phone down on me if I'm trying to talk about it. Stop any communication, go into a silent mode and blank me. We can go to bed not speaking and when I, calmly, try to speak to her the following morning, I will still be blanked/ignored.
This can even happen when I'm trying to do something for her.
Having tried to learn from this I have tried different tactics, such as: leaving her alone, talking to her, not voicing my opinion, buying flowers and chocolates, saying sorry, not saying sorry, but I still end up in the same situation.
This happens quite regularly, maybe once a month on average and after the most recent one (last night, still waiting for her to wake up to see what today brings), I'm feeling a bit lost as to where I go from here.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
You're married to someone who behaves like a toddler. Hanging up the phone on you is downright rude. Refusing to acknowledge your opinion is also rude. Let her run free and find someone who understands th concept of two adults in a marriage.
As a woman, and if the tables were turned, this behaviour would be called abusive behaviour. I am not sure how old the pair of you are, not that this is relevant, but it sounds like she is wanting to dictate what the pair of you do. This must be difficult. How is she with other people? The same? How is she communicating at work? If she is able to communicate normally to others but this disrespectful to your normal needs, then I would say you two are having to have to sit down ant have that talk. Good luck.
Stonewalling is a common tactic of abusers.
She's got you doing a right dance, hasn't she? Buying her flowers and apologising to her for daring to mention her bad behaviour (and it is bad - marriage should be a team effort, decisions should be joint, not unilateral.)
She's training you to never question her on anything, or you will pay the price.
This is not a marriage I would stay in.
I wouldn't be tolerating this for one minute, OP - particularly if you can't broach the issue with her. It's a non-starter, and you're trapped in an abusive situation.
She sounds hideous!! Why did you get married so quickly?
Looks like she might have issues giving us her freedom of choice. My DH doesn’t mind when I take decisions and normally agrees with me. If he’d disagree this would annoy me as I am a control freak and take decisions myself. I am happy to consult him but when I try to he usually says he has no time for it right now or not in the mood. Perhaps try to make plans for both of you and see how she reacts? She might want you to be proactive rather than criticizing her decisions? I’d give her space anyway. Hope this is somewhat helpful.
She’s not dealing with it in the best way, but I wouldn’t like it if I had to ask my husband before arranging something with my family on a weekend. And you say you are invited along if you choose? How do you go about voicing your concerns?
Seems like different expectations on decision making.
Did you fall for her decisive and action orientated nature?
I think you are right to try and talk to her and her reaction is not helpful and definitely emotional immature.
Could you have a conversation about how you resolve conflicts? Conflicts will happen so learning how to resolve them is the vital skill.
I usually make most of our social arrangements because DH just isn’t that way inclined. Sometimes I check he’s free (sometimes I forget!). If it’s essential he comes then I’ll let him know, if not I’ll ask him if he wants to come, and go by myself if he doesn’t. If he told me he couldn’t come but he objected to me going I wouldn’t be happy... that would be bordering on controlling. We both have separate social engagements too.
I’d talk to him about getting a weekend job though as that would effect both of us every weekend.
Maybe you have different ideas about how much couple time is needed in your relationship, and need to agree this rather than arguing about each decision. The way you describe her reaction to you sounds bad but we don’t have much context to go on. Also not all women think the same (weird eh?!) so asking advice from a female perspective might not necessarily help...
I think she sounds incredibly childish and sulky. Giving you the silent treatment is pathetic. Why are you putting up with this?
Wow, thanks all, some really good advice and views there.
I think some may have gotten the wrong end of the stick, it isn't that she sees family or friends once a month, she sees and speaks to them most days, it is that I will get the reaction once a month, irrelevant of the issue that was a trigger. She spends most evenings talking to family and/or friends, has 1 day in the week out with friends or family.
Thanks again all
About once a month your wife gets moody and impulsive, and communication is difficult.
I have no idea what may be causing this. None at all.
Tbh it doesn't sound like a functioning relationship. Has she always been like this, since before you got married or has she changed?
Can you talk to her about it at a time when there isn't an ongoing issue, or does that cause her to stop communicating? The closing down and silent mode is controlling behaviour which is not on.
