Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Alcohol and new partner

11 replies

Livinginhope11 · 01/12/2017 14:51

I dont know where to start or even what to think with this, but I think I need some sane help..

I am a divorced womanin early 50's, I met a new man, fell in love and moved to be with him. This involved leaving my home country (also his, we come from same country but he had been living here many years) to one where instead of having coffee etc in daytime, it is normal to have a few alcoholic drinks.

So new partner has been alone for a few years too and is used to going out to local bars and having drinks when he feels like it.
But it continues now that I have moved here. Now my problem is that it never ends with a few, but continues to a point where I have to pick him up from local bar as he is too drunk to drive, can barely talk, and when he does his words can be really nasty.

Due to living in different countries we had not lived together before, but had spent many weeks together, and although I knew about the drinking, wasnt prepared for the amount..

I am lucky in that I am very self sufficient and dont rely on him to keep me.
When he drinks a lot he just says he wants to enjoy himself and almost seems to resent me for not wanting to join in.

I like a drink as much as anyone but this amount is crazy.
When I try to talk to him about it he just says thats the way it is here and if he doesnt his friends will be upset.

I feel gutted, I have changed my whole life for this man - dont get me wrong, it was my decision, but im not sure how to handle this problem.
But also I am not going to put up with s**t when I had 28 years of EA marriage either.
Views would be great, sometimes better when you on the outside..

OP posts:

Report

Littlebatcalledlucille · 01/12/2017 14:54

Red flag.
You need to leave him. Simple.
Been there, he won't change no matter how hard you try.

Report

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/12/2017 14:55

I take it you live together OP? If you were not with him, would you still be living where you are now? He sounds like he has serious issues with alcohol, and is in denial, so if you don't wish to live like this, you need to consider leaving him, sorry.

Report

Toprate · 01/12/2017 14:57

Does he work op or just drink all day?

Report

Livinginhope11 · 01/12/2017 15:14

yes we live together, I moved to be with him.
And yes I would still be in my own country if not with him..

He is self employed and can choose when he works.

The drinking is rarely planned, just seems to happen if someone says 'lets have a drink'.
I really struggle to drink in daytime and also work hard to keep myself reasonably fit and healthy.
And he never remembers anything he has said the next day so pointless in talking to him at the time.

Its very lonely being in a country where I cant speak the language and know no one other than him..

OP posts:

Report

Moanyoldcow · 01/12/2017 16:55

Just go back to your home country. Don't waste your life with him.

Report

springydaffs · 01/12/2017 17:00

This really is not going to work. He already has a wife: the drink. You come a very poor second.

You have to go back to your home country. As hard as it is, it isn't as bad as staying with him. Your life will descend into hell with him, if it hasn't already.

So sorry

Report

mindutopia · 01/12/2017 17:09

Any alcohol issues aside (which he may have - you didn't really say if this is like once a week or everyday, though either way, he shouldn't be abusive when drunk), if you didn't know this about each other, it sounds like your relationship has moved way too quickly. Drinking and other lifestyle habits are something you should have gotten to know about each other when dating. It sounds like everything moved a bit too fast and you missed that step. If you truly think it's not going to work, then go home and move on. Otherwise, perhaps you need to move and actually date each other before you get to the step of living together?

Report

Gruach · 01/12/2017 17:11

It's a dreadful shame ...

The thing is (and particularly if he's roughly your age or older) that amount of alcohol can't be doing much for his health. He must know that. And, if he really cared about you he would have been honest and perhaps negotiated a more semi-detached long term relationship. The fact that he didn't suggests that at least part of his brain has pencilled you in as a volunteer to care for him in his imminent decline. Without having earned it through years of mutual support.

Don't be a sucker ...

Report

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2017 17:21

His primary relationship is with drink, not you. He is an alcoholic and its not the way it is there at all. He's full of excuses and full on denial.

You are already putting up with shit from him. You need to return to your home nation now and start to heal your own self properly. If that is the UK then I would suggest that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Your boundaries in relationships are most likely still skewed by your previous EA relationship and you seem as a result to have simply gone from one poor relationship to yet another.