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Minimising your feelings

(17 Posts)
OldBook Sat 02-Dec-17 09:41:23

Has anyone ever been in a situation when someone has always minimised your feelings? What’s the best way to respond?

Ie saying that you are overreacting, when telling them how you feel they say you have lost perspective, saying nothing is wrong when bring given the silent treatment- always small things like that which has the culminative effect of making you feel slightly crazy for having feelings at all

fluffygal Sat 02-Dec-17 09:48:36

Yes- my OH does this all the time- I am not allowed to have feelings. If something he does or says makes me feel crap, or unwanted and I tell him it does, he will deny that I can possibly feel that way. If I show any sign of being down or upset, he gets angry with me and says 'for fucks sake!' So I have to hide how I feel most of the time due to fear of making him angry with me.

fluffygal Sat 02-Dec-17 09:49:48

He also uses the overreacting line, and when I explain it can't be an overreaction if it's about how I feel, he doesn't get it.

MrsLandingham Sat 02-Dec-17 09:50:09

OldBook, my XH was like this. He worked in a very logic-driven, scientific area and he would explain to me in detail why I was wrong to feel the way I did. He could never simply validate my feelings. He was also a world-class sulker. Long story, lots of reasons, but we divorced in the end and I don't miss his cr@p at all. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that if only you could explan more clearly he will change. It won't necessarily happen.

Queenofthedrivensnow Sat 02-Dec-17 09:51:56

Yes my exh and to a degree my exp. both toxic relationships

OldBook Sat 02-Dec-17 09:53:20

It’s hard, eh. I sent a message about my feelings, got no response for some time (was being given the silent treatment) followed it up with a few olive branch messages to try and stop the silent treatment, and was told the initial message was fine but they are taken aback by my ‘ferocious’ follow up,

So then I just feel bad and regret the messages but still haven’t had my feelings acknowledged at all

OldBook Sat 02-Dec-17 09:56:11

Can this dynamic ever change? The other problem is being randomly assigned motives for my reactions which aren’t even true.

Peanutbuttercheese Sat 02-Dec-17 11:43:35

None of us are perfect but mardy arse sulky silent treatment is soul destroying. Only ever dated one guy like that and he made me feel really miserable. He is an ex and over twenty years hence he is still a sulky twat apparently.

Leo07 Sat 02-Dec-17 12:01:04

This is a deal breaker for me (if it was to constantly keep happening) ask "do my feelings mean nothing to you?" "Are you actually telling me how I AM FEELING?" Some people think there mind reader's and if it doesn't effect them well why should it effect you? Is normally there way of thinking... Small minded 😫

MrsLandingham Sat 02-Dec-17 12:45:49

What Peanutbuttercheese said ^ ^

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 02-Dec-17 12:54:46

The dynamic is there to make you shut the fuck up and let the other person do whatever the fuck they want.

The type of person willing to behave this way, is also they type of person who won't change.

Utter selfishness doesn't just magic away, it is a deeply ingrained character trait.

SABeeTiger Sat 02-Dec-17 18:41:50

My sister does this, I'm not allowed an opinion on anything, my outlook on any situation is wrong or silly and she never really means the veiled insults, I'm just being sensitive. How to fight back without totally destroying our relationship is something I'm working on! (Badly)

OldBook Sun 03-Dec-17 02:30:36

The frustrating thing is if they do this nothing can ever change

FannyTheFlamingo Sun 03-Dec-17 08:02:49

DP is a little like this. He doesn't have any emotions and he can't grasp the fact that other people aren't like him. It means that when I get upset about something, instead of him offering a bit of empathy, it soon escalates into an argument about the fact that I'm a human being with feelings and emotions and that he is the odd one. Either that, or I end up being really passive aggressive. It's a tough situation to be in.

Cambionome Sun 03-Dec-17 08:36:02

You are probably right to say that nothing can change with people who behave like this, op. I put up with 27 years of it with my stbx, and now that I've finally left the relief is incredible.

Ilovecrumpets Sun 03-Dec-17 19:11:03

Hi OP - my husband, who recently left me - is like this. Eye rolling, accusing me of over reacting, saying I made too big a deal of things and then would have an argument. Would never engage or acknowledge my feelings.

It actually made me to start to really question myself and think I was just overreacting and I began to lose my confidence so badly - it can really mess with your head. Plus the sheer frustration because as you say nothing can change - which ironically made me get even more emotional!

It’s horrible that he has left me, but the one good thing at the moment is that that has gone and I don’t feel like I am losing my mind or making things up anymore.

ThatWasNotLove Sun 03-Dec-17 19:37:54

They can change but only if they accept responsibility for their own actions and their own feelings I.e. it's not your fault he is giving you the silent treatment, it's his because he's upset about something, doesn't know how to handle it and wants to retain control. Unless he can think those things, truly believe them AND then try to work out how to resolve things more healthily, nope, no chance.

And I'm pretty sure you know that's not going to happen. thanks

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