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Is it possible to get over the feeling that the people you thought would care...

(15 Posts)
HeyDuggee24 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:30:40

Don't actually care as much as you thought they would.

When I got pregnant, I was under the impression that the GPs were super excited about having a grandchild and wanted to be involved.

The reality is very different, and despite doing what I think is a lot for both sets of GPs, they barely have any relationship with DC. This is despite my DM having a wonderful relationship with my nephew. So I know its not because she doesnt actually like children.

In a lot of ways, I don't mind being a three and both me and DH love DS as much as he needs.

However, I have started having panic attacks where I think I am dying. I've figured out this is because I'm scared of DS being left with no one who really loves him if something terrible did happen. I dont know who to name in a will as legal guardian, as I dont kno anyone who would actually want to do it. All I can think is that he will be left alone in the world with no one to really love him.

Is it odd to think like this? What do you do?

goldinthemtherestars Thu 30-Nov-17 21:39:04

I don't think it's odd though I do think it's sad that you feel like this. How old is your son?

HeyDuggee24 Thu 30-Nov-17 21:57:32

It makes me feel sad! I think I "feel" too much sometimes though. He's 2.

goldinthemtherestars Thu 30-Nov-17 22:06:47

2. Ok. So not immediately post-natal. Still, it took me a long time to adjust to the whole enormous life-changing motherhood experience and I remember getting panic-stricken at times about the huge responsibility I seemed to suddenly have, the enormity of it all.

Were you close to your mother and sibling (brother or sister?) before and during your pregnancy? I take it from your post that your DM is close to your sibling and grandchild (your niece).

HeyDuggee24 Thu 30-Nov-17 22:21:12

Oh no, its not pnd. I think it has come about as I feel increasingly used by both my DM and my inlaws. Which is weird to say as they are not horrible people and I always thought we were close. It just doesn't seem to have translated to my DS.

I have a DB. We are very different personality wise so dont spend a lot of time together. I see my mum every week more or less. I love her to pieces but we have never had the kind of relationship where I would tell her my thoughts and feelings. The relationship between her and my DB has always been difficult too. So she is not favouring him iyswim?

Thanks for talking to me btw. My DH doesnt quite kno what to say to me!

goldinthemtherestars Thu 30-Nov-17 22:37:47

It's hard to get a real feel for what you are experiencing without a proper chat (so forgive me if I'm completely on the wrong track) but I wonder if you could possibly appear to your DM and in-laws to be brilliantly self-sufficient and coping really well and so they might be reluctant to 'interfere' (we're always hearing that we mustn't ever interfere, it's the worst crime) and so maybe they are being super careful not to interfere, completely unaware that this is coming across as being uninterested / uncaring / you feel this chasm?

HeyDuggee24 Fri 01-Dec-17 08:06:26

I thought that for the first year and I am aware that I may come across as posessive of DS. However, I've tried to make offers of time with DS but they arent really taken up. My DM will comment that she knows she needs to spend more alone time with DS. My MIL even commented that I get the short end of the stick in comparison to my DB. But nothing materialises. Its like they cant be bothered really...

goldinthemtherestars Fri 01-Dec-17 11:22:56

Oh that's a shame and I understand why you feel upset. Going back to your original post it seems there are 2 main issues, the panic feelings probably brought on by the lack of interest from your family.

I don't know how you make the transition to feeling ok with whatever low level interest your family do show, but I remember reading a blogpost on here recently that seems to address this sort of 'ultimately it's down to me' slow dawning which first caused hurt and depression but ultimately was freeing and empowering. I'll see if I can find it.

goldinthemtherestars Fri 01-Dec-17 11:33:18

It's interesting that both GM's seem to be aware of their detachment yet aren't doing anything about it. I don't have any answers to that, sorry, but perhaps over time a good relationship will gradually evolve as your DS's character and personality develop. Perhaps suggest a Christmas shopping outing under the guise you haven't a clue what to get them for Christmas and it would be a lovely excuse to have afternoon tea out in John Lewis or something? Separate outings with the GM's, starting with your own mother - a proper chance to natter and enjoy each other's company maybe even without DS? It's just occurred to me is it possible your own mother might be feeling the lack of closeness with her beloved daughter because all your time is now spent with your DS and she feels sidelined since you have become a mother? Maybe a heart to heart with her might help?

goldinthemtherestars Fri 01-Dec-17 11:34:47

Here's that blog post:

plutoniumsox.com/lifestyle/the-loneliness-of-the-mainland/

jenthehen Fri 01-Dec-17 22:18:03

Just wanted to say that I completely understand. I've been in the same situation, my DC's are now teenagers. Sadly their paternal GP's passed away when they were little and my parents showed very little interest. We'd moved closer to them pre-children and I looked forward to days out, picnics, family time etc Sadly by the time they were 4 and 6 I realised this was a pipe dream. We lived less than 3 miles away but I'd probably just get a phone call on a Sunday evening to ask what we'd been doing, probably so they had something to talk about to their friends in the pub, but they had a very little actual contact with them. I went through a period which felt almost like I was grieving for something I'd never had. I stopped asking and decided it was just our little family. It was actually liberating, I stopped trying to include them. The children don't feel that they've missed out as they never knew what it was like to have it. We spend time with friends now, people who love to be with us. Luckily we live in a community where lots of people are special to us and vice versa.

goldinthemtherestars Fri 01-Dec-17 23:27:27

Jenthehen, I get that totally. I think when my mum (who'd never been a proper mum anyway) announced she was moving to France when my children were 2 and 5 I realised it was down to me, us, to stop dreaming of the perfect family ideal (that never was and never would be) and create our own. It was liberating and after adjusting and throwing out any preconceived expectations we had wonderful family holidays once a year and the rest of the time it was down to us and our friends and our community. It worked for us, and we are still together 40 years down the line. In fact our mid-30s DS has recently moved back but that's another story and yet another adjustment we have to make. Family life, eh?

springydaff Sat 02-Dec-17 00:31:30

That's not my family life, gold.

goldinthemtherestars Sat 02-Dec-17 00:38:11

Of course it isn't, Springy. Every family is different. Not sure what point you are trying to make there. Perhaps it's one of those MN goady posts I've heard about.

springydaff Sat 02-Dec-17 00:54:31

It's a tactless thing to say: family life eh? Like, shucks, we all experience it. We don't.

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