We are both late 30's, 1 Child each from previous LTR's, my 2nd marriage, her 1st. She is a diamond in reality, but these moments are bad news, and I'm not sure what she is capable of whilst in them (not meaning violence)
I she expecting you to care for her child while she is working/going out?
Hmmm, Sounds familiar. I had someone who I was dating complain because I didn’t regularly “block out” a weekend just for him.
I’d pay close attention to whether or not you’re actually being the kind of person she wants to spend time with?
Look up Wifework/mental load. I wonder if family time for her is time when the “mental load” is off her and you actually contribute to the household “Wifework”/mental load for her?
The reality with the guy I was dating was I had to do most of the “mental load” and he sort of went along like a clingy child. “Spending time together” wasn’t relaxing for me in the least because he wasn’t an easy going, pleasant guy and didn’t actually contribute much to the boring practical stuff?
(if he DID do anything that he didn’t want to do he’d be explicit it was “for me”
he would then sit pouting like a hungry desperate dog because he clearly felt he had hugely gone out of his way and would then “want sex” as a reward )
he would literally memorise/pore over my schedule and calculate that because I had left early to get a swim in (after having spent a night at his
where he’d somehow forgotten to get dinner ingredients in so I had to do it all ) I was intent on hurting his feelings/rejecting him and he would give martyred little sighs and tut under his breath
I wanted to improve/progress the interaction, and was quite explicit to him about how I was/am under a lot of work/time/academic pressure, and maybe we should spend time together just doing “practical stuff” where he could get stuck in and we could quietly bond (things like studying together for my CPD exams etc)
Yet, he somehow managed not to do/passive aggressively fuck up anything “dull” that would practically make my life easier
but seemed to find lots of time thinking “woe is me, if only I got more 1-1 attention from devil it’s HER problem she needs to spend time treating me like another child”
Rather than, say, bring me a coffee and respect my quiet time when I was studying (even casual acquaintances do this for me) he’d come up with elaborate plans which were clearly just “I FEEL I want to do X ROMANTIC thing” (generally not based on listening to who I actually am or what my real life needs are) and then I will get attention and LOTS OF sex afterwards.
And yes, I got a little lecture from time to time about how I was “cold” to him
because apparently after shouldering the mental load for both me and him, I should really want to then deal with the needy attention seeking emotional needs of a grown man
I supppse this is what he called “voicing his feelings”
Ps I’d add that “to him” , as with your wife, I was clearly “preferring my friends” over him. It was like he would stand there pouting and eye rolling and sighing and being on the brink of tears if I had a long term friend stay for the weekend (and as with your wife I would be quite fair and offer to include him - but he’d then sabotage things because he felt “it was all about him” )
it’s not a competition and the fact that he was even thinking that was indicative of a Klingon nature?
The person I’m (thinking) of starting a ltr with encourages me to build good independent relationships with others, is an introvert but will cheerfully put out snacks/makes tea if I’ve been out drinking and drop into his with friends (even if he isn’t included and they aren’t HIS friends) and I do the same for him. Or we’ll recommend things for each other to do if we’re out separately. That’s how things SHOULD be.
If it's roughly once a month it's likely related to her cycle. I used to be crawling the walls with my period when I was younger - hormones can make some women really cray-cray - I was one of them.
If on the other hand, the attitude and unilateral decision making seems to be her preferred approach to marriage, a serious talk is in order.
I think linking it to her menstrual cycle is unfounded as the OP doesn't say it's the same time each month/cyclical in nature.
I'd like to know if she was like this before getting married or whether she has changed?
It does sound like you both need help communicating. Putting the phone down etc isn't a great way to work through anything. The moods are clearly an issue. She needs to know it's not ok to treat you like that. I do think you are being unreasonable expecting to be consulted on when she sees her friends etc however. I wouldn't ask my dh's permission or necessarily discuss whether or not I go. I would, like your wife, let him know my plans ahead of time and ask if he wants to join or not. Obviously she does need to consult you on other things, if you have kids and she was going away for the night for example or financial decisions. I think she should have talked through the job with you out of courtesy but I don't think it is something you could or should get a particular say on, but you should be able to speak to her about a compromise around your time together if this would be impacted.
